Modern Family

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 458

You deserved it 121

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 189

You deserved it 1 606

Modern Family

By Anonymous - 03/11/2020 23:01

Today, my stupid drunk dad was yelling for food and since my mum needed to finish her taxes before midnight, I told him to STFU and passed him prawn fried rice, which he told me to shove up my ass. I threw it in the bin, since he is the only meat eater in the family. When she finished, she yelled at me instead of him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 946

You deserved it 212

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Broken heart

Planned assault

17/05/2013 22:28

Today, my friend told me she'd lost her notebook filled with crucial notes for our finals. She asked if she could borrow mine and copy my notes. She then lost my notebook too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 033

You deserved it 11 895

10/02/2015 02:32

Today, I had a friend tell me all about how being a vegan was so great. They were eating eggs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 396

You deserved it 3 112

08/07/2012 18:32

Today, my manager called me into his office and spent half an hour screaming at me for granting one of our workers so many religious off-days. Apparently, the name of these "religious observances" actually means something to the effect of "scoring some pussy" in Macedonian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 739

You deserved it 4 464

06/11/2018 13:30

Today, I got a blue screen of death on my brand new computer. Why? My parents installed an "anti-virus" before I got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 942

You deserved it 224

05/05/2011 06:54

Today, after spending 8 months and $11,000 on school, I was denied a job in my chosen career field. They told me they decided to go with someone with more experience. So who got the job? One of my classmates. This is her first job. EVER. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 836

You deserved it 3 744

07/09/2009 08:23

Today, I got annoyed with my mum stopping in her tracks each time she needed to reply to a text message. I tried to show her that you can walk and text at the same time. I ended up falling into a drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 468

You deserved it 54 781

Alexa, play "Burning down the house" by Talking Heads

By Anonymous - 18/02/2021 02:59

Today, a house I'm working in burned down overnight. My entire cordless tool line up and everything else needed to remodel a 3-story home is gone. Almost $14000. The only way I will be somewhat, maybe, possibly, reimbursed is if I stay on to rebuild the home. I don't have anything left to even start. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 144

You deserved it 95

02/03/2012 10:19

Today, I vacuumed my car as I'm trying to sell it. After the interior was clean, I sprayed some air freshener. The chosen smell was "new car". I think they mislabeled it, as my car now smells like urinal cakes. I have two potential buyers coming tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 115

You deserved it 4 355

11/06/2009 11:51

Today, my mom's will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I was "lazy." The executor read it out loud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 109 978

You deserved it 11 273

19/01/2015 13:35

Today, I met my boyfriend's best friend. She was a girl he's known for years, and I respected that. She was sweet, until my boyfriend went to the bathroom and she threatened to stab me if I don't leave him. He doesn't believe me, and accused me of having serious jealousy issues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 905

You deserved it 2 892

13/11/2012 12:02

Today, after clubbing with my girlfriend, we went to her place. She then threw up on the floor, and went to clean herself up. When she came back, she'd forgotten that she'd just thrown up. She blamed me for puking, and kicked me out. It was 4:00 am and a 3-hour walk home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 656

You deserved it 2 958

30/08/2010 20:10

Today, I was moving out of my old place. While walking around to make sure I would get my damage deposit back, I stepped on my roommate's lipstick and smeared it all over the white carpet. Then, I tripped on the phone cord and ripped the whole thing out of the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 134

You deserved it 8 355

29/05/2012 07:54

Today, my boyfriend called me, panicking. Apparently he had a headache, but wasn't concentrating on what tablets he grabbed, and accidentally took tablets for "relief of period pain". He was convinced he was going to grow ovaries overnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 429

You deserved it 2 897

Thanks, I hate it

By FFS - 28/05/2015 17:41

Today, I received a promotional message offering a half-off deal on an expensive coffee maker. The only reason why I received the message is because I bought that same coffee maker yesterday and I signed up to their mailing list. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 165

You deserved it 2 901

Unreasonable

By Anonymous - 20/03/2021 00:01

Today, after finishing work and collecting my bag from my locker, I yawned as my manager came to ask me a question. She yelled at me for yawning. She then told others that I have a chronic yawning problem at work and need medical intervention. I can't even yawn once after a long tiring day on my own time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 165

You deserved it 61

13/12/2010 06:29

Today, at Arby's, there were two cute guys behind me in line. Right before ordering, my dad said loudly "Go get the calorie sheet. You need to lose more weight before you think about going after those guys." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 899

You deserved it 5 322

14/04/2016 23:24

Today, I was hauling cow shit. I had a car following me very closely, so I turned on the spreader to get them to back off. It was a cop. I got pulled over in a tractor for spraying cow shit on a cop car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 933

You deserved it 25 318

14/09/2012 08:26

Today, I had a date with a guy from the Internet. I'm 6ft1, which tends to put potential dates off, so I'd slyly knocked a few inches off my description. Turns out he'd done the same. He'd added a whole foot to his height. I had to crouch to talk to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 748

You deserved it 14 235

Throw in the towel

By Anonymous - 26/08/2021 14:01

Today, my plan to punish my husband by leaving him for a week completely failed. When I got home from the hotel, he had his buddies over happily watching football, but his face fell when I walked in, like I’d ruined his day by coming home. I don’t think my marriage can be saved at this point. FML

I agree, your life sucks 428

You deserved it 1 251

06/10/2018 14:00

Today, I went to take a dump at work, but the last person in the stall didn't flush. As I flushed for him, the shitty water splashed on my face. Some went in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 607

You deserved it 370

22/06/2010 00:27

Today, I finally met the guy I've been talking to online for a year. I'd dropped 10lbs off my weight. He'd shaved 20 years off his age. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 854

