Weird, Roommate, Awkward and Miscellaneous: Got away with it, surely?

Got away with it, surely?

By Cinnanyan - 02/06/2016 10:20 - Philippines - Quezon City

Today, due to me not looking, I accidentally bit an apple made of styrofoam that was meant to be a part of a display on the kitchen table. My roommates were there and me not wanting to embarrass myself by putting it back, I walked out, apple in hand, to throw it away elsewhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 690

You deserved it 2 556

Weird Roommate Awkward Miscellaneous

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Your cooking, dude

Health hazard

By Anonymous - 01/11/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, driving home, my girlfriend and I decided we were finally going to have sex. We got in the backseat, then I opened my condom to find it was already broken. We ended up playing connect four instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 630

You deserved it 5 638

By Username - 05/08/2011 14:05 - United States

Today, a fight broke out in a bar between several people, over some talk about one of their moms being somewhat inclined towards intercourse with her pets. I managed to slip out quietly with just a scratch from flying chair debris, despite having started the rumor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 213

You deserved it 69 438

By sendhelp - 30/04/2017 16:00

Today, my mom asked me to take my dad's mail to him. The "mail" was divorce papers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 420

You deserved it 315

By Mom2boysonly - 15/06/2018 20:30

Today, the AC broke in the car I bought brand new last August. My 3.5-year-old hates wind, even from the sunroof being open, and there's no fix for the "manufacturing defect" so far. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 122

You deserved it 363

By Anonymous - 26/09/2010 03:00 - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom stall when a man made eye-contact with me through the cracks. I quickly looked away, and about a minute later I looked back to see if he was gone. He was still there and was actually trying to keep making eye-contact with me while I pooped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 642

You deserved it 2 905

By MalariaFree - 14/06/2009 11:08 - Uganda

Today, I went to a hospital in Uganda, where I'm working with an NGO for the summer. I had a high fever and other symptoms of malaria. They gave me a test, and I don't have malaria. I am now however sick from the water they gave me to wash down a medication to reduce fever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 815

You deserved it 3 315

Oh nooooo

By Fucked. - 26/04/2021 07:59

Today, my supervisor at work is now my father-in-law. My girlfriend told me that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 740

You deserved it 155

By Why me. - 20/10/2018 11:30 - United States - Kent

Today, I emailed my boss to let her know I was uncomfortable working over what my university’s 28-hour policy allows. She demanded I work 40 hours this week. In any other job, I'd be fine, but if I work over 28 hours, the university will fire me. If I refuse to work 28 hours, my boss will fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 578

You deserved it 223

By Anonymous - 28/02/2013 22:33 - United Kingdom - Newtownards

Today, I fell down a flight of stairs at college. I was taken to hospital with a fractured ankle and had to call my parents to drive me home. They constantly made passive-aggressive remarks on the way home, because I'd "totally ruined" their plans to eat out at a fancy restaurant tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 667

You deserved it 3 654

By Murphy’s Christmas - 13/12/2018 13:30

Today my husband blew a tire in a hidden pothole on the way to work. I picked him up in my car later that day, only to hit an entirely different pothole, bending my rim and catapulting my hubcap into the woods. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 581

You deserved it 175

By Allycat - 09/10/2013 01:19 - United States - Ronkonkoma

Today, I was working a kid's birthday party dressed as a clown. The child's mother made me change because he was scared of clowns. The only thing I had in my car was a princess costume that was owned by a girl co-worker. So for 4 hours I had to entertain in a tight pink dress. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 083

You deserved it 5 095

By arctic1 - 27/05/2009 09:45 - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend were heading back to her place. On the way there, she was rubbing and stroking me. When we got there, I asked her mom for a congrats hug. I forgot I had a hard on from my girlfriend. She felt it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 276

You deserved it 68 474

Mood: broken

By talkingtoaretard - 25/01/2012 05:00 - United States

Today, I was talking dirty with someone on the phone, when at one point I said, "Oh yeah, you like that?" She responded, "I can't actually feel anything you know, we're just on the phone." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 962

You deserved it 35 874

By cheated - 17/09/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, my daughter-in-law revealed to me that she caught my husband having an affair with her best friend. This was five years ago, and she is only telling me now because he stopped paying her the blackmail money to keep her mouth shut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 496

You deserved it 2 775

By Anonymous - 21/06/2014 15:15 - United States - Boulder

Today, I heard my husband say from outside, "Seriously Dan, what could go wrong?" This was followed a few seconds later by a bang and screaming. Turns out he'd tried to smash his head through a wooden plank like a martial artist and failed. He ended up with splinters and a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 842

You deserved it 5 266

By Anonymous - 24/02/2017 03:00 - Finland

Today, my sad ass got walked in on by a relative while I was having an imaginary conversation, with an imaginary friend, and I was talking out loud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 069

You deserved it 2 247

BIKES!

