By lu… - 8/12/2020 08:02 - United States - San Jose

Monster!

Today, my mother decided that I'm a complete sociopath and that I don’t care that my grandmother just died. Why? Because I haven’t lost my appetite. My grief response is to eat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

843

You deserved it

45

Tweet

Share

Mother of the year

Constant flow

Late bloomer

By NoBabies - United States - Tucson

Today, the last of my close friends announced she is pregnant. Meanwhile, I'm single and my nest is empty. Well, not exactly, because even my freaking cat is pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37444

You deserved it

4965

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, my wife and I were having sex when she suddenly stopped and said, "I just thought of a great lesson plan idea for my 3rd graders." This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24183

You deserved it

2547

Tweet

Share

By sharkiewarkiemoosey - Switzerland - Gossau

Today, I tried to catch a train to get to my new job. I was stopped and told that I needed a pre-purchased ticket to enter the platform. The only way to get the ticket, they said, was by buying one on the platform. I arrived by taxi nearly an hour late for my first day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40400

You deserved it

3997

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got trapped in an elevator with a chicken. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33642

You deserved it

4226

Tweet

Share

By tylah - United States - Piscataway

Today, the mall got evacuated while I was getting my hair colored. I am now standing outside of a crowded mall, wearing a showercap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27134

You deserved it

3010

Tweet

Share

By Caci Johnson

Today, I sat down at my computer for the first time in a week, and discovered that my cat threw up all over my keyboard. I needed to write up an important document but the chunks were stuck down in the keys, effectively locking it up and making it useless. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3556

You deserved it

587

Tweet

Share

By iailwkrb - United States

Today, while babysitting, the oldest little girl who is 7 went through my purse. She pulled out a half empty bottle of lube. She asked what it was and I told her lotion. I went to the bathroom and when I came out, the bottle was empty and there were 4 kids covered in lube. Then their mom came home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46724

You deserved it

27891

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Wooster

Today, we got new seats in class today. The guy placed next to me, turned, looked me dead in the eye, and said, "The balls are the warmest place on the body" while his hands were in his pants. I'm stuck next to him for the rest of the semester. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25728

You deserved it

1922

Tweet

Share

By WhyICantHaveNiceThings

From the bottom of my... stomach?

Today, I had the once in a lifetime opportunity to interview someone I’ve greatly admired for years and grew up watching. I was naturally nervous, but I didn’t expect to be so nervous I would throw up on him in the first 5 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4052

You deserved it

445

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, after practicing a song for my girlfriend on guitar all day, I called her over to my house to show it to her. After a long speech about how "this is for you," I played for about 3 seconds before I broke a string, which slapped her in her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70161

You deserved it

6343

Tweet

Share

By - New Zealand

Asshat

Today, my hours at work were slashed due to company wide cut backs. The only coworker unaffected was the asshat who stole my promotion after I'd trained them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1699

You deserved it

191

Tweet

Share

By funfettifirework - Philippines - Quezon City

Today, I almost got our office burned down by plugging the wrong charger into a laptop cooling fan. Tried to hide the incident and kept it casual but the smoke detector led it to my area and everyone knew I was the culprit. I'm a new hire too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12253

You deserved it

3906

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I had to do an assignment about my greatest achievement and about an award I've received. I don't have either. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1940

You deserved it

236

Tweet

Share

By littledipper - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I found out that the nice guy who comes to my workplace every morning to bring me a smoothie also makes a point of putting his knob in it before giving it to me. Also, all my coworkers knew about this and think it's hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48911

You deserved it

4610

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States - Boise

Today, the first thing I noticed about my blind date was the clump of nose hairs sticking out and mingling with his beard. In an effort to not stare, I periodically glanced away. After a while, he asked which guy I was into at the table next to us, because I was spending so much time looking in that direction. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12772

You deserved it

1916

Tweet

Share

By babypenguin00 - United States - Newark

Today, marks the third girlfriend in a row that has broken up with me for my terrible dandruff. I can't control it as I was born with psoriasis. All three girls called me pathetic for "making up" a disease to try to get them to stay. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26960

You deserved it

1926

Tweet

Share

By doomed - United States

Today, I got a letter from my mother-in-law stating that demons made her spread rumors about me all over my hometown before my wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36916

You deserved it

2499

Tweet

Share

By Randy - United States

Today, I got home from work to find my wife asleep in her easy chair with my two year old son asleep in a pile of torn-up paper. I soon found out it was my 1960s collection of a Superman comic book series that I inherited from my dad. It was worth well over $2,000. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43765

You deserved it

5143

Tweet

Share

By ryjacs - United States

Today, I received an email from my potential employers at the zoo, saying that they won't be hiring me. This wouldn't be so bad if they didn't keep sending me the same email every two hours to remind me that I am still unemployed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32649

You deserved it

2838

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, my landlord asked me to get rid of the flower boxes I have at the window in the stairwell. Why? Because they are disgusting. Why are they disgusting? Because his cat keeps using them as a litter box. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1449

You deserved it

138

Tweet

Share

By HappyMan - United States - Corpus Christi

Today, my mom thought I was flying high on weed and nearly grounded me for it. I wasn't high, I was just actually in a good mood for the first time in a few weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29035

You deserved it

2309

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 400 pound roommate brought home a 400 pound guy. Now there's 800 pounds of sex going on in the next room, and it sounds like the invasion of Normandy in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

