By Anonymous - 4/10/2020 04:02 - United States - Holmdel

Miscommunication

Today, I went to a going away party for a coworker. I had brought weed for the party and at one point a guy asked me if I have a Grindr. I replied, "No, I don't use those dating apps. I do have a Fetlife but that's it, if you want it." He apparently meant a weed grinder. Most awkward 3 hours ever. FML

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Triage

Mr. Burns

Business school of business school

By februarymarchapril - United States - Austin

First time

Today, I shaved for the first time. My mum gave me a razor and I spent about 20 minutes trying to use it. I gave up, yelling, "FUCK IT!" and put it back on the shelf. It fell, and as it hit the floor, a lid fell off. I'd tried to shave with a sheathed razor for 20 minutes. FML

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By Stop being healthy

Today, and every other day this week, I brought carrots and celery into work to eat as a snack instead of chocolate. I got back from lunch to find a note on my desk saying, "Do you really think it's OK to eat carrots and celery that loudly every day?" Guess I won't try to be healthy. FML

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By Ariel - 5/10/2020 10:02

Zeitgeist

Today, my dishes smelled so perfume-y after going through the dishwasher and a clean glass of water tasted soapy. I checked the pods my husband bought and loaded into the dishwasher to make sure we never got that brand again. They were laundry detergent pods. I was essentially a millennial eating a Tide Pod. FML

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By Facebook - United States

Today, I logged into facebook for the first time in a month. I had only 3 new notifications, they were to tell me that the poker application I used on there "missed me" and wanted to give me 10,000 free chips. My poker app talks to me more than my friends. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I was sitting on the couch with my fiancé, when he jumped up and viciously sat on my face. I then heard, smelled, and tasted the most violent, horrific fart known to man. I still can't get the taste out of my mouth, and he can't stop laughing. I'm getting married to this guy. FML

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By nosymptoms - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three months told me he's going to get tested for STDs, because he's worried about a previous partner. I'm grateful for his thoughtfulness, but I'd be even more grateful if we hadn't already slept together several times. FML

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By jj4320 - United States

Today, I got pulled over for distracted driving. Not for cell phone use but for nose picking and inspecting. FML

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By gabby - United States

Today, I dolled myself up and hit the campus gym, hoping to leave with a cute boy's number. I left in a stretcher. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Macomb

Today, I had to quickly back out of a Skype call between me and three coworkers because my fiancée came home from work in tears. When things had calmed down, I re-entered the call to find them unaware I had returned, saying how glad they were I had left because they all secretly despise me. FML

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By foretwintie - Canada

Today, while I was taking a break at work, someone stole my iPod from my desk. I work in a police station. FML

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By massachusettsan - United States - Monomoy Island

Guitar Porn

Today, I got the same feeling in my chest when I orgasmed as when I hit a hard section in Guitar Hero. FML

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By dorianseiji - France - Amiens

Today, I ate an apple. My sister then walks in dressed as a witch, and asks, "Have you seen my poisoned apple?" She was playing at Snow White, and the apple had been dipped in the toilet, the cat's food bowl and the garbage can. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

The devil is in the details

Today, after cancelling work, arguing with my family, scrambling to pack my bags, speeding to the airport and filling in immigration forms to fly out to have a much needed holiday, I wasn't allowed to check in. My passport has less than 6 months away from expiration on it. Yes, that's a thing, apparently. FML

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By Deanna

Rumble in the night

Today, I spent the night with in a hotel with my boyfriend's parents, because I went with them to visit him in Atlanta. This morning when I woke up, the first thing they said to me was, "Wow, you're a small girl but you snore like a man." FML

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By Kendal - Canada

Today, I was baking cookies. I stared at them for 15 minutes and finally asked my dad, "Why are these taking so long?" He looked up at the oven and replied, "It might help if you turn the oven on." FML

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By theslutmuncher - Germany - Merseburg

Today, in the midst of his ongoing mid-life crisis, my dad forced me to accompany him for some father-son bonding. The bonding involved me driving us away at high speed after he gleefully hurled a bucket of paint all over a store window. FML

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By elizabeth - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I came home to my mother-in-law wearing the gold chain which I usually keep in a hidden drawer. I searched my drawer only to find out my chain was missing. I asked my mother-in-law if she took it and she keeps denying the fact that she stole it from me. My husband is on her side. FML

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By Ploeboi - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally got a job. As a clown. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2021 17:00

Our house, is a very very very fine house

Today, my housemate, who never cleans, cooked tacos, then left her dishes for the rest of the evening. When shown a bowl of murky water in the sink, she denied it was hers, prompting my vegetarian housemate to clean it. Putting her hand in the bowl, she found a lump of raw taco meat. Yum. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I managed to electrocute myself on a plug socket while I was showing a group of trainee electricians how not to electrocute themselves while rewiring a plug socket. FML

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By preggers - Canada

Today, my husband asked me if I was really pregnant or if I was just smuggling cheeseburgers. I'm now referred to as "the hamburgler." I'm only 5 months pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking on a main street downtown. Suddenly, I felt someone slap my butt. I turned around, expecting to be my girlfriend who was to meet me there and almost gave an old homeless man a kiss on the cheek. FML

