Fake News - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 97

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 455

You deserved it 71

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 494

You deserved it 37

Fake News

By Anonymous - 06/10/2020 23:01

Today, I’m not sure what to call it, but I think I just got COVID-SWATted when a bunch of police turned up to my house after someone told them I was partying with over 50 people, breaking social distancing. In a one-bed flat, with barely enough room for 3 people to sit down at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 288

You deserved it 80

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Hiding from the drama

Empathy lives

19/03/2010 10:05

Spicy

Today, I realized that my new boyfriend only showers about once every ten days, and to get him to shower more often I have to bribe him with oral sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 785

You deserved it 22 123

21/01/2012 14:22

Today, I went to get a nice, relaxing hot stone massage. Instead I got second degree burns on my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 614

You deserved it 3 990

07/01/2019 20:00

Today, I had the flu and couldn't go to school. My dad called in and told them that I couldn't be there because I have an itchy anus. Not only that, but my birthday's tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 491

You deserved it 202

Can't win

By confused - 12/06/2020 02:06

Spicy

Today, I was told by my wife that she was moving in with her mother, because I was causing her to have panic attacks. She said she still loves me and wants to be with me, but she needs a few months to herself. I have given her her way for most of our marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 481

You deserved it 275

19/12/2010 00:14

Today, trying to be romantic, I started giving my boyfriend a neck massage. He gave me a weirded-out look, removed my hand, called me creep, and wouldn't let me touch him for the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 079

You deserved it 4 709

Hot pixels

By Anonymous - 31/03/2021 16:59

Spicy

Today, after months of having my standards lowered by how unattractive guys' dating profiles are, I found myself masturbating to the yellow guy from Sin City. Yep. He's hot compared to my real options. FML

I agree, your life sucks 558

You deserved it 529

24/07/2014 21:54

Today, I woke up from a nap to find my little brother playing some games on my phone. A few hours later I come to find he had deleted all 500 pictures from my trip to Europe last month. He needed more space to download the games. Mom says he's too young to understand what he did wrong. He's 14. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 586

You deserved it 5 491

28/10/2011 20:59

Today, my dad asked if I'd help him clean the gutters. I was given the responsibility of holding the ladder while he went on the roof. All I heard was laughter before a year's worth of rotting vegetation landed on top of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 038

You deserved it 2 936

Catcaller on a bike!

By Anonymous - 04/04/2021 08:31

Spicy

Today, a man on a bike was so preoccupied with making lewd comments about another girl's behind that he drove straight into mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 967

You deserved it 73

02/02/2012 10:41

Today, I got an email from the local D and D meet up group that the next meeting will be on Feb. 14th. I don't know what is more sad: that the group is meeting on Valentine's Day, or that I have nothing better to do but go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 180

You deserved it 4 509

20/06/2011 19:21

Today, I went to the dentist to get a filling. Instead of giving me Novocaine, my dentist decided he was going to use a special new paste on me while he drilled. It didn't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 876

You deserved it 3 164

09/11/2014 04:06

Today, the last of my close friends announced she is pregnant. Meanwhile, I'm single and my nest is empty. Well, not exactly, because even my freaking cat is pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 459

You deserved it 4 969

05/12/2010 13:53

Today, I came home from work to find my five year old daughter drawing unicorns on the wall. The same wall that I had to repaint last week because it had puppies on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 598

You deserved it 11 050

21/08/2012 16:56

Today, after a few weeks of smuggling a baby caterpillar into work every day just to make sure it ate and stayed alive long enough to turn into a butterfly, it finally did. Before it could fly free, a bird turned it into a snack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 393

You deserved it 5 994

23/06/2013 17:26

Today, I took my cat to the vet. The creepy vet looked me in the eyes and said, "This isn't the only pussy I'll be checking out today." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 187

