Dog Box Fail

Today, I found out my wife has been taking "love thy neighbour" very literally with the bloke next door. FML

Empathy lives

Hey stinky!

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

By Anonymous

24360

1511

Today, I was washing my hands in the bathroom when I looked up and saw a spider on my cheek. Panicking, I slapped myself in the face as hard as I could to kill it. Turns out the spider was on the mirror. FML

By Anonymous - United States

21196

41535

Today, thanks to America's opiate epidemic, I can no receive the pain management I require for broken ribs. FML

By Broken - 7/1/2021 11:01 - United States - Toledo

Healthcare for all

866

Today, my family started their own version of the Hunger Games. With farts as their ammo, they've been tackling and gassing everyone until their victim "dies" by surrendering. My house is a flatulent war zone, and I fear waking up blind. FML

By district12 - United Kingdom

Fart wars

29867

2889

Today, my visiting cousin was driving me to pick-up and pay for my wedding cake at the bakery. The cops pulled him over for speeding and as it turns out his license was expired. I ended up having to use my wedding cake money to bail him out of jail. FML

By mellbelle32 - United States

43074

3476

Today, I went for a job interview for a building position at a retail store. They saw on my application that I was good at math. They asked me what the circumference of a circle is. Being nervous during the interview, I accidentally said the area of a circle. I didn't get the job. FML

By mathguy - United States - Green Bay

23272

7334

Today, my dad muttered something about the snow in Texas being fake, caused by 5G. I didn't take the bait, because it made a change from natural disasters being caused by my "homosexual life choices." FML

By Anonymous - 24/2/2021 00:30

Letting go

1216

135

Today, going to my psychiatrist's appointment for my PTSD and depression, my mother yelled about how useless I am and how I torture her existence with my "abnormalities." She told the doctor how much I've improved and become such a delight at home for her and our family. FML

By Anonymous - Pakistan - Islamabad

2024

103

Today, I'm a chef and I had a new set of knives delivered. My boss says to me, ''Be careful with your new knives, they're going to be sharp. You don't want to cut your nail off.'' Not 2 minutes later I chop my whole nail off my right index. He jinxed me. FML

By cabatt

2162

926

Today, I asked a girl I like to the movies. Wanting her to lean on me and stay in my arms during the movie, I chose a horror film. I screamed like a pussy the whole time. FML

By pussyface96 - Canada - Toronto

9577

44399

Today, it was my first day back to school after break. I wasn't feeling well, but I decided to go anyway. I threw up in the hallway and shit myself at the same time. I waited in the office for my dad to come and get me for almost an hour while wearing dirty underwear. FML

By Anonymous - United States

36599

5228

Today, while playing badminton, I was so distracted by my ex winking at me that I didn't notice the shuttle cock that hit me in the eye. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

9680

21360

Today, my dad yelled for me. It was an emergency. I ran down the stairs, tripped, fell, and limped over to my dad only to find that he wanted me to see a video of someone playing "Bohemian Rhapsody" on the ukulele. FML

By camille - United States

27276

3169

Today, after ignoring me for about a week, my boyfriend finally broke up with me. Why? He discovered that I use prescription deodorant. FML

By SphereMaiden

4658

370

Today, my sister-in-law pooped with the bathroom door open until my husband had to tell her to close it, then she came out with unwashed hands and started rooting through the cookies. This isn't even the most unhygienic thing she's done today. FML

By Anonymous - United States - North Easton

54717

3574

Today, a friend thought it would be funny to make a R.I.P. page for me on Facebook. Most liked post? "Too bad this page is fake." FML

By the hated - United States - Absecon

48815

5433

Today, is my 16th birthday. Thinking that my parents would be out of town for it like they had every other year, I decided it would be fun to tan nude in my backyard. Apparantly my parents set up a surprise party for my sweet 16. I was standing naked infront of half my school. FML

By badbirthday - Canada

127148

46339

Today, my psycho grandma yelled at me for being an "immature brat" by not offering to wash the dishes after dinner. I reminded her that when I offered last time, she raged at me for being "condescending". She responded by faking a heart attack and getting me indefinitely grounded. FML

By really mature, GRAN - United States - El Macero

39289

3029

Today, I woke up to the sound of birds chirping, had a wonderful cup of coffee, and found my son throwing up rubbing alcohol in the bathroom. FML

