By Anonymous - 3/11/2020 23:01 - Australia

Modern Family

Today, my stupid drunk dad was yelling for food and since my mum needed to finish her taxes before midnight, I told him to STFU and passed him prawn fried rice, which he told me to shove up my ass. I threw it in the bin, since he is the only meat eater in the family. When she finished, she yelled at me instead of him. FML

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Family values

Persona non grata

Can they do that?

By delicious - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I poured boiling water over my instant noodles. A freshly boiled cockroach also rolled out onto my noodles. FML

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By RIPJarJar

Today, my husband gave our three-year-old son a lesson on life and death. He did this by slaughtering our pet chicken for dinner in front of him. My son has been crying for hours. FML

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By seamonkeys - United States

Today, a pregnant friend who is due in 2 weeks posted a picture of a baby on Facebook. I commented congratulations. She's still pregnant. It was a picture of her baby who died 3 years ago. FML

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By Ashlee - United States

Today, while on a date with my boyfriend, he broke up with me. The reason why? Because I took a dump in his bathroom and "that's inappropriate for girls." FML

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By Ouch - United States

Today, I was walking down the hallway when someone opened a door, smashing it into me. The bump makes it look like I have a third boob. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after spending 12 hours desperately searching everywhere I could think of, I'm forced to admit I left my wedding ring in the bathroom of the hotel suite we just spent our honeymoon in, on the literal other side of the planet. I am a dead man. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom tells my sister that she is worried about her because she has a headache and feels like she might be getting a slight cold. I have had the flu for two weeks and have a 103 degree fever. I ask, "What about me?" Her response? "Stay away from your sister." FML

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By LonelyBoy - United States

Today, I realized my girlfriend has way more friends than I do. How did I realize this? She called me to tell me she was at the beach with her friends and how much fun she was having. I was playing WoW in my room, and my friends don't answer my texts. FML

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By 4evalone - United States - Monterey

Today, I was dressed as a single girl. I wore pajama pants, hoodie with no bra, and carried a plate of pizza around. But it wasn't my costume, I just had nowhere to go for Halloween. FML

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By rejected - United States

Today, I was talking to my guy friend about prom. I told him I was turned down by 7 guys. So he said "Well, you could always ask me." I then said "Do you want to go to prom with me?" His response was "Nope...now that's 8!" FML

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By dukemisery - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, my ex-girlfriend called saying she wants to get back together because of how mature and sincere I sounded last night. I despise her and I was drunk last night. FML

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By InconsiderateMuch - Canada - High River

Today, my boyfriend bought another expensive bong to go with the one he bought last month, along with his new phone, airsoft gun, and various other things he's blown our money on this year. He's bought nothing to prepare for our son, though, who's due next month. FML

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By Grant Williams

Today, while mildly tipsy, I threw myself onto my bed at a weird angle and somehow managed to somersault off my bed and land in my clothes hamper. FML

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By Well okay then - United States - Palmdale

Today, after letting the painters working on my house know that they're more than welcome to use my restroom, I walked outside only to find three of them pissing in my garden. One even aimed for my tomatoes. FML

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By asianjoe - United States

Today, at work, I told a lady checking out to sign her name after sliding her credit card. After she started signing her name, she threw the pen down in frustration saying that the pen was out of ink. We use electronic pin pads. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the theatre with my 4-year-old son who was situated on my lap. Halfway through the movie, he turns to face me and states loudly, "Mommy, your legs are so furry!". Everyone watching the show turned and stared at us. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my parents were awake while I was still in bed on my iPod touch. I decided to play The Smurfs Village. One of its minigames involves shaking the iPod, so I was breathing heavily. Later, my parents sat me down for a little "talk". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother had 'the talk' with me about sex. I spent the entire time confused as to what brought this up, until she mentioned she had found a used condom in the backseat of the car. I haven't had any action in it, and have no idea whose it was. FML

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By madfather - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms for my girlfriend, Kim and I. I was in a rush and when I looked at the cashier realized it was her father. Nervous and hoping to reassure him, I go "don't worry, I'm not using these with Kim." That didn't help. FML

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By - 4/1/2020 18:00

The best method!