You deserved it 38 867

20/02/2011 17:45

Today, my cat tried to kill me. While I was sleeping, he put his paws on either side of my face and laid down, covering my nose and mouth. While I was struggling to free myself, I could hear my sister laughing next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 029

You deserved it 4 952

01/01/2019 04:00

Today, my period was officially 2 weeks late. I have a phobia about giving birth, so I had a panic attack, went to Walmart, spend $15 on four pregnancy tests and a drink, came home, and took the tests. All four came back negative. As I went to clean up and throw everything away, I got my period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 511

You deserved it 742

25/01/2015 18:21

Today, I had a job interview. The interviewer blatantly farted as I sat down, then she sneered, "Making yourself comfortable, I see..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 566

You deserved it 2 444

09/03/2010 01:11

Today, I found the purity ring I lost a year ago. Too bad I lost my virginity 4 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 606

You deserved it 34 070

07/02/2009 07:26

Today, I called the campus police to give me a ride to the cafeteria since I am on crutches from knee surgery. I was only halfway into the car when the man started driving and ran over my foot. Now neither my right knee or my left foot work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 416

You deserved it 2 211

13/07/2012 06:47

Today, my fiancé's grandmother kept trying to introduce him to this "simply absolutely amazing girl," who she thought "would be just the perfect date" for him. At our engagement party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 578

You deserved it 1 997

15/11/2014 13:25

Today, I woke myself up by letting out a long fart. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't fallen asleep while on jury duty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 860

You deserved it 9 415

10/12/2009 21:03

Today, my grandpa was wearing flip flops and white socks. He entered my restroom, and the moment he did it, I realized there was no toilet paper left. I felt too ashamed to interrupt his dump, so I waited for him to ask for paper, he never did and came out without socks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 890

You deserved it 5 517

25/09/2009 16:43

Today, I went on a date with a new guy after not dating for quite some time. I'd drank a lot of water, so I wouldn't eat so much on the date and look like a pig. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten how funny this guy really was. He made me laugh so hard, I peed all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 434

You deserved it 47 244

01/06/2016 17:54

Today, I think I met the one. I had the best date ever. We played mini golf and talked about all the things we had in common. After sharing a kiss, I said goodbye, with the promise to meet up again. Too bad he forgot to mention he was moving to Texas the next day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 254

You deserved it 698

It's the weekend, baby!

By tealsoda - 03/09/2021 12:42

Today, after a friend convinced me to throw a big party, inviting everyone to come, and after fixing a ton of party food, I sat around and waited for my guests to arrive. No one came. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 912

You deserved it 3 661

14/11/2011 21:33

Today, I had to renew my driver's license at the DMV. Earlier, I was in a play and was still covered in stage makeup. I didn't realize that not all of it had come off until after my picture was taken and put on my new license. For the next three years, I'll be the guy with the dark eyeliner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 648

You deserved it 8 817

02/11/2009 12:41

Today, my friends created a fake Facebook profile of a girl, and asked me to be in a relationship. Even my friends think I can't get a real girlfriend, and need a fake one to feel better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 077

You deserved it 4 457

11/05/2012 13:24

Today, I made my friends and family laugh by trying to put on costume glasses with a giant super-sized nose attached to them. They laughed hysterically. Not because of the gigantic nose, but because my real nose was radically bigger and the fake one wouldn't fit over it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 358

You deserved it 3 520

07/09/2009 19:21

Today, I was walking on a busy street. I saw this beautiful blonde walking across the street and a car was coming. I wanted to be like in the movies where the guy pushes the girl out of the way so she doesn't get hit. I accidentally pushed her the wrong way. Right into the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 176

You deserved it 78 044

04/03/2014 21:06

Today, after nearly a month, I found out my wife isn't pregnant after all. She was just screwing around to win a bet with her friends on how long it'd take me to figure out the truth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 755

You deserved it 4 855

04/03/2010 15:48

Today, I got a 95 on my term project. To congratulate me, my boyfriend said we're having sex tonight. I only get laid if I get good grades. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 878

You deserved it 6 748

19/01/2016 06:41

Today, I found out my fiancée has been sleeping with the salesman I bought her engagement ring from. He knew. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 880

You deserved it 1 443

08/04/2009 05:18

Today, while getting my hair done, I was annoyed that the beautician was not paying attention while straightening my hair. After asking her three times to watch what she was doing, I grabbed the iron and said "let me do it, you're going to burn me!". I then burned two layers of skin off my ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 720

You deserved it 113 059

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Wednesday 4 November 2020 6:17

Did she yell at you for not shoving the prawn fried rice up your ass? It's not fair to expect you to obey your drunk dad literally.

SJKatt 12

Send a private message

Wednesday 4 November 2020 23:05

There's so much relevant information missing from this post but one thing is certain; Your life does suck. I'm sorry.

Comments

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Wednesday 4 November 2020 6:17

Did she yell at you for not shoving the prawn fried rice up your ass? It's not fair to expect you to obey your drunk dad literally.

SJKatt 12

Send a private message

Wednesday 4 November 2020 23:05

There's so much relevant information missing from this post but one thing is certain; Your life does suck. I'm sorry.

BurnInDemonFire 32

Send a private message

Thursday 5 November 2020 1:14

Is this an episode of the Kardashians' show?

tounces7 27

Send a private message

Friday 6 November 2020 1:34

Of course she yelled at you, because your dad is most likely an abusive asshole who she is afraid of.

dasin 17

Send a private message

Friday 6 November 2020 6:36

you threw something away and your suprised the person doing taxes yelled at you

Jonkbaby 21

Send a private message

Saturday 21 November 2020 12:52

I'm very sorry, op. Look in Al-Anon, it's for family members of alcoholics