Dog Box Fail

Today, I was cruising with a coworker and his friend, and I started getting tired. His friend offered me a caffeine pill. It wasn't caffeine. It was laxatives. FML

Clocked

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Workaholic

By Username - 30/4/2011 04:49 - United States

31019

7933

Today, my parents finally realized that I've been sneaking vodka when they weren't home. Note to self: don't let them freeze vodka that's actually 75% water. FML

By ccat209 - 20/12/2016 04:05 - United States - Riverton

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8886

Today, after applying for a job at a tanning salon, I was told they don't hire "naturally tan" people. I'm black. FML

By Anonymous - 21/1/2013 12:48 - United States - Baltimore

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4393

Today, I was bored at work, so I started browsing the Internet. While I was on my Facebook page, my boss tagged me in a status: "I've been standing behind you for ten minutes." FML

By notbrowsingnow - 8/5/2014 23:46 - United States

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Today, because my fiancé is criminally incompetent at budgeting, I'm now having to pay the first installment for my own wedding ring. FML

By almost broke - 21/2/2016 13:24 - Czech Republic - Brno

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Today, I was having a really vivid dream in which I had to take a penalty kick to win the World Cup for the USA. I took the kick, but in reality, I smashed my foot against my bedroom wall and broke four of my toes. I also missed the kick in my dream. FML

By owwwww - 19/7/2012 20:05 - United States - Piscataway

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Today, I found out that my wife is seeing a marriage counselor. With her ex. FML

By logansowow - 25/8/2016 00:37

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890

Today, my parents got a call from my English teacher. She told them that I have 14 days of detention because I've been cutting class. I've been there every day, but apparently she never noticed me. FML

By Bree - 22/10/2011 23:16 - United States

40264

3144

Today, a car was tailgating and honking at me while trying to pass me, so I decided to be a bitch back and go extremely slow. We got to a two lane road and the car passed me up. The man in the front seat flipped me off while pointing to his wife in the back seat who was clearly in labor. FML

By lois2lane - 23/12/2009 07:15 - United States

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Today, I went on a date with a guy that I met at a masquerade. The moment he saw me without my mask on, he left the date. FML

By workinggirl - 7/3/2010 17:38 - United States

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Today, I finally got the courage to ask my workmate about her tattoo. She's been in the office for 4 months and I'd always wondered why she had a red cheese grater tattooed on her arm. So I asked. Turns out it's a lady's shoe. She walked away from me and never talked to me again. FML

By sinceresally - 3/1/2017 22:26

7182

1270

Today, I was eating pizza with my boyfriend and my friends. I was laughing and talking and went for another piece when my boyfriend grabbed my wrist and said that I had had enough. My friends all backed him up. FML

By fatgirl - 16/5/2010 04:08 - United States

40860

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Today, I was working as a character at an amusement park. I was walking with another character and we went over to a baby girl. She smiled and laughed at my co-worker. When she saw me, she started screaming and crying. FML

By ssydneyy - 17/7/2012 19:47 - United States - Lakewood

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2995

Today, I went on a date. I'm a big Disney fan, so naturally the topic came up. He said, "The only Disney movie I didn't really like was Pocahontas." I have a Pocahontas tattoo. FML

By Madison Ostermeier - 28/6/2019 12:05

1483

526

Today, I was in class, playing online poker and keeping up my winning record. I eventually got seated against a guy who beat me at every hand. I heard laughing behind me after I lost all my winnings. The guy behind me had just made an account, looked over my shoulder, and won all my money. FML

By shushingmoon - 18/9/2009 19:15 - United States

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Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he suddenly pulls out and says, "Pull my penis." So I pulled his penis and he farted. Then he started doing it again. FML

By halloweed - 16/11/2011 05:27 - United States

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Today, I received the sweetest love letter from my boyfriend after having a bad day. After gushing about it and reading it to my friends, they said it reminded them of a letter that they'd seen online. He got it from a fill-in-the-blank love letter generator. FML

By Duped - 27/11/2009 08:09 - United States

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Today, me and my boyfriend decided to have some fun in my room before my parents got home. My phone started vibrating half-way through, and when I saw my mom's picture, I reflexively answered. It wasn't a phone call. It was a face time. Busted. FML

By Ob3nie - 14/7/2014 17:45 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, I took the kids to the pool. I'm short and 20lbs overweight but they talked me into it and I put on a swimsuit for the first time in 10 years. As soon as we got there, a girl my height but a good 150lbs heavier said, "It's so nice to see another big girl in a two-piece!" FML

By short&stout - 26/8/2017 20:00

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617

Today, I was hauling cow shit. I had a car following me very closely, so I turned on the spreader to get them to back off. It was a cop. I got pulled over in a tractor for spraying cow shit on a cop car. FML

