Love: Great surprise - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 95

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 327

You deserved it 56

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 413

You deserved it 27

Great surprise

By Deployed - 07/12/2019 14:00

Today, I came home from an eight month deployment to find my wife four months into her pregnancy. She actually thinks that I believe it's mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 591

You deserved it 175

Stop talking!

Own it

Postman Pat

03/11/2011 16:13

Today, I gave my boss a nick name. Everyone thought it was funny. Unfortunately "The Troll" was behind me and heard everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 553

You deserved it 44 978

08/04/2016 21:01

Spicy

Today, I asked a customer for a number we could call her at to let her know when we'd finished fixing her PC. I'm so desperately lonely that when she wrote it down for me, I got a raging boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 368

You deserved it 5 458

20/09/2013 20:31

Today, I offered to help out at my grandpa's farm, and he had me load buckets of water into his trunk. When he came by and saw me struggling to lift a bucket, he sneered, called me a moron for filling it up before putting it in the truck, and told me to just go home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 967

You deserved it 12 346

08/12/2016 17:23

Today, my car got stuck in a foot of snow. I tried desperately digging around my wheels to see if it would help. I was finally able to get out 10 minutes later only to realize that I had dropped my phone in the snow while I was digging and had run over it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 786

You deserved it 1 008

16/09/2012 15:32

Spicy

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. Yesterday, I finally came to my senses and started using birth control. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 773

You deserved it 59 290

17/05/2016 03:26

Today, I saw a man help an elderly lady with her tray at the local McDonald's. I wanted to do something nice for him, so I added a couple extra nuggets in his meal. He later came up to me and told me I was dumb and didn't know how to count, and that was why I was working at McDonald's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 518

You deserved it 1 404

15/01/2011 07:09

Spicy

Today, I came to the conclusion that you should always tell the truth. While I was busy reassuring her that the condom didn't break, she was telling me how it was okay because she was on the pill. According to the pregnancy test, we both lied. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 722

You deserved it 53 392

02/06/2012 12:47

Today, when I was ordering pizza, I got a text from my mom saying "I love you". When the man thanked me I accidentally said, "I love you too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 708

You deserved it 5 437

20/11/2018 17:35

Today, my best friend and my ex-boyfriend went on a business trip, got drunk, and ended up sleeping together. Now they want to start dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 786

You deserved it 314

07/03/2009 07:01

Today, my name was called during an assembly because I won some sort of prize. Everyone booed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 379

You deserved it 6 743

18/10/2012 14:41

Today, an exterminator sprayed for cockroaches in my dorm room. After classes I got back to find three large cockroaches on top of my bed. Now that the exterminator has sprayed everything, all the cockroaches are coming out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 286

You deserved it 1 904

Where is everyone?

By Anonymous - 04/12/2019 20:00

Today, I tried to have a game night at my house. Suggesting a popular card game that everyone plays, snacks, and BYOB. No one showed or even said they weren't coming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 213

You deserved it 168

21/01/2012 22:38

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were hugging in the hall after school. This annoying kid I know walked by, and yelled, "Tiny penis!" at me. My girlfriend responded, "Yep." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 268

You deserved it 5 012

22/08/2019 02:00

Today, I learned something new. I knew that ripening apples release some kind of gas that affects other fruit. But I learned that apparently, it can also affect living plants. Meaning that if you keep a windfall of apples in the same room as a potted rose, the rose will die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 300

You deserved it 219

27/12/2013 06:40

Today, the only conversation I had with my mother where she didn't explode into a hissy fit was about peanut butter vs. almond butter. And even then she was starting to get mad at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 937

You deserved it 3 495

09/11/2009 09:12

Today, I went to a petting zoo to take pictures. I look down to see a goat chewing the sleeve of my new sweater, so as I reached down to get it loose, it started eating my hair. People took pictures of me wrestling the goat before they helped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 994