Today, while discussing having sex for the first time with my boyfriend, I asked what method of birth control we should use. He replied, "Anal." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wichita

Today, my husband finally admitted that he squandered the last three months of my share of the rent on booze. He then blamed me, demanded more money, asked for a divorce, and stormed out. When he returned he asked, "How am I the bad guy?" FML

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By Blueberry - United States - Iowa City

Today, I was showering at my dorm. I had my clothes locked in a locker and my towel and robe hanging outside the stall. Someone took off with my towel and robe, which had my keys. I had to walk down three flights of stairs to get an extra key in nothing but a plastic shower curtain. FML

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By CrazzY88s - Ireland

Today, I bought an apartment over what I have just learned to be an Irish folk music store. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, after months of my doctor telling me that my heart palpitations are simply due to anxiety, and that I'm perfectly healthy, I decided to weight train to face my fears. Two hours later, I was in the emergency room. FML

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By tal - France

Today, I packed my bags and left for the airport. When I passed through security, the X-ray scanner discovered that my cat had also come along for the ride. FML

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By Seriously - United States

Today, after having just cleaned my office at work, I sat at my desk and opened a can of Diet Coke, which then exploded all over my desk, keyboard, and everything else in its path. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my mom borrowed my computer without my permission and downloaded a virus. I came home to a blue screen of death. She refuses to admit fault and pay for a new computer. FML

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By Former Drummer - United States - Tulsa

Today, I was diagnosed with migraines. Any loud sounds or bright lights make it worse. I'm the drummer for a heavy metal band, so I now have to choose between really bad migraines or a career. FML

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By jumpy - United States

Today, I put cucumber slices on my eyes to help me relax. I found this very calming till I woke up to ants trying to eat my eyes out. FML

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By itssomething - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, my closest encounter to having sex in the last four months was getting chlamydia from Russell Brand. In a dream. FML

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By why - United States - Broomfield

Today, I'm no longer allowed to work the drive-thru at my job, because over the weekend, 3 dumbasses I go to school with came in and complained to my manager, saying I sounded a creepy pervert and that it scared them enough to take their business elsewhere. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is getting back together with his crazy alcoholic ex-wife who frequently cheated on him. In addition to this news, I also found out that he maxed out all my credit cards. FML

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By LostSoul

Today, I was at a store. I asked if I needed a key for their bathroom, and they said the door was open. I have to walk past them to go in and out of the bathroom. Thirty seconds later, they used the key and walked in on me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I wound up in hospital because my boyfriend covered my face in fake gore while I was sleeping, to see if I was really as scared of blood as I claimed. Sure enough, when I saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror, I fainted, smashing my head against the counter on the way down. FML

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By MyMomIsInsane - United States - Uniontown

Today, my mom demanded that I go into the basement and fix the water heater. I told her that I had no idea how to fix it, so she threw my phone down the stairs, told me to Google it, and locked the basement door behind me. It's been two hours. FML

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By nichaneely - United States

Today, I was working when an older lady came up to buy a coffee. Her son cried for a cup of whipped cream to snack on. She shook her head, silently telling me to say no. I said we were out. The mother took her drink and said, "I'm sorry honey, but the mean man said you couldn't have any." FML

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By reconnect - United States

Today, Facebook told me I should reconnect with my husband. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, my sister used my mobile phone to call her boyfriend who is married with children. His wife found my number on his phone and thinks that I am my sister. Since then, she has been calling me non-stop, calling me a 'prostitute' each time. FML

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By disney_dick - United States - Mims

Today, my boyfriend asked me to try humming during a blow job. He seemed to like it at first, but apparently "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from Mulan wasn't a good choice. He still isn't speaking to me. FML

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By E-fail - 7/10/2020 08:53 - Canada - Bathurst

On yer bike

Today, I received my new e-bike. I could barely afford it but I desperately needed a method of transportation. On my second ride, I splashed through a fresh sidewalk. There was sidewalk in the chain, in the brakes, everywhere. There goes my brand new bike. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7949720 - Wednesday 4 November 2020 6:17

Did she yell at you for not shoving the prawn fried rice up your ass?

It's not fair to expect you to obey your drunk dad literally.

By SJKatt | 8

#7949898 - Wednesday 4 November 2020 23:05

There's so much relevant information missing from this post but one thing is certain; Your life does suck. I'm sorry.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7949720 - Wednesday 4 November 2020 6:17

Did she yell at you for not shoving the prawn fried rice up your ass?

It's not fair to expect you to obey your drunk dad literally.

By SJKatt | 8

#7949898 - Wednesday 4 November 2020 23:05

There's so much relevant information missing from this post but one thing is certain; Your life does suck. I'm sorry.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7949918 - Thursday 5 November 2020 1:14

Is this an episode of the Kardashians' show?

By tounces7 | 27

#7950114 - Friday 6 November 2020 1:34

Of course she yelled at you, because your dad is most likely an abusive asshole who she is afraid of.

By dasin | 16

#7950131 - Friday 6 November 2020 6:36

you threw something away and your suprised the person doing taxes yelled at you

By Jonkbaby | 19

#7953458 - Saturday 21 November 2020 12:52

I'm very sorry, op. Look in Al-Anon, it's for family members of alcoholics