By Theresa - 10/10/2020 17:01

Man's best friend

Today, at my daughter's soccer game, my nephew's dog helped herself to the Snowball I was eating, leaving fur on the side she didn't lick and left it unsalvageable. She peed on the blanket I was sitting on, tried to bite another kid, and went on to pop my kid's soccer ball that she'd used twice since I purchased it. FML

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Mother of the year

Hope there's no dancing involved

Help!

By Anonymous - United States - Meriden

Today, my girlfriend wanted to try having sex despite her serious body image issues. Unfortunately, I couldn't get it up due to how utterly terrified she looked. Now no matter what I say, she thinks it's all because her body is hideous. FML

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By Anonymous

Willpower

Today, I started my new health kick: granola for breakfast, salad for lunch and gym after work. I was so proud of myself until I couldn’t take it anymore and binged at McDonald’s. My health kick lasted 11 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fair Haven

Today, we had a school reunion. The guy who bullied me throughout my high school career is now rich and married. I'm broke and single, and he specifically came up to me to point it out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the guy I have loved for seven years asked me to move in with him. Turns out he only did so because he needed someone to pay the rent since he's quit his job. FML

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By qwertyasdfghzxcv - Canada

Today, I took my dog to the vet and she was diagnosed with obesity. The vet then told me that dogs usually imitate their owners eating and behavior habits. FML

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By Zaak

Ouch.

Today, my neighbor, whom I've had a massive crush on but barely know, actually started flirting with me. Long story short, it ended with him getting a blowjob. I said, "We should make this a thing." He replied, "Yeah, a one-time thing." FML

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By Notthatone - United States - Madison

Today, I came out as bisexual to my 17-year-old sister. She was quiet for a second, then told me she knows for sure I only have "girl parts". I had to explain to her the difference between being bi and being a hermaphrodite. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I came home early to surprise my wife. No, it's not what you're thinking: I didn't find her cheating on me. She wasn't even home, but my dad was. He'd used his spare key and was on my sofa, drinking my beer and watching my TV. The first words out of his mouth? "Your beer's shit." FML

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By Anonymous - India - Tuticorin

Today, my fiancé and his family accused me of being with him only because he's rich, refusing to go ahead with the wedding. I accepted his marriage proposal 4 years ago, when he was penniless and unemployed. FML

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By misunderstood - Australia

Today, after having a fight with my boyfriend, we had what I thought to be the best make-up sex, because he seemed so happy and upbeat. Turns out he misunderstood. He was happy because he thought it was break-up sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2021 03:59

Family Ties

Today, my future mother-in-law blamed me for the death of her husband because I should have taken him to the ER when she didn't feel like it. She then blamed me for her getting a new boyfriend less than two months later and making her son hate her when she insisted he call the guy "Dad". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went over to my friend’s house while she was sick. In order to show me how bad her sense of smell was, she took a handful of VapoRub and rubbed it all over and inside of my nose then said, “Can you smell that? I can’t.” Yes, I can. But I can also feel my nostrils burning. FML.

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By Anonymous

Today, my mom told me I couldn't be best man at my best friend's wedding. I'm 25. FML

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By FarewellRalphs

Today, I went grocery shopping with my grandmother. Our bagger offered to help load our groceries, to which my grandmother replied, "Oh, what a nice young colored boy." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a job interview. When I got there, the lady interviewing me shook my hand and said, 'Hello, I'm gay.' I found this strange and I didn't know what to say, so I stated, 'Aw, it's OK, I support you.' She looked pretty offended, and I realized why when I found out that her name was Gaye. FML

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By yaa

Everyone's an expert

Today, my sister's husband, who's never even been to college let alone medical school, told me that my cancer is not hereditary, despite a deep family history. He instead swears it's due to my "poor lifestyle and eating habits." Mind you, he's a 300 lbs, fall-down drunk with multiple DUIs. FML

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By Lil_bit - France

Today, I backed into our new garage door. The same new garage door that we purchased because I broke our old one by backing into it. FML

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By screwwyou - United States

Today, I was talking and joking with my boyfriend. He said "Hey wanna hear a joke?" I said "Yes." He said, "Our relationship." and walked away. He seriously dumped me through a one-liner. FML

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By trippiex

Today, I was driving by the carnival and I really had to use the bathroom. I saw a porta-potty next to a house, so I parked in their front yard to use the bathroom very quickly. I came out to see a group of teenage boys urinating on my car. FML

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By Max

Today, I sent a thank you note after a job interview, emphasizing my accuracy at editing written reports; I misspelled the company's name. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Gainesville