You deserved it 3 789

30/06/2014 05:02

Today, I donated to a charity website. My card was repeatedly refused by the website but when I went on my account, I was charged for each time I tried. I was scammed by a charity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 505

You deserved it 8 823

17/03/2009 05:06

Spicy

Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying "U got fingers, use them, im going to bed xoxo". FML

I agree, your life sucks 151 672

You deserved it 40 539

30/09/2012 12:56

Today, I had three things stolen: my phone, my iPod, and my girlfriend. All by the same guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 100

You deserved it 2 899

Flashdance

By Muhd Hazrie - 27/07/2021 02:01

Today, I was working as a security guard in a office building. It was 5 p.m. and most of the staff had gone home so it was pretty quiet. I did a little ballet dance around my security post. When I turned around, I saw my supervisor taking a video of me. He sent it to my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 768

You deserved it 373

25/04/2009 09:09

Today, I was doing a fitness test. Though clumsy, I managed to spin around a bat then dash across a balance beam, run through some tires, and walk across a log floating in water. Pleased with my performance, I walked to the bathroom, tripped on my shoelace, and bust my head on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 475

You deserved it 5 460

19/02/2016 19:00

Today, my mom tried to convince me to throw out my insulin shots because she read a chain email that claimed they "cause cancer". FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 861

You deserved it 1 195

Enjoy yourself

By Anonymous - 17/05/2021 14:01

Today, I woke up after a 16-hour shift, and my back is out. I worked it in order to "enjoy" my 2 days off. I can barely move. FML

I agree, your life sucks 840

You deserved it 79

03/10/2011 04:38

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me for the first time. He stopped just as I was about to orgasm, and asked if I could finish by myself. Apparently he'd come up with a new algorithm for the Rubik's Cube on my desk and wanted to try it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 327

You deserved it 4 633

19/04/2017 00:00

Today my best friend called me at 6 a.m., ranting and accusing me of sleeping with her husband. I live two hours away and haven't seen him in person in over six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 362

You deserved it 319

26/11/2018 21:00

Today, after looking for my phone for three weeks, I used find my iPhone to track it to my sister-in-law's house. Her response? "Finders keepers, losers weepers." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 845

You deserved it 254

Losing more than I'll ever have

By Into the darkness - 30/03/2021 21:30

Today, my girlfriend left me. When she moved out, she even took the light bulbs with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 903

You deserved it 89

Drunken lout

By whippingpost - 08/03/2020 04:56

Today, I learned a co-worker called and awoke my boss at 3 a.m. to complain that I'd been "rude" to him. All I'd done was make a disapproving face because he'd been drinking and he was slobbering drunk, and wanted to charge his purchase to his employee account, a definite no-no when not on the clock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 488

You deserved it 109

09/04/2009 06:40

Today, I went into a small coffee shop. In line, a guy came up to me and was like "I haven't seen you here before, are you new in town?" and I replied with "Oh, no I've lived here for years. The coffee here is crap, though, so I only come here when Starbucks is full" He's the owner of the shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 282

You deserved it 76 562

25/09/2012 21:28

Today, my estranged mother texted me saying, "Gran died, LOL." My grandmother and I were fairly close, so I was shocked and disgusted. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and asked if she knew what "LOL" meant. She did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 786

You deserved it 1 933

28/07/2010 05:48

Today, it's my 20th birthday! Happy birthday to me! My boyfriend threw a beer can through my back wind-shield after breaking up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 713

You deserved it 4 576

01/10/2011 23:30

Spicy

Today, I tried to have sex with my boyfriend three times, but every time he insisted that he wasn't in the mood. I left to get food and when I came home he was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 381

You deserved it 5 683

13/10/2011 07:27

Today, I was driving when I saw someone pulled over on the side of the road. Wanting to help, I pulled over. In so doing, I ran over a nail, which popped my tire. The guy had just pulled over to pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 034