You deserved it 4 123

Gift of the gab

By Nicole - 13/12/2014 15:20

Spicy

Today, I finally told my boyfriend that he's not very good at dirty talk. He does it every time we have sex and it always turns me off. He started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 186

You deserved it 7 231

28/04/2014 13:35

Today, at work, I served a group of three teens. Their tab was $75 and they tipped me nothing. They wrote a thank you on a piece of receipt paper, put it in a glass of water and used a coaster to turn the glass of water upside down on the table, spilling water everywhere. They also stole my pen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 966

You deserved it 4 409

15/01/2012 06:24

Today, this girl I liked made her Facebook status "Nobody texts me anymore, message me numbers?" I commented that I texted her. She deleted it and changed it to "Nobody that I care about texts me anymore, message me numbers?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 874

You deserved it 3 958

07/06/2012 04:02

Spicy

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend in bed after a round of amazing sex. He decided it would be a great time to stick his finger up my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 679

You deserved it 5 036

Monster in my bathroom

By Thescarlettfox - 16/02/2020 01:00

Today, I saw a big, black spider on the floor of my bathroom. I promptly jumped up on the toilet seat, slipped off, and slammed my head against the wall. The best part? It was a tuft of my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 403

You deserved it 838

In the cold

By the dog won - 16/07/2020 14:01

Today, after being tired of my husband acting like I’m invisible, giving more attention and affection to the dog than to me, and me going to spend a few nights at my sister’s house, he texted me, "You coming home to make dinner or what?" on the second day. It's now day 4 and he hasn’t said anything else since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 789

You deserved it 235

23/12/2014 21:48

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend slept with my sister. "Accidentally", apparently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 450

You deserved it 3 875

25/07/2014 20:19

Today, I got expelled from school. I was walking down a flight of stairs when I tripped and bumped into a kid ahead of me by mistake. He fell forward and took half a dozen people down with him. The staff think I did it on purpose, and there's talk of charges being pressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 417

You deserved it 4 400

27/01/2012 06:54

Today, I found out that due to the fact that I got divorced, the insurance for my car is going up. A year after she took everything, she is still costing me money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 931

You deserved it 3 315

Wrong place, right time

By Anonymous - 14/09/2019 12:00

Today, a co-worker came back from his honeymoon. He passed by my office to say hi, and mentioned, "I heard you're getting married next year?" I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. He's taking his things out of the house as I write this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 675

You deserved it 151

15/04/2016 20:18

Today, I found out how acidic some of the chemicals I work with are. After a chemical shower, minor burns, and having to throw away my clothes due to a biohazard, I had the pleasure of running across the parking lot to my car, wearing only a lab coat around my waist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 358

You deserved it 2 305

Happy Anniversary!

By Anonymous - 29/06/2021 06:00

Today, it was my first anniversary with my husband. Not only were we mad at each other and not speaking the whole day, he doesn't even remember and spent the night out with his friends instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 786

You deserved it 256

28/04/2019 05:00

Today, I made plans with my boyfriend for some "alone time" after work. I then stepped on some black ice in the parking lot, landed on my head, and got sent to the ER. Per protocol, until cleared by a specialist, I am not permitted to work. Or drive. Or drink. Or do anything "strenuous". FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 980

You deserved it 207

18/06/2019 16:30

Today, my 2-year-old woke up from her nap with a full diaper, then decided to climb down from her bed and got stuck under the railing, leaving a stinky trail of poop everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 451

You deserved it 213

10/01/2017 14:30

Today, I was in the kitchen with my mother putting up the dishes. I went to stand up from putting a pot in a lower cabinet and hit my head on the upper cabinet she left open by accident. Hello concussion number nine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 697

You deserved it 940

25/12/2010 06:20

Today, while socializing after a church service, I discovered I'm still referred to as "Fireshit's brother", after an incident a year ago which involved my sister screaming "the devil is coming out of my anus!" from the lavatory. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 880