Today, I discovered that the vitamin I've been taking for hair growth actually works really well. Unfortunately, it only works on my leg hair. FML

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By sigh - United States - North Branford

Today, I gave the guy I've been seeing a copy of my newly published book, because I know he loves writing. He started reading and commented on how amazing it was. Then he gave it back. He didn't realize it was a gift. My awkward self didn't correct him. I'd written him a sweet letter inside. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2021 16:58

Stuck on amber

Today, I'm living with my now ex-girlfriend of 9 years in the house we bought together. What's worse than that is the fact that 2 weeks before she told me she was unhappy and ended it, I had bought an engagement ring. I didn't get the chance to ask, and had to return the ring. FML

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By clumsy - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, I tried to "trip" and fall into this guy I've had a crush on. I missed and fell on my face. He stepped over me and kept walking. FML

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By Sad nerd - United Kingdom - Ringwood

Today, I got an offer to study at a good university. My father has been pushing me to apply for years, so I ecstatically broke the news. Instead of congratulating me, he just grunted and delivered the more important news that he's divorcing my mum. Moment ruined. FML

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By Adalia - United Kingdom

Today, I wore a beautiful new dress that I got for £5 only in a sale. I've been turning heads in it all day. When I got home, my mum pulled the massive red £5 tag off of the back. FML

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By lifesucks4me - United States

Today, I'm playing basketball with my little brother. After jokingly blocking his shot, he turns to me and says "You're a bitch." He's 6. After asking where he heard that word, he responded with "Daddy calls you that when you're not around." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2021 02:02

Dragging it out

Today, I hadn’t seen my boyfriend since New Year’s Day, then we went out for lunch Valentine's Day and at the end of the date he didn’t even kiss me. He texted me at midnight tonight saying he sorry he’s a jerk and broke up with me. FML

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By crap - 17/7/2020 05:00

Compassionate

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because apparently, I'm a drug addict who can't speak without slurring and stumbling with my words. I have a recurring speech impediments and the stammer is definitely real. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicopee

Today, I finally got around to cleaning out my mother's things after her passing. In the process I found a fancy box. What did it contain? A collection of crack pipes. FML

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By muffincakess - France

Today, I went to buy some spray paint for a project. I've never used a spray can before, so I decided to try it on paper provided. Unfortunately I didn't hold the can the right way and ended up with black, permanent, paint all over my face in the middle of a store. FML

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By B-Ry

Today, I had a date with a girl. The chemistry was just right and she seemed perfect in every way until she staunchly insisted that the earth is flat. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was kayaking with my friend. We figured it'd be awesome if I jumped from my kayak straight into his. Sounded good in theory. One flipped kayak, a pair of lost glasses and a humiliating swim back to shore later, I'm starting to think it wasn't the best idea. FML

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By notgoodenough38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend left me for my sister. I can't stop thinking about all those days they went out alone for "girl time." FML

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By motorboatofdoom

Nice way to go, really

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is terrified of me seeing her sex faces, so she violently squished my face between her boobs during sex. I then had a severe asthma attack because I couldn't breathe properly. FML

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By Imretarded - United States

Today, I saw my mom naked as she came out of the shower. I realized that's the first time I've ever seen a naked woman. I'm a 24 year old guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2021 12:01 - United States

Care and sympathy

Today, after taking vacation time to visit her, my mom told me she was glad I was leaving so she could get back to her diet. I'm prediabetic and have been trying to manage the condition. She ordered dessert at every meal and was the only one in the family who did. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, my 15-year-old daughter asked for a ride to her boyfriend's house. It's the same house I've been driving her to for sleepovers with her friend "Kate" for two years. FML

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By PissingMeOff - 16/10/2020 13:55 - United Kingdom - Durham

Firehose

Today, I found out that my boyfriend pees in the shower. This would've been OK if he was peeing into the drain. Instead, he pees on the shampoo and soap bottles. FML

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By Facepalmum - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my 14-year-old son showed me a "bird's egg" he was looking after in his room. It was a dried up dog turd. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7944049 - Saturday 10 October 2020 17:59

That dog sounds like a real ball-buster.

By tounces7 | 27

#7944303 - Sunday 11 October 2020 19:47

Untrained dogs are the fucking worst. Your Nephew is 100% at fault here.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7944049 - Saturday 10 October 2020 17:59

That dog sounds like a real ball-buster.

By SquirrelRulingtheWorld | 7

#7944133 - Sunday 11 October 2020 5:08

My condolences on the loss of your snowball.

By tounces7 | 27

#7944303 - Sunday 11 October 2020 19:47

Untrained dogs are the fucking worst. Your Nephew is 100% at fault here.