By Macdaddy - France

Heimlich

Today, I attended my first meeting with my bosses. For lunch we went to a restaurant. I choked on a piece of meat and couldn't breathe anymore. I had to take that piece of meat out of my throat with my fingers, and then put it back on my plate all chewed up. FML

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Serious times

Congratulations!

The Phoebe Technique

By ceedee - United States

Today, I was pondering the meaning of life - why I'm here, why anyone is here, why go on, and whether it's worth it... Then it hit me. The football in the head, not the meaning of life. FML

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By Rusty - United States - New City

Today, I'm actually starting to miss my former heroin addict neighbor because of how mellow he was compared to my new neighbors. FML

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By TooYoungForThis

Benjamin Button

Today, my father was helping me move into college. When we arrived, the students helping people move in mistook me for one of the parents. I’m 19. FML

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By Shiet - Singapore

Today, I found out that people are notified when you list them on Twitter. I've been listing people as "Interesting" and "Stupid". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Auburn

Today, I had to explain to my teacher that Czechoslovakia is no longer a country. She kicked me out of class when she found out I was right. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I have a condition that, when I pull my foreskin back, it looks as if a rubber band has been put on it. The doctor told me the only way to fix it was to have me circumcised. My mum laughed, then asked him if he had a magnifying lens to do it. FML

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By Chris - United States

Today, I put my hamster in his ball, and spent about an hour cleaning his cage. When I came back, I realized he wasn't even alive. FML

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By gold3nshow3r - United States - Roanoke

Today, I woke up to a strange wetness covering my body. My drunk roommate's urine. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2021 17:00 - United States - San Diego

I hate my life

Today, I woke up and remembered that I'm in law school. Now, I'm about to go to sleep, and I'm still in law school. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, at work, we finally got a digital projector so our theater can show 3D movies. Our first movie is The Jonas Brothers Concert. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend that her mom doesn't give us any privacy when we're at their place. I suggested that we go to my place for a change, and she agreed. Her mom called my house three times to see what we were doing. We're well beyond teenagers. FML

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By social anxiety my a** - Switzerland - Zurich

Today, after three years with my boyfriend hardly ever going to any social or public event with me due to his social anxiety, I got to witness him improve his flirting skills on every girl available at his house party. FML

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By Leyla - United States - Franklin

Today, my boyfriend and I respectfully asked my landlady if he could stay with me until he gets back on his feet. He was robbed at gunpoint in his house last night. Landlady then yelled because we aren't married, and then showed up at my door at 10pm, "just making sure John isn't here". FML

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By ihatemylife - United States - Naperville

Today, at 24, I still can't grow a single bit of facial hair. Well, at least not on the right side of my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, two women came into my place of work, complaining loudly that they couldn't afford a £3 course fee because they didn't have any money to spend on themselves. They were holding large Starbucks coffees. FML

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By mellielynnemily - United States

Today, at my apartment complex, I was carrying a bag of trash up to the dumpster. A guy stopped his car and helped me carry it the rest of the way. I thanked him and he asked me out. I explained that I was married. He grabbed the trash bag and carried it back to my apartment. FML

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By Massasam - United States

Today, I was late for work. Trying to cut a few seconds off the clock, I tried to open my breakfast candy bar while taking a piss. I ended up pissing all over myself and dropping the bar in the toilet. FML

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By 102496 - France

Today, I went to the store with my 4 1/2 year old daughter. When we got to the cosmetics aisle, she asked what make-up was for, I told her it was to make women prettier. My daughter then told me it was a good thing I wear make-up because I was ugly and that I might scare off my husband. FML

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By SingleSara. - Canada

Today, I found out my sister has a new boyfriend. That would have been helpful to know 3 hours ago before I told her boyfriend, who is also my best friend, that I loved him. His response? "HAHAHA! Good one! Oh Seriously? Shit." FML

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By Greg - United Kingdom

Today, I got left in the middle of slow dancing with a girl I liked. She came back and said, "Sorry, I had to make sure the guy I really like knows that I don't like you." FML

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By AH - United States

Today, I told my parents that all I wanted for my 18th birthday was to go to a restaurant in NYC for a nice dinner. My parents denied me saying that it would cost too much money. I come home today to see my parents had bought a huge plasma screen TV for $800. We already have 3 tv's. FML

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By Becca Velveeta

Easy mistake to make

Today, my mother's boyfriend sent me pictures of my mom sucking him off. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was playing card games with some colleagues a won a hand. One mate said jokingly "your mother never loved you!", I replied jokingly "at least your mother loved me"... All of a sudden he punched in the face and said, "don't ever disrespect my mother again". FML

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By ronz

Today, I sneaked off work early. As I was in the elevator on the way down to leave, it stopped at my boss's floor, and he got in. FML

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By Agirl - United States - El Cerrito

Today, my mom called me an asshole. She was embarrassed when she saw that a visiting family member had overheard, and tried to cover it up with, "Honey, you are a casserole! You are just delicious, any guy is gonna want you sweetie!" She honestly thought this would work. FML

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By - United States

My electric toothbrush

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

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By Zapped - United States

Today, I learned that, since getting my tongue ring, it has become imprudent to test 9-volt batteries with my tongue. FML