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By ABBenzin - United States

Today, I was breaking into a house when three police cruisers pulled up. They ran my social, my license plates, and asked me twenty minutes worth of questions, before allowing me to go back to work. I work as a locksmith; the homeowner had lost their keys. FML

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By Tomato

Today, I went with the kids I work with to a roller rink, where there are tons of black lights. Under the glow, I realized in horror that an old semen stain could be seen on my shorts. Praying no one saw, or realized what it was. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, after finally getting rid of an extremely rude, abusive customer, I muttered that I could kill people like her. I didn't know my manager had heard me, until a pair of police officers arrived. He'd reported me for "threatening to murder a customer". FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2020 20:01

Age appropriate

Today, I got refused a Red Bull because I didn't have my ID on me and you have to be over 16 to legally buy one. I'm 26 and was paying for petrol for the car that I was going to drive away in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, seconds after my mom put my yorkie onto my bed, he threw up. His head was not fully over the bed itself, so the wet chunks fell straight into my backpack onto my new school books. FML

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By cieee - United States

Today, I got a text from my mom saying, "I heard the cupcake store got robbed. Where are you?" Then she texted back, "Oh never mind, they wanted money, not cupcakes. It wasn't you." Very funny, Mom. FML

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By tb351 - United States

Today, I asked my kids if I looked good before going to work. Smiling, they told me I looked wonderful. It wasn't until I got to work and looked into the mirror until I noticed my left eyebrow was gone. FML

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By sweetie808 - United States - Kailua Kona

Today, around 12 a.m., my pet parrot said a sentence I've never heard him say before. Usually this would be exciting, but considering he said, 'I killed the bird', and that one of my two love birds mysteriously died a few days ago, it's safe to say I'm now terrified. FML

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By mellielynnemily - United States

Today, at my apartment complex, I was carrying a bag of trash up to the dumpster. A guy stopped his car and helped me carry it the rest of the way. I thanked him and he asked me out. I explained that I was married. He grabbed the trash bag and carried it back to my apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2021 19:01 - United Kingdom - London

The real me

Today, after three days of dating a boy I liked, he came out as gay on his Instagram. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to patiently listen as a customer nattered on and on about how incompetent I was for not stocking the movie she was looking for. It took nearly 20 minutes to get her to calm down long enough for me to explain that there is no such movie as "Hobbits With Shotguns". FML

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By prince232 - Australia - Sydney

Today, after having a second interview with a club I want to work for, the interviewer ignored my work references. Instead, he told me he was going to call the only manager I never got along with, for reference in a job I left 5 years ago, because he knows her personally. FML

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By bookworm

Today, I had a garage sale and sold some books I don't read anymore. A woman came up and yelled at me, saying I'd stolen one of the books from her house. I later found out that it was a distraction so that her boyfriend could steal my TV. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got my first tattoo. When I showed my boyfriend, he asked where I got the design. I told him I saw it in a sketch book of his. He designed it for his last girlfriend, who got it in the same place. FML

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By tanksfan - India

Today, after secretly smoking for more than 2 years, I decided to quit. I come home from work and I see my wife holding a pack and asking me what was it doing behind the toilet seat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at work, a man came in wearing a very elaborate cowboy ensemble and went to talk to one of my coworkers. Once he left, I asked her how she knew a gay cowboy. She then explained that he's actually a farmer and her husband of ten years. FML

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By arrestedgun - Canada

Today, I went to a dollar store with a couple friends to buy cap guns to play with. We were having a lot of fun with them, and took them onto a bus. 5 minutes later, three cops got on, handcuffed us, and sternly talked to us about the dangers of guns. We got arrested for toy guns. We are 17. FML

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By sigh - Singapore - Singapore

Lovely parents

Today, my parents forgot it was my birthday. They ordered me to scrub the common bathroom, and when I asked if they remembered, my dad's reaction was "Oh! Really?" My mom's was "I thought that it was next week." What lovely parents I have. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7942663 - Sunday 4 October 2020 16:04

Could have been worse. You could have said, "No, I have a hoagie, or we could get Subway to deliver."

By RichardPencil | 30

#7942737 - Monday 5 October 2020 0:15

*too

In the US, sub* sandwiches are called hoagies or grinders in different regions.

*submarine, not submissive, nor substitute.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7942663 - Sunday 4 October 2020 16:04

Could have been worse. You could have said, "No, I have a hoagie, or we could get Subway to deliver."

Reply

Nolimets | 12

#7942734 - Monday 5 October 2020 0:12

U smoked to much of it ?

Reply

RichardPencil | 30

#7942737 - Monday 5 October 2020 0:15

*too

In the US, sub* sandwiches are called hoagies or grinders in different regions.

*submarine, not submissive, nor substitute.

By timinator5000 | 28

#7942710 - Sunday 4 October 2020 22:47

What's your fetlife?

By Nolimets | 12

#7942733 - Monday 5 October 2020 0:11

You smoked to much weed didn’t you?

Reply

JasonThorn | 18

#7943510 - Thursday 8 October 2020 10:42

If they felt comfortable enough to share a Fetlife account with someone at an office party, drug-induced stupidity is a valid concern.