Family matters - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 97

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 412

You deserved it 66

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 468

You deserved it 34

Family matters

By Anonymous - 03/10/2020 16:56

Today, I was told by step-dad, who I live with, that my mom "hates my guts" while smiling so big, because he got a call from her. He's so desperate for her to come back that all the lying, cheating, manipulation, and emotional abuse doesn't push him away. She's a tornado. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 130

You deserved it 73

And today, on Dr Phil…

Dysfunctional

Fake it til you make it

05/10/2011 04:16

Today, I went to the movies on a date. I went to pay for the tickets when I realized that I didn't have my wallet. Instead of my boyfriend paying, he laughed and paid for his own ticket. Then he went ahead and saw the movie without me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 245

You deserved it 7 513

14/12/2013 07:24

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He seemed thrilled, and went to buy some wine to celebrate. He left 11 hours ago and won't come back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 353

You deserved it 7 965

24/11/2012 13:59

Today, I was playing with my four year old cousin. He had a toy whale and said, "Shark!" I corrected him and told him it was a whale. He picked it up, threw it at my face, and yelled, "SHAAARK!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 406

You deserved it 7 832

25/06/2011 12:58

Today, my mother won't give me any painkillers for my migraine. She believes that "When medicine goes into your stomach, the acids stop the medicine from working" and that "It's all in people's heads when medicine works". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 402

You deserved it 3 105

11/11/2018 05:00

Today, my ex-wife, who I have a 1000-yard restraining order against since she threatened my new wife and our kids, moved into a house down the street. The police say they can't do anything because her house is more than 1000 yards from mine. It's 1012 yards away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 553

You deserved it 207

23/02/2009 08:08

Today, I drove to a party after getting my car back from the shop. A thunderstorm started as I made my way there and upon arriving, the power went out. The guests decided to watch the storm from the front windows when someone mentioned how funny it would be if a tree fell on my car. Seconds later, one did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 216

You deserved it 3 512

10/12/2009 05:24

Today, at work, I went to fold a pair of pants that was left in a changing room to find out that someone had taken a dump in them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 552

You deserved it 2 607

24/01/2010 05:01

Today, I got a call from the girl I'd really like to date to meet up for drinks. Excited, I walked out my front door, slipped on a patch of ice, and dislocated my shoulder. She won't go out on a date with me now because I "ditched her". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 647

You deserved it 2 839

03/09/2018 20:30

Today, my wife took me to Taco Bell for the first time. I said, "Isn't this where all those FMLs happen to people?" She said, "You'll be fine." I am writing this from the toilet. I am not fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 754

You deserved it 416

It's just me

By Anonymous - 20/02/2020 01:00

Today, I stopped by my elderly mother’s house to drop off some groceries. I decided to clean the place while I was there, just to be nice. In true Three Bears fashion, I fell asleep on the couch. I was awoken by a police officer pointing his gun at me. My mom woke up and thought I was a burglar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 015

You deserved it 305

31/01/2019 22:00

Today, my wife was sitting next to me surrounded by friends and she decided to start looking up the man that she had an affair on Facebook on her phone - all while I am sitting right next to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 491

You deserved it 257

05/06/2009 05:25

Today, I was babysitting. I was sitting on the sofa when I felt that I need to ajust my sitting arangment. After moving, I felt a small toy snap under me. The little boy said it was fine. One hour later he snuck up on me and beat me with an umbrella for breaking his toy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 622

You deserved it 11 708

19/12/2011 20:57

Today, it was my first day working as a nightclub bartender. All through the evening, a really creepy bloke stood in a dark corner and leered at the girls on the dance floor. When I took the bouncer to one side to let him know, he told me the man was a coat stand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 840

You deserved it 33 448

05/12/2010 00:39

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend confessed his desire to have sex while I'm on my period. He calls it "bloody victory." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 223

You deserved it 5 887

08/08/2014 04:27

Today, my husband jolted in bed and while still half-asleep said, "I had a nightmare; I dreamt we had a kid." I'm 8 months pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 817

You deserved it 4 056

02/12/2016 06:55

Today, my boyfriend told me, with complete confidence, that he's selected "drug dealer" as his career of choice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 057

You deserved it 1 108

07/11/2014 06:53

Today, I got demonic gastric distress while taking my final college exam. I only got about 50% of it done, left the classroom 50% faster, and experienced both 50% dread and 50% relief. Now I have to repeat 50% of the class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 503

You deserved it 4 190

09/07/2019 16:05

Today, I wanted to top up my shower gel dispenser. After carefully squeezing the entire tube into the dispenser, I realized why it looked so white: I'd mixed the remaining shower gel with the entire tube of fancy, expensive, organic body lotion that my grandma had given me for Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 695

You deserved it 1 642

05/02/2013 22:59

Today, I found out my boyfriend sleeps on a Princess Leia pillow. He's 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 694

You deserved it 9 106

05/09/2015 05:56

Today, my psycho cat stood on my toilet seat and challenged me to a stand-off. After 10 minutes, I couldn't hold it in any more and asked to use my neighbor's bathroom instead. I told him my toilet was broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 896

You deserved it 9 957

It's a doggy dog world

By Anonymous - 31/10/2019 02:00

Today, I was bathing my dog at a self-serve dog wash at a pet store. The person next to me decided to express his dog's anal glands, and the vile, greasy, fish-smelling liquid hit me on the side of my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 197