By Anonymous - 22/06/2021 08:01

Today, I’m doing the 5 km bike ride to the grocery store. As always, I'm well equipped: Shopping bags, shopping list, pen, sunglasses, hat, sunscreen, raincoat, tampons, tissues, lip balm, water bottle… Anything I forgot? Aaah, yes. Money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 833

You deserved it 239

By baconbreath=| - 13/11/2010 05:12 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I had a picnic on the beach. It was so romantic and perfect. He leant forward to kiss me. Once we had kissed he said, "We haven't even started eating yet", and passed me a mint. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 011

You deserved it 9 583

Dick

By Olivia23 - 08/07/2021 11:00

Today, my husband threw an epic temper tantrum because I wouldn’t have sex with him. I recently suffered from a miscarriage and the thought of anything going on down there makes me uncomfortable. He eventually calmed down and said, "Fine, just don’t be surprised if I end up cheating." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 852

You deserved it 182

Early show

By Anonymous - 26/01/2020 20:00

Today, I was at work, working on a new play. In the final dress rehearsal, I heard some of the crew laughing so I looked down at the very revealing costume to see that my left testicle was hanging out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 442

You deserved it 491

By terpity12 - 07/08/2009 19:39 - United States

Today, I rescheduled my doctor's appointment for a tetanus shot to go camping with my friends. While running on a path at the camp site, I stepped on a rusty nail that went right through my shoe and into my foot. Maybe I should have kept my appointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 336

You deserved it 24 316

Major annoyance

By E.B. - 27/06/2014 00:07 - United States - Grenada

Today, I'm a college student working at Dollar Tree. The signs hanging every 10 ft, plastered on every box, every wall, every corner, say "Everything's $1." Someone asked me how much something was, because there was no price tag. This happens multiple times a day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 902

You deserved it 4 855

By analinguist - 20/02/2010 19:04 - United States

Today, while playing Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, my phone rang, and I instinctively tried to pick it up with the Force. I kept trying until it stopped ringing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 905

You deserved it 45 792

Where there's a will…

By Anonymous - 09/02/2021 05:01

Today, as a final effort to get me to lose weight, my recently deceased father left me $25,000 on his will, which is only to be released to me once I weigh 150 pounds. No exceptions. I'm about to lose my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 997

You deserved it 445

By Anonymous - 15/08/2014 21:35 - United States - Green Lane

Today, my boss threw out the report I wrote for the board of directors. He said that if it were legal, he'd smash me in the balls with a brick for using Comic Sans. I had to do the whole thing again in another font with my coworkers snickering at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 896

You deserved it 56 373

Hey, it's the Christmas card dude!

By doglove - 23/03/2020 04:43

Today, I was looking through old childhood pictures for my father's funeral and I found one of our old Christmas cards. I looked at it and noticed in the background our two dogs enjoying very spirited sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 265

You deserved it 182

By Lady - 11/01/2010 00:21 - United States

Today, I had to clean my house to hide the evidence of the party I threw last night. I attempted to clean the puke stain on my carpet while still drunk. I didn't realize until this morning that the All Purpose cleaner I used was actually All Purpose Adhesive. The evidence is now glued to my carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 268

You deserved it 44 237

By Anonymous - 20/08/2017 20:00

Today, I was told to put away the new toilet paper rolls. I reached in the package only for my hand to get wet, and then noticed the yellow liquid at the bottom. My cat used it as a litter box. At least, I hope it was my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 412

You deserved it 374

By kwill256 - 15/09/2016 10:21 - Australia

Today, I had an argument with my partner, which resulted in us breaking up and me leaving. I drove for half an hour before I realised I had left my handbag, purse and licence at his place. I had to go ask for it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 223

You deserved it 3 013

By MM - 02/02/2012 14:50

Today, I had to give my husband a tutorial on how to use jumper cables. Confused and flustered, he requested written instructions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 124