You deserved it 6 374

04/04/2009 04:34

Today, I went to the doctor because my arm hurt. When he told me I had tennis elbow I said "that's funny I don't play tennis". Then he asked me if I had a girlfriend. When I said no he said "Well I guess we solved this one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 655

You deserved it 20 831

24/12/2012 18:06

Spicy

Today, I gave my husband an early Christmas present: Santa-themed lingerie. He got angry and called me selfish, for "using" him as an excuse to get myself nice stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 288

You deserved it 13 800

03/12/2010 21:18

Today, a guy I've liked for a while asked if he could talk to me during break. He'd never done that before, so I was excited and said yes. As soon as we both sat down, he asked if I'd help him get a date with my best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 518

You deserved it 3 280

14/08/2019 17:00

Today, in a fit of jealousy, my 10 year-old unplugged my freezer and lifted the lid before bed. It’s over 80°F in my garage. Now, my entire supply of breast milk is destroyed. Not only do I not have enough stored to feed my own baby, I was also donating to local hospitals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 273

You deserved it 249

18/11/2011 13:30

Today, I was practicing my lines for theater class in the hall. My partner and I chose a script where we argue over me stealing her boyfriend. Since it started to sound like a real argument, another student said that I was a "crazy bitch" and punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 914

You deserved it 4 381

Nice guy

By LucklessNiceGuy - 05/12/2011 07:22

Spicy

Today, I was fired from my job on account of "sexual harassment" toward female employees. The harassment? Jokingly offering them foot massages when they were complaining about how their feet ached after a long shift, and complimenting them about their appearance when they felt down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 446

You deserved it 43 690

18/06/2010 05:42

Today, I learned that you should never, ever, under any circumstance, take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 444

You deserved it 56 985

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Saturday 7 December 2019 15:23

Dude. That sucks. Sorry. But at least there is no question if it is yours. Now you can start the paperwork and let her and the other guy deal with it.

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Saturday 7 December 2019 18:38

I'm sorry to hear that... Pretty solid divorce case though. On another note, thank you for your service.

Comments

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Saturday 7 December 2019 15:23

Dude. That sucks. Sorry. But at least there is no question if it is yours. Now you can start the paperwork and let her and the other guy deal with it.

guiltyschuldig49 12

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Saturday 7 December 2019 16:19

I don’t know how some of these women can think they can pull the wool over their husbands eyes? Like, they can do math.

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Saturday 7 December 2019 18:38

I'm sorry to hear that... Pretty solid divorce case though. On another note, thank you for your service.

J15237 25

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Saturday 7 December 2019 20:24

That is a tricky situation man. Obviously the trust is damaged to the highest extent, but do you still want to remain married? Personally if my wife cheated I would leave her for doing so. This is complicated because she is pregnant in your case. However, you have to wonder how often this has happened. Especially since she allowed herself to get pregnant.

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Wednesday 11 December 2019 3:14

It's not very complicated if she's pregnant with another guys kid.

Graham Capstick 2

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Sunday 8 December 2019 10:11

Have you a identical twin weight n see if so that could get real interesting lol

Loz88 3

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Sunday 8 December 2019 14:18

Just out of curiosity you never had any time off to visit home in that 8 months? Coz one time on a visit home is all it takes unless you were never together in the same place at any point in that 8 months

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Monday 9 December 2019 18:25

Depends on which branch of the service along with where and what the deployment was for. Deployments to the middle east, or those on ships, almost certainly will not have had a chance to visit home. And for so short a deployment (and yes, 8 months IS short), the chances of getting leave to go home for a few days is improbable no matter the other circumstances.

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Thursday 12 December 2019 6:37

He’s in San Diego, California. Most likely navy.

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Wednesday 18 December 2019 3:24

I assume he’s smart enough to remember visiting during his deployment.

mountainmetal983 6

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Thursday 12 December 2019 1:52

Bro I know your pain. Shit happened to me back in 2005. Go yo TJ and get a hooker than hit up papas and beer.