You deserved it 141

29/06/2013 21:49

Today, I overheard my dad telling my mum that the only way I'm ever going to get into a relationship is if I "pose as a woman and con some gullible bastard online." He's probably right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 536

You deserved it 4 962

30/08/2013 22:56

Today, I took my girlfriend home to meet my parents. They thought it'd be hilarious to put on ridiculous accents and act like country hicks, spewing obscenities and strongly hinting that we're into incest. She soon left in disgust. I haven't heard back from her since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 502

You deserved it 6 302

01/08/2010 04:10

Today, my dad brought me home after I was in the hospital for a week. He gets me to my room, hands me a glass of water and some granola bars, then leaves me on my own so he can go play golf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 684

You deserved it 4 037

08/03/2018 06:00

Today I left my 8-week-old with my brother so I could return to work. His wife took all the breast milk I'd packed out of the fridge and poured it out. According to her, it was “gross” and she didn’t want it near her food. My son is allergic to formula. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 832

You deserved it 302

17/04/2014 10:37

Today, I'm 25 years old, I've got an education and I only now found out in front of 15 people that, no, sparrows are not small pigeons that are going to grow up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 684

You deserved it 38 381

Relax

By Anonymoosey - 19/02/2012 23:47

Spicy

Today, I found out that my favorite song since I was a small child is actually about anal sex and delaying an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 167

You deserved it 5 284

12/05/2009 03:13

Today, I installed high performance brakes on my car after fearing that my old brake system was to weak and I could get into a crash. On the test drive a car in front of me stopped short. My new brakes worked, the ones on the car behind me didn't. I now have whiplash and a totalled car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 402

You deserved it 3 506

07/01/2010 14:43

Today, I was going to the bathroom. As I was about to wipe, I noticed that the toilet paper had butterflies printed on it. Never before had I felt bad for wiping my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 259

You deserved it 29 816

30/06/2014 23:39

Today, I smacked my kid on top of the head for spinning the display rack while I was looking at greeting cards. It wasn't until he dramatically screamed and dropped to the floor wailing that I realized he wasn't my daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 511

You deserved it 48 036

25/10/2009 04:38

Today, I went on a date with a girl that I really like. I picked her up from her house, and as I was pulling out of her driveway, I hit her dad's BMW, knocking off the bumper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 919

You deserved it 29 852

02/12/2014 07:52

Today, while my boyfriend and I were talking with his sister-in-law about a TV show, his 6-year-old nephew walked up just in time to hear how Santa killed the protagonist's parents. I've never seen such a heartbroken face in my life, and now he won't stop asking if Santa kills people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 736

You deserved it 4 585

31/10/2011 19:11

Today, I woke up excited to go trick-or-treating, the treat being candy. Instead, my town has officially postponed Halloween due to blackouts. I guess this is where the trick comes in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 361

You deserved it 3 711

02/06/2009 15:33

Today, my new subletter moved in. Within 6 hours one of my cats took a dump on her pants. I freaked out, lit some candles to hide the smell and threw her pants in the washer. When the cycle was done I found her cell phone at the bottom of the washing machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 922

You deserved it 25 568

26/01/2009 15:51

Today, I met the girl who dumped me because the distance between us was too great. We're in the same city again. She's now dating a Marine in Iraq. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 040

You deserved it 2 797

17/04/2009 23:15

Today, my girlfriend left her phone on a bus. With no way to pick it up, I drove 40 miles through Friday night Boston traffic to get it from the bus company office. It took me four hours. Bored in traffic, I discovered the texts from her other boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87 362

You deserved it 5 005

01/07/2011 17:27

Today, a cop pulled me over and started bitching me out. He was certain I'd been drinking, because, "Nobody goes to Albertacos this late at night unless they're drunk." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 692

You deserved it 3 262

Suspense

By krray - 11/03/2017 22:00

Today, I was walking up the stairs with my lunch behind a heavy co-worker. His arms were full, and step by step, as we went up the stairs his pants dropped a little further. By the time we reached the top, his knickers were below his knees and it was a full moon. I prayed he wouldn't fart on my food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 921

You deserved it 689

13/05/2015 02:11

Today, after a big presentation, people sent an open invitation to dinner. When I asked which restaurant and what time, I was told that I wasn't invited. I've been here for three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 394

You deserved it 2 480

30/07/2012 06:59

Today, I went to a corner store to re-stock my chocolate stash. A guy from work walked in to see me and the cashier arguing about the amount of candy I was trying to buy with a jar of pennies. He took one look at me and said, "That time of the month, eh?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 663

You deserved it 26 939

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Charlie Given 24

Send a private message

Saturday 3 October 2020 17:19

So your mom is a narcissist and your stepfather may be suffering from PTSD from years of emotional abuse at the hands of his wife. He'll need therapy and you'll probably want it to.

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Saturday 3 October 2020 19:45

Looks like you've got zero role models for "adulting" and two cautionary tales.

Comments

Charlie Given 24

Send a private message

Saturday 3 October 2020 17:19

So your mom is a narcissist and your stepfather may be suffering from PTSD from years of emotional abuse at the hands of his wife. He'll need therapy and you'll probably want it to.

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Saturday 3 October 2020 19:45

Looks like you've got zero role models for "adulting" and two cautionary tales.

DarkAngelsBlade 25

Send a private message

Saturday 3 October 2020 22:50

Wait wait your guts or his guts? Also HUGE CONFUSION I just HOPE you’re gunna be safe.