By m?? - 10/10/2019 04:00

Mansplaining 101

Today, as always, my boyfriend is better than me at everything, including skills that I have years of experience with, while he has none. FML

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Yappy neighborhood

Assumptions

Rich people problems

By fmlifetime - 24/10/2009 22:24 - United States

Today, while shopping for some bananas at my local grocery store, an old woman came up to me and started rubbing my stomach. She simply asked when I was due. I am a 43 year old man with a beer belly. FML

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By malcolmXXX - 14/10/2015 02:01 - United States - Savannah

Today, a girl I've liked for the longest time kept asking me to reveal my "deepest secret" in exchange for hers. Thinking this was flirting, I told her my secret was that I liked her. Her secret was that she was a "lesbian and just had to tell somebody." FML

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By shygirl - 20/5/2012 13:13 - United States - Sterling Heights

Today, my sister got married. It was also the day that I was supposed to deliver a heartfelt toast to the happy couple. I got so nervous that I kept stuttering and finally ended with "Congrats Beth and Steve!" Her husband's name is Eric. Her ex was named Steve. FML

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By Brunofk7 - 21/11/2015 00:59 - Peru - Lima

Today, I made a multiple choice exam so my friend could practice and get a good grade on his real exam. While I was helping him finish it, the teacher saw it, thought we were cheating and failed us both. FML

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By cough - 27/12/2019 14:00 - Canada - Toronto

Good initiative

Today, I was choking on an apple and asked my sister to get me some water. She got some. Then drank it herself. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2009 01:03 - United States

Today, my fiancé was performing oral on me, when I heard him start making a "Waka waka waka waka" noise. He confessed to pretending to be Pacman. FML

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By thedudeman14 - 5/11/2014 22:21 - United States - Deer Park

Today, my phone died while I was on the phone with my girlfriend. When I finally got a charger, I saw a text message from her. I'm now single. FML

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By squishy - 18/11/2009 21:11 - Canada

Today, I woke up with a ridiculous hangover and no memory of last night. I called my friend who told me that I was so trashed I ended up eating all the hamburgers and chicken fingers in her fridge. I've been a vegetarian for 15 years. FML

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By Ally - 27/9/2015 01:47 - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I wrote a song for my boyfriend on paper. The first thing he did was correct my grammar. FML

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By Kyrstin Budd - 13/4/2017 12:00

Today, I noticed a lady at work staring at me very intently. When she realized she had my attention, she made a sweeping gesture over her head and said, "Hair is like Trump!" FML

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By raebay - 5/11/2009 01:23 - United States

Today, after I bathed my nine month old, I laid her on my bed to grab a diaper. I turned around to see that she'd peed on my comforter. I then put her in her playpen to put my cover in the wash. I came back into the room to get her, and saw she'd taken off her diaper. She'd crapped in her playpen. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2014 21:07 - United States

Today, I had a wonderful dream where I got married to the perfect guy, then had the best sex of my life on a beautiful honeymoon. The only problem is that my "husband" was the snowman from Frozen, and that I got sad when I realized it was just a dream. FML

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By HereWeGoAgain - 22/9/2017 13:00

Romance in Appalachia

Today, my mother beamingly asked for my opinion on her wedding dress. She is engaged to her cousin. Conveniently, they already have the same last name. FML

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By Mangler - 22/6/2010 13:49 - Belgium

Today, my grandfather died. The last thing he said to me was "You smell awful." I work in a fish store. FML

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By fanaticalfuckspawn - 25/8/2014 20:14 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I told my mom I've been taking yoga lessons, and that it'd be cool if she took some with me. She immediately went on a rant, calling yoga "satanic" and accusing me of trying to get her into "devil worship". Well, that's the last time I try to patch our relationship up. FML

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By FUCK, NO. - 26/5/2019 06:11

Today, my pasty white boyfriend told me he intended to try and grow dreadlocks. FML

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By shahman14 - 2/6/2019 00:02

Today, I started working at an extremely prestigious bank. In the first five minutes of being there, the boss had me do his laundry at a Laundromat, and when I actually tried to work, he kept showing me some magic tricks. Later on, he fired me for HIS mistake of giving an extra $400 to a customer. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2018 15:00

Today, I went to the dentist and found out I still have a wisdom tooth. I got all four out last summer... or at least I thought I did. Now I have to go back and get it removed. Again. FML

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By hannah - 17/2/2011 05:58 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend finally convinced me that if I picked up her cat it wouldn't scratch my eyes out. It peed on me instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2020 08:00

He's a very naughty boy

Today, a Jehovah's Witness followed me around, talking about Jesus. My dad's a pastor. I hear this stuff all day, every day. FML

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By m0m - 4/3/2016 14:01 - Belgium - Brasschaat

Today, I had to explain to my 27 year-old sister why a stainless steel fork isn't a good toy for my 8 month-old baby. Twice. FML

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By loser. - 20/3/2010 06:23 - Canada

Today, I dove into the water perfectly, and my bikini bottoms came off. I splashed around nervously. This guy must have thought I was drowning, and dove in to save me. He emerged from the water carrying a half naked girl. FML

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By Typidiot - 25/10/2017 01:37

Today, I spent ages writing a draft press release as part of a copywriting job application. I worked really hard and read it through several times before submitting. They emailed me to point out that I'd misspelled the name of the company. Twice. FML

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By Chloe - 20/12/2010 18:08 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day on a £600 a week job. I was fired for being 10 minutes late. FML

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By why? - 1/1/2013 05:41 - United States - Hackensack