You deserved it 3 643

Live from the chopper

By cpiro - 27/05/2020 05:00

Today, my friend borrowed my car and decided to get pulled over after a high speed chase. My car got towed in a town over 100 miles away. Choose your friends wisely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 455

You deserved it 307

Yeet it

By Anonymous - 22/05/2020 05:00

Today, I found out that even though my girlfriend is on the pill, and even though my girlfriend took emergency contraception, she became pregnant days after the first time we had sex without a condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 276

You deserved it 1 061

By Anonymous - 18/06/2011 15:43 - United States

Today, I went to the movies with my friend and two pretty girls. During the movie, he made out with both of them, while I sat there awkwardly and watched the movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 127

You deserved it 5 875

By Anonymous - 26/09/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, my sister bought my five year old son a giant ant farm for his birthday. We set it in the living room on a table. I went into the kitchen for a minute, and when I walked back in to the living room, my son was holding the empty case over his head, smiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 067

You deserved it 7 936

By Lou Czar - 07/01/2009 23:56 - United States

Today, I signed up on one of those "cheater" dating sites. I ended up meeting my own girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 753

You deserved it 81 119

By iJuli - 08/04/2012 05:17 - United States - Billings

Today, my boyfriend thought it'd be a good idea to break up with me in his car. I had to walk home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 322

You deserved it 2 662

Pay up

By bh2000 - 29/05/2020 17:00

Today, I'd purchased a ticket for the train on my mobile app. Some idiot pushed past me on his way out and in the process makes me drop my phone, ruining it. A conductor then came to check my ticket and I got fined 150 dollars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 637

You deserved it 145

By PissOffPottermore - 13/09/2012 14:31 - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I was called into my son's school because he had got into a fist-fight with another pupil and I had to take him home. He clammed up about the reason behind the fight, until I finally managed to coax it out of him: the other kid is in "Hufflepuff" and he's in "Ravenclaw." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 121

You deserved it 4 485

By hulagirl1217 - 29/05/2010 12:11 - United States

Today, a bee landed on my leg. I didn't realize it was there until my friend yelled out, "Bee!" kicked me in the leg, and ran off. I fell to the ground screaming and clutching my leg. She missed the bee and it still stung me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 519

You deserved it 2 921

Come on man, make an effort

By reallymom - 17/05/2021 19:01 - United States - Houston

Today, it's been over a month since my mom has answered my calls or texts. Why? Because I didn't write an elaborate post on her Facebook for her birthday like my sister did. I only called and messaged with her all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 920

You deserved it 64

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Top comments

StormfrontX33_fml 24

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Thursday 2 June 2016 17:35

Looks like you're going to styrofoam hell.

JustHereToSayYDI 11

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Thursday 2 June 2016 17:47

As someone who is prone to falling, bumping into things, forgetting to open my mouth when I'm drying to drink and other embarrassing things, I have some advice. Just be the first to laugh at yourself. Be self deprecating and people will not make fun of you! A friend actually told me how well I handled those kind of things recently. So really trust me when I say you don't have to pretend nothing happened. Laugh and everything will be fine!

jonny201 11

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Thursday 2 June 2016 17:28

YDI for not paying attention

jentrynicole 20

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Thursday 2 June 2016 17:34

I think your roommates are going to notice your kitchen decoration missing.

StormfrontX33_fml 24

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Thursday 2 June 2016 17:35

Looks like you're going to styrofoam hell.

Cinnanyan 9

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Thursday 2 June 2016 17:37

Hello! It is I, the OP. Honestly, I don't even care that I was an absent-minded idiot. I'm just so happy my FML got posted. Next time I'll be sure to check first if it's a real apple before biting into it!

JustHereToSayYDI 11

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Thursday 2 June 2016 17:47

Welshite 39

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Thursday 2 June 2016 18:00

#6: Your name is a lie!

RabbitOfAurora 28

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Thursday 2 June 2016 17:42

Wouldn't you feel the weight and texture difference though??????

whysobeachy 37

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Thursday 2 June 2016 18:22

Oh boy, that's a whole lot of question marks.

meltingturtle 24

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Thursday 2 June 2016 18:30

A lot of styrofoam fruits/decorations like that have a weight of some kind in them so they won't get knocked off the table or be as light as plain styrofoam.