77748

You deserved it

7383

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lazily answered the door in my pajamas. It was my elderly neighbor asking to borrow a can opener. Despite the strange and unwarranted scowl she was giving me I obliged. It wasn't until after she had left that I notice my penis was completely sticking out through the flap in my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46873

You deserved it

21539

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Abandoned

Today, I found a baby in a cradle on my doorstep. I was shocked that someone would do this, so I picked it up and uncovered the baby. It was actually a rudimentary stink bomb that went off in my face when I uncovered it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2056

You deserved it

221

Tweet

Share

By Badnewca - United States

Today, I drove home in my brand new car, hoping to surprise my girlfriend. She came out the house laughing, saying how funny it was, and how I look like a "twollop" in it. Then in all seriousness, she asked me when I was getting my "actual car" back from the garage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42040

You deserved it

5190

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my first fare as a qualified taxi-driver. The pride soon diminished as I was forced to listen to my passenger give a greatly detailed description of his recent colonoscopy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21565

You deserved it

2438

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Singapore - Singapore

Today, as usual, I got to my internship early, did everything my bosses asked. At the end of the day, I was fired after 3 weeks of working unpaid overtime because they found an applicant with more experience for the job I applied to and they wanted to cut costs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10850

You deserved it

700

Tweet

Share

By nothisfault - France

Today, and as for the rest of my life, I will always have a husband whose breath stinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18849

You deserved it

29296

Tweet

Share

By bluewatersify - Australia

Today, I got a letter in the mail, my mother has applied for a reduction in her child support payments for my brother and I. She's paid $10 child support in 16 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35103

You deserved it

2210

Tweet

Share

By brandogg - United States - Clovis

Today, I was laying on the couch with a cast on my broken ankle. My brother thought it would be funny to shoot my cast with a high-powered pellet gun. It went straight through the cast and now I need to go back to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17611

You deserved it

1312

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my son was planning on going clubbing. I disapproved, but no matter what I say he never listens, so I simply offered him some condoms so he doesn't end up knocking anyone up. He just said, "Nah, dad. Get 'em drunk enough and it's anal all the way." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34872

You deserved it

5805

Tweet

Share

By Neveragain - United States - Tampa

Today, while at work, a creepy guy blatantly stared at my chest for a good 40 seconds. Finally snapping out of his trance, he said with a wink, "You forgot your name tag." He was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43013

You deserved it

5378

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Singapore - Singapore

Today, in the middle of my boyfriend finally giving me an orgasm, I had an anxiety attack, which caused him to have an attack of his own. I guess there is such a thing as having too much in common with your partner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58106

You deserved it

7576

Tweet

Share

By OkieThePokie

Today, I found out that my unborn son has an abnormally large head. I have an abnormally small and narrow pelvis, and I'm allergic to local anesthetic, so no epidural or spinal for me! FML

I agree, your life sucks

5016

You deserved it

413

Tweet

Share

By apaterra - United States - Washington

Today, I had to come up with a new rule for my library's patrons: If you, your child, or your dog has thrown up on our books, we DON'T WANT THEM BACK. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23298

You deserved it

1509

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - New Albany

Today, in my film class, we were watching Schindler's List. At least, we tried. The moron next to me kept interrupting the most intense scenes with a very loud, "I don't get it." Not only did she break the focus of the class, but we had to keep stopping the movie to explain it to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27842

You deserved it

1905

Tweet

Share

By Kevin

Today, while at an important meeting at work, I got to watch helplessly as a police officer gave me a parking meter ticket. Added to that my boss chewed me out for "never paying attention and staring out the window during meetings". FML

I agree, your life sucks

25428

You deserved it

11290

Tweet

Share

By trying2breathe - United States

Today, I woke up to find my car broken into. They also took the inhaler that fell out of my bag the night before. The one I needed to stop the asthma attack I had from the stress of having my car broken into. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39247

You deserved it

2831

Tweet

Share

By Mom - United States

Today, my son decided to come out of the closet by wearing a shirt that said "Mom, I'm gay" to the family reunion. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45788

You deserved it

26142

Tweet

Share

By rongo12

Today, I was heading to the bathroom when I clearly saw a little boy walking into my bedroom. My wife and I live alone, and I screamed at the top of my lungs, thinking he was a ghost. Turns out my wife collected him from school for a friend, and I just didn't hear them arrive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28638

You deserved it

6776

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By fireblazes | 10

#7956796 - Tuesday 8 December 2020 17:12

Yo Mama is the psychopath.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7956802 - Tuesday 8 December 2020 17:18

You can always cry and wail between bites.

Try to hide your disease by appearing to be sad.

COMMENTS

By fireblazes | 10

#7956796 - Tuesday 8 December 2020 17:12

Yo Mama is the psychopath.

Reply

tounces7 | 27

#7956887 - Wednesday 9 December 2020 4:27

Or at very least, a Narcissist.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7956802 - Tuesday 8 December 2020 17:18

You can always cry and wail between bites.

Try to hide your disease by appearing to be sad.

By PrinceofDragons | 6

#7956826 - Tuesday 8 December 2020 21:27

Momma needs to understand that everyone grieves differently.

By ForeverAlone89 | 10

#7956839 - Tuesday 8 December 2020 22:33

Do not mistake my appetite for apathy

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7956893 - Wednesday 9 December 2020 5:16

You're no sociopath. Take it from a real one.