You deserved it 3 617

09/02/2011 09:30

Today, we had to evaluate each other in class. Apparently I'm a quarrelsome, uncommitted, commanding bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 492

You deserved it 35 297

08/02/2009 03:08

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

I agree, your life sucks 660 525

You deserved it 71 711

03/05/2009 17:46

Today, my soccer team got our warm up t-shirts that say "You can hit on us, but you can't score." After the game, a guy behind my friend asks, "Hey what does the front of your shirt say?" I replied for her, "You can hit on us." He looked at me and my friend and said, "No thanks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 090

You deserved it 11 442

13/09/2009 06:17

Today, my Marine friend got back from his tour of duty overseas. We went out for drinks to celebrate his return. His own form of celebration was to pick a fight with a returning Navy SEAL and his friends. We lost. Badly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 267

You deserved it 14 100

Unwelcome

By kaipodable - 06/10/2021 15:30

Today, my boyfriend told me that I can no longer sleep over at his house because his cat doesn't like it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 670

You deserved it 4 596

20/06/2014 23:03

Today, my doctor got my blood test results from the lab. He looked at me gravely and told me I had just weeks left to live. After I started hyperventilating and crying, he burst out laughing and said he was kidding. He then prescribed me some iron tablets and sent me on my way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 925

You deserved it 6 522

02/08/2009 12:45

Today, I discovered that I have developed an allergy to salt water on my face. Now, every time I sweat or cry, I come up in a bright red rash. I am allergic to my own bodily fluids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 723

You deserved it 3 590

29/08/2018 03:30

Today, I got absolutely hammered and noticed this familiar-looking chick. I walked up to her and said, "Oh my god, I know I know you but I don't know where from." Looking annoyed, she replied, "We've worked together for months." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 468

You deserved it 2 728

19/09/2009 21:36

Today, I saw a YouTube video of a guy scratching a knife and a screwdriver on his iPod, and at the end he showed how there were no scratches and the screen was still clean. I took my iPod touch and did the same with a knife. It didn't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 294

You deserved it 268 476

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Top comments

Marcella1016 31

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Wednesday 7 October 2020 4:10

You might even call it an acute case of being obtuse. Sorry I realize I don’t really fit in. I guess because I’m pretty square. And now I’m going off on a tangent. Let’s circle back on this tomorrow.

RichardPencil 30

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Tuesday 6 October 2020 23:51

Probably someone who wasn't invited to the party.

Comments

RichardPencil 30

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Tuesday 6 October 2020 23:08

Having 50 people in a one-bedroom "flat" is a super-spreader event! You shouldn't be doing that.

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Wednesday 7 October 2020 0:51

I believe he's saying that the very idea he had 50 people there is ridiculous as even 3 wouldn't fit.

RichardPencil 30

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Wednesday 7 October 2020 2:27

I'm being obtuse.

Marcella1016 31

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Wednesday 7 October 2020 4:10

You might even call it an acute case of being obtuse. Sorry I realize I don’t really fit in. I guess because I’m pretty square. And now I’m going off on a tangent. Let’s circle back on this tomorrow.

RichardPencil 30

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Wednesday 7 October 2020 5:08

You might be... ...wait on it... ...right. If you laughed at that, it's a sine you may be irrational.

Marcella1016 31

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Wednesday 7 October 2020 8:36

Hmm I guess I’ll cosine that statement... It was a little derivative but it seemed to add up.

RichardPencil 30

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Wednesday 7 October 2020 11:36

This punning is spiraling way more than normal -- I might end up in L'Hopital!

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Wednesday 7 October 2020 22:24

This whole story arc is a slippery slope.

raven_of_azarath 34

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Thursday 8 October 2020 3:20

I’m living for the these puns right now lmao

genuinegoodguy 9

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Tuesday 6 October 2020 23:35

So someone is stirring it. Do you know who?

RichardPencil 30

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Tuesday 6 October 2020 23:51

Probably someone who wasn't invited to the party.