By farmingman - 14/4/2016 23:24 - United States

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Today, I walked into the ladies' bathroom to find my male boss taking a dump with the stall door wide open. FML

By teaspoonzz - 25/10/2017 15:00

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Today, I found out that the phrase I got tattooed on my lower back is misspelled. FML

By TatooFAIL - 6/10/2009 14:38 - United States

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Today, I fell going down the stairs and hit my head on the wall. My parents came frantically running to my side, but only to make sure I hadn't damaged the wall. FML

By Lily - 9/6/2012 23:43 - United States - San Antonio

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2240

Today, my mom found a box full of stuff she had been looking for. She starts going through it and finds baby pictures of my sister and I as well as pictures of the cats. She puts my baby pictures back in the box and closes the lid. The cat pictures are now hanging in her living room. FML

By Anonymous - 28/3/2009 05:38 - United States

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3800

Today, I was so bad at maintaining a conversation that the only way for the other guy to put up with me was to drink. He was the designated driver. He would rather risk drinking and driving than being sober around me. FML

By Anonymous - 13/9/2019 00:01 - Australia - Darwin

The Conversationalist

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352

Today, I was in one of those lucid half sleeps with my boyfriend. Not fully awake to control myself, I ripped ass. I had no idea what to do. I pretended to still be sleeping. I'm pretty sure he noticed because he patted me on the back in a congratulatory sort of way. FML

By amg85904 - 30/1/2009 00:13 - United States

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Today, my girlfriend and I were sending dirty messages to each other. We were getting really into it until she replied to one of my messages with, "Oooooh yeah." I read it in the Kool-Aid man's voice and couldn't stop laughing. Mood killed. FML

By Stuby14 - 23/11/2015 14:31 - United States - Brookings

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Today, the girl who I was in love with for almost seven years listed me on facebook as her "Brother." FML

By Anonymous - 2/10/2010 02:11 - Israel

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Today, I had the mole on my neck removed. By my pet bird. FML

By Sarah - 18/7/2019 12:00

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164

Today, I finally found out why my fish were dying in their tank. My younger sister had been spraying detergent in there because she wanted "to make the fish smell like lemons". FML

By carrottop - 7/1/2011 12:12 - Australia

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Today, in class I was teaching 6 year olds about the difference between short and tall, and I asked them how they could see that I was shorter than the other teacher. One of them raised their hand and said it was because I'm fatter. FML

By lemonchips - 12/10/2015 21:28 - Norway

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Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend because he's been working extra hard these last two months. I went to his house only to find him in bed with another girl. Standing there, with fifteen roses in my hands, all he could say was, "Thank you, can you put them in a vase?" FML

By Anonymous - 18/10/2010 14:24 - Netherlands

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Today, I was chatting with a cute guy on Omegle. He seemed really friendly and interested after I had showed him a picture of me. When I mentioned that I play music, he seemed even more interested, so I gave him the link to my music Myspace. I waited patiently. He disconnected. FML

By Anonymous - 24/2/2010 03:41 - United States

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Today, I was putting on cream and my son asked what it was for. I told him it was to keep the wrinkles away. He looked at me closely and replied, "I don't think it's working." FML

By julieb - 23/5/2009 05:04 - United States

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Today, someone informed me that my new boyfriend's tattoo is really an old Nazi symbol and not just a poorly-drawn skull. Now I'm trying to figure out how to ask him whether he's a neo-Nazi or not. Why am I so nervous? I'm Jewish, he just hasn't heard my last name yet. FML

By jamerz - 26/5/2019 04:00

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329

Today, while on my Dad's computer, I looked through the browser history to find the name of a website I'd visited on it the other day. I soon found out he watches a staggering amount of downright frightening incest porn. I'm disturbed on so many levels. FML

By Anonymous - 22/7/2015 11:52 - United States - Garland

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Today, I got a new pair of glasses, and was driving home. While waiting at a stop sign, I noticed a homeless guy touching himself. He saw me, smiled and waved, and then continued. So much for my new eyesight. FML

By Anonymous - 11/6/2012 20:30 - United States

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Today, I sent a forward to the ladies at my office. When I scrolled down I noticed my personal emails from my best friend were attached. They go into great detail about the sex I had last night, when I was planning on dumping my boyfriend and that I suspected I had an anal fissure. FML

By crazybiotch - 28/5/2009 18:09 - Canada

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Today, I was walking the boardwalk when I felt a strange sensation between my legs as I sneezed. My tampon shot out like a cork and rolled to the side of my granny panties. I had to waddle like Yosemite Sam to the nearest potty. I was on a date. FML

By Anonymous - 17/1/2018 06:00

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442

Today, my dad woke me up for the second time to get me ready for school. Wanting me to prove I was really awake, he made me sit up. As soon as he left my room, I dozed off and faceplanted my nightstand. FML

By Username - 4/4/2011 17:36 - United States

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