Today, my dad has decided to that as a New Year's resolution, he's going to strive to wear pants less often. It's only been an hour and I can already tell it's going to be a long year. FML

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By Denki - 30/1/2013 12:21 - China - Beijing

Today, I went to my cousin's wedding. The groom walked over when the two of us were talking, took one good look at me, slapped me on the ass, and said, "You know, if I wasn't marrying Rose here, you'd be next." Yeah, about that: I'm a 16-year old guy. FML

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By Alex - 15/8/2011 04:16 - New Zealand

Today, it was my engagement party. All was going fabulously until my fiancé's dad decided to give us a toast, and completely forgot my name in front of all my family and friends. I've been with his son for 7 years. FML

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By Arghh - 13/4/2011 13:34 - United States

Today, I had an allergic reaction to cranberry juice. The only reason I was drinking cranberry juice was to help with a bladder infection. Now I'm covered in what looks like a rash and peeing constantly. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2010 10:17 - United States

Today, my new wife and I got back from our honeymoon. Her parents had dropped our wedding gifts off at our apartment, but didn't lock the door. We came home to start off our new life together to a wrecked apartment and no gifts. FML

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By ohno - 14/9/2010 23:30 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend of 3 years out to where we had our first date. I proposed to her. She breaks down in tears as she tells me she's been sleeping with her co-worker for the past year. FML

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By single - 8/8/2015 06:23 - United States - Houston

Today, my psycho ex crashed a date with my girlfriend. She acted like we were still together and made a big show of dumping me for cheating on her. My actual girlfriend bought it hook line and sinker. Now I'm single again. FML

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By norpedo - 17/5/2015 19:32 - United States - Cleveland

Today, in bare consciousness, I found out what it feels like to be stabbed in the hand with an earring. How? By slamming my hand on the snooze button of my alarm and missing horribly. FML

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By retailworker - 9/1/2020 14:00

Customer service

Today, at work, I was helping a customer over the phone. Another customer came and asked me a question. I let them know I'd be with them shortly. They then said "I really think you should hang up. The customer is always first." FML

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By SLA - 23/3/2009 23:12 - United States

Today, my 11 year old brother walked in on me sitting on my boyfriend's ass and giving him a back massage. He tilted his head a little and then said "Aren't you guys doing it wrong? Isn't he supposed to be on top?" My boyfriend laughed and gave him a high-five. FML

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By oops - 31/3/2015 01:52 - Australia - Newtown

Today, I needed to pee at my friend's house. His bathroom door is often left closed even if there's no one in there, so I knocked just to make sure. His stepdad opened the door stark naked. FML

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By HowToGetFired - 7/7/2015 20:20 - United States - Tampa

Today, I just finished a driving school that I thought would lower my insurance by 10%. It was 30 hours so I was glad it was over, that was until I found out I took the wrong class. FML

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By Celewyn - 4/10/2016 11:11 - Australia

Today, my patient knocked my glasses off as I assisted him in the shower. We both looked in terror as they fell into his unflushed toilet. This patient was isolated due to a contagious infection. FML

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By Kylee Day - 27/8/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for a second time. Then when I was getting dressed with him sitting there next to me, there was a silence. He thought to fill it, he'd grab my hand and fist-bump me. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2009 00:39 - United States

Today, I developed the disposable camera pictures from my family's trip to Disney World. I noticed that in the pictures I took of them in front of the big castle at Magic Kingdom, my wife and son were standing a few feet away from a man who was touching himself. FML

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By GlassPwn - 19/12/2009 05:01 - United States

Today, I walked into my room in only a towel. I walked in front of my brother to get to my computer. He said, "My webcam is on." I replied smartly by screaming, hugging the towel tightly to me, turning, and running straight into the glass door, dropping the towel. His friends saw and laughed. FML

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Top comments

By Briarpatch | 20

#7849971 - Thursday 10 October 2019 4:39

Google "dunning-kruger effect"

By bullsonyourface | 20

#7850134 - Thursday 10 October 2019 20:50

I wonder if he sucks dick better than you

COMMENTS

By Briarpatch | 20

#7849971 - Thursday 10 October 2019 4:39

Google "dunning-kruger effect"

Reply

ZealousR47 | 4

#7849987 - Thursday 10 October 2019 6:02

just did. oh snap

By RichardPencil | 28

#7850005 - Thursday 10 October 2019 7:59

I wish you'd list some examples. There may be people out there you can interpret this in very different ways.

I'm not one of those, of course.

By Mathalamus | 24

#7850028 - Thursday 10 October 2019 9:47

You must be pretty darn bad at it.

By Pascal666 | 7

#7850030 - Thursday 10 October 2019 9:51

Dump his worthless ass and get yourself a real man.

Reply

Mathalamus | 24

#7850039 - Thursday 10 October 2019 10:54

Worthless...?

By bullsonyourface | 20

#7850134 - Thursday 10 October 2019 20:50

I wonder if he sucks dick better than you

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7850219 - Friday 11 October 2019 6:15

Beginner's luck? Or maybe he has an eye for detail that you don't.

By timinator5000 | 28

#7850223 - Friday 11 October 2019 6:30

Examples please?

By Stefan Lindblom | 5

#7850995 - Monday 14 October 2019 10:18

I can see this post in two ways. Either he is better than you and that means that you are bad at what you do or he claims to be better than you and that means that he needs to be put down a peg or ten.

By Chris Cowperthwait | 4

#7852269 - Friday 18 October 2019 21:39

way to be grey, vague and unhelpful in your description