By Anonymous - United States

6667

716

Today, my girlfriend admitted to my best friend that she basically just sees me as a dildo with annoying emotions. FML

By taintedlover - United States - Seattle

57021

7539

Today, someone at work took my delicate medication out of the fridge to make room for their lunch. Now my medication has expired. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Limavady

33593

2873

Today, my 4-year-old son's daycare called because he kissed a few girls. They explained he can't walk up and kiss little girls. I thought the situation was under control, until I was called an hour later to remove him from the premises for kissing little boys. FML

By stressedmom36 - United States - Tampa

27278

2750

Today, I found out that when my boyfriend is drunk he pretends to be Bob the Builder. FML

By Chelsy - Australia - Canberra

Can he fix it?

1289

182

Today, my wife decided to check her email, while I was still inside her. FML

By Anonymous - United States

66161

13125

Today, I found out my fiancé is already married when his wife showed up at my door. That's about the same time she found her husband is gay, and that Ashley can be a man's name. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Tyler

30061

2778

Today, I got fired from my part-time job, because I insisted on keeping my phone in my pocket and never using it, instead of putting it in locker without a lock or security camera, that anyone can go through. The manager found out by searching my locker for the past 3 weeks. Ironic. FML

By Chesty Larue - United States

28217

2362

Today, my cat managed to lock my dad and me outside of our house. FML

By Anonymous - United States

34716

6930

Today, my wife and I can’t decide if we should force my stepson to wait when he rudely demands something, in the hope he’ll learn patience and some manners, or just give him what he wants so he’ll go away and stop making us miserable. He’s 13. FML

By Chuncan Duncan - 1/4/2021 15:59 - United Kingdom

Teenagers

283

1132

Today, it’s been a week since my dad has decided I’m only allowed to sleep with my door open. Guess how long it’s been since I’ve slept. FML

By kikajsns - 29/4/2021 07:59

His house, his rules?

839

Today, my brother thought it would be hilarious to put vinegar in my contact solution. I took my contacts out hours ago and my eyes still burn. FML

By Anonymous - United States

37388

2615

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms. I couldn't find them anywhere, so I nervously asked a staff member for help. She scowled, pointed at the shelf directly behind me, and told me to "Get a life. Or better pickup lines." I'll never live down the snickers from the other customers. FML

By fuck - Netherlands

Misunderstood

32494

4038

Today, I got fired from a job I had already resigned from after agreeing to stay on and help them out for an extra month, despite having no contract. They fired me because a colleague refused to work with me anymore because I wouldn't date him. FML

By So I can go now then?

2598

233

Today, my nine-year-old niece found my coloring book that features swear words. I took it away and hid it in a different spot. No less than an hour later, her younger sister found it. FML

By szechuansauce

3983

1316

Today, I was a month away from being seizure-free long enough to be able to get my licence when I experienced one. FML

By Rose - 17/5/2021 06:01 - Australia - Castle Hill

Driving me up the wall

937

Today, my girlfriend chose the most expensive restaurant in town, then spent the entire time facebooking, texting, and playing games on her phone while I dined in silence. This is the second time we've been out this week. She didn't even eat her food. I didn't even get a thank you. FML

By BrokeAndPsst - United States

60047

14872

Today, my friends and I spent a little too long enjoying a beautiful cliff overlooking the ocean. We spent the next 3 hours lost in a pitch black jungle with only one pocket-sized flashlight. FML

By sothisishowidie - Guam - Yigo

38676

12952

Today, my boss told me his cancer test results came back positive. I congratulated him and asked how he planned to celebrate. It turns out a positive cancer test result is a bad thing. FML

By Anonymous - United States

8732

62423

Today, my girlfriend sent me a video of herself masturbating so I could watch it on my business trip. As I was watching it, I realised someone was filming her, because the camera was moving and definitely not on a tripod. I know I never recorded a video of her. FML

By Anonymous

6000

442

Today, my girlfriend sent out a mass text to everyone on her contact list. She's getting married in a month. I didn't propose to her. FML

By Whosthegroom - United States

45074

3640

Today, I drove six hours with a friend to see one of her favorite bands in concert. We were turned away at the door because the online site didn't say we had to be 21 to enter. I drove six hours back with nothing to show for it but an empty gas tank and useless tickets. FML

By Anonymous - United States

43494

9387