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By OfCourse - United States

Today, I learned my 40 year old father is marrying a girl barely a year and a half older than me. She told me not to be afraid to call her mom. I was torn between punching her in the face and vomiting. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2021 23:01

I hate the be the bearer of bad news…

Today, I texted my sister to ask her if she was OK after finding out that one of her oldest friends had died. She didn’t know. FML

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By roadrage - Australia

Today, I missed my University entrance exam because of heavy traffic. I was stuck at one intersection for over an hour. The real kicker? It took me less than 10 minutes to drive home. FML

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By Sleepy - United Kingdom - Hayes

Today, I fell asleep at my desk. It's bad enough that it was for 45 minutes and that I was snoring. What makes it worse? My boss woke me up. FML

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By Gentleman - United States

Today, I was very sick with a stomach virus, so I went to the only doctor's office open on Sundays. Even though I was feeling like a pile of shit, I waited for a woman who was walking in behind me to hold the door open for her. She was the last patient they could take for the day. FML

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By monkey - United States - Logan

Today, my daughter told me she is pregnant. The father is the foreign exchange student who just moved back to Germany. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to take a break. At least she gave me a parting gift. Lice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I got a graphing calculator and my period. FML

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By Lucachoo

Today, my boyfriend presented me with a 30-minute montage video of him working out and flexing his muscles as my anniversary gift. FML

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By christinabear - United States

Today, I was woken up to my mom playing the piano awfully. I screamed down the stairs "you suck, stop playing!" Turns out it was my 5 year old cousin playing a recital. For my entire family. FML

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By James C - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

Today, I was on a first date. She asked what I do, so I replied "I create adverts." She then yelled, "F**k you" and left. FML

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By TheDeathguard

Today, a couple yelled at me and reported me to the homeowner association for "watching them make out" at the pool. I'm the lifeguard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my friend when I saw my boyfriend in Victoria's Secret - with another girl. They were joking and laughing, and I was really pissed off. So I stormed into the store and slapped him. He looked up at me with an angry and confused expression. It wasn't my boyfriend. FML

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Top comments

By Kulawend | 0

#3115 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 23:36

I think it's pretty messed up they didn't try and give you the heimlich or something...

By cookieinc | 0

#29437 - Friday 13 March 2009 5:52

hey who cares wut ur bosses thought
breathing is much more important

COMMENTS

By Kulawend | 0

#3115 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 23:36

I think it's pretty messed up they didn't try and give you the heimlich or something...

Reply

Carlie_McCartney | 1

#1655581 - Saturday 6 November 2010 2:34

I agree...why would he do absolutely nothing?

FYL, OP!

By cookieinc | 0

#29437 - Friday 13 March 2009 5:52

hey who cares wut ur bosses thought
breathing is much more important

Reply

Sunbolt | 0

#817363 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 2:49

I agree

By fyour_own_life | 0

#34848 - Monday 16 March 2009 17:37

I can teach you to chew cock better. Bit of a cocksucker myself. ;)

Reply

Sessee | 4

#1280634 - Saturday 21 August 2010 18:10

Oh, are you saying that a vegetarian never choked on something?

I hate vegetarians like you. If someone wants to eat meat, let them. It's none of your business.

Reply

thtsuxs | 0

#2519806 - Monday 16 May 2011 21:21

go choke on a salad

Reply

8WeAreYoung8 | 4

#4314171 - Monday 16 April 2012 23:45

it's way easier to choke on a carrot than to choke on a piece of meat.

Reply

Coalke | 5

#5066936 - Monday 22 October 2012 5:22

Fuck off!

Reply

TigranPet | 24

#6610818 - Friday 20 May 2016 20:21

You have no filter do you?

By abcdefg11233 | 0

#154297 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 20:06

and they didn't try to help you??

By pikachu_01 | 0

#208197 - Monday 18 May 2009 7:46

#3 that's so retarded

By coldplaylive2003 | 0

#284885 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 2:26

I agree with #3

By FYLkid | 0

#302717 - Sunday 14 June 2009 4:05

Agreed with #3

Vegetarians = win

Don't eat gods creations

Reply

Dante1337 | 0

#1042052 - Friday 25 June 2010 1:04

dude. god made plants too, u dumb crap

Reply

klockworkz | 3

#3043723 - Friday 5 August 2011 10:43

25- agreed

By Sluip | 0

#338590 - Thursday 25 June 2009 4:33

God created grass too, you donkey.

Reply

kittengrl39 | 0

#400212 - Thursday 16 July 2009 3:15

Win.

Reply

ilovechocochipz | 0

#948518 - Monday 15 March 2010 4:41

haha thats an lol reply

Reply

asher888 | 11

#1029858 - Monday 14 June 2010 2:10

damn right that's a win

By Guitarist45 | 0

#421245 - Thursday 23 July 2009 7:50

and no one helped you? FYL. and #7, plants are alive too. if no one ate gods creations, there would be no life forms witin the year. thinking fail.

By katied4224 | 0

#430003 - Sunday 26 July 2009 11:55

Excuse yourself to the bathroom next time.

Reply

Musiclove4848 | 6

#5835044 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 7:13

I think they were a little preoccupied by CHOKING!