Today, I went to a Halloween party with people from work. As... - FML

By helosthisshit - 1/11/2014 14:26 - United Kingdom - Linlithgow

Today, I went to a Halloween party with people from work. As the night passed, my boss got hammered and started throwing food at people. It was fun and games until I accidentally spilled his 10th beer. His response? To slam a hollowed out pumpkin full of chocolate mousse over my head. FML

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Body issues

Live dumping

Business savvy

By TBaggins00 - 21/6/2009 07:34 - United States

Today, as I was texting a friend, I was going to warm up some cold pizza. As I got finished with a text I put the pizza in the microwave and set the timer. After the timer ran out, I opened the door and smelled burnt plastic. Turns out phones aren't meant to be in the microwave. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2009 05:26 - Canada

Today, I was chastised by the CEO in the middle of a management meeting for showing up late to work every day, despite being in my office before 9:00am every morning. It was my 5th day on the job and no one had bothered to tell me that the office opens at 8:00am, and not 9:00am. FML

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By TheNerd - 12/5/2011 02:01 - United States

Today, I was riding my long board. A few feet from me an attractive girl was riding one too, in the same direction. We made eye contact right as I slammed into a light pole. She then fell because she was laughing so hard. FML

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By justmyluck5150 - 17/10/2016 17:58 - United States

Today, I told the doctor that one of my ribs sticks out farther than the other. When I lifted my shirt to show him, he immediately laughed and said, "Whoa, that's not subtle is it!" As if I wasn't already insecure about it. FML

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By joeheathen - 13/11/2009 12:57 - United States

Today, I went to the pharmacy to purchase a brace for my sprained wrist. My wife and I had recently ran out of KY lotion, so I decided to pick up a bottle while I was there. It didn't occur to me that these two items could be perceived as being related until the cashier began to giggle. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2016 15:58 - Germany - Berlin

Today, my father-in-law left my wedding reception because he had to feed the dog. This would have been alright, if he hadn't been absent for nearly two hours. Apparently, just feeding the dog and leaving would have hurt the animal's feelings so he stayed to play with him for a while. FML

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By SURPRISE - 10/6/2009 00:13 - Canada

Today, it was my girlfriend's birthday. To surprise her, I told her that I was going away on business, and could not be there on her birthday. When I show up at her house to surprise her with a present and cake, she opens the door in her underwear, beside a man in his boxers. She was surprised. FML

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By dmachin - 8/2/2010 19:30 - France

Today, I visited my grandmother who has dementia. She thought I was my father, and told me that I should never have married my mother, let alone have had children with her. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2017 12:00 - United States - Woodside

Dazed and Confused

Today, I was promoted. I got advice throughout the day from all of management on what I'm supposed to do first thing everyday. Not one was the same as the other. FML

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By Me - 5/1/2010 07:16 - France

Today, I was rejected for a job I really wanted, they said I didn't have enough experience. I designed the systems they are implementing. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2017 18:00

Today, I had to stop on a long trip to use the restroom at a gas station. Apparently, there was water damage beneath the toilet, because after about two minutes of doing my business, it collapsed about seven inches beneath the floor. Guess who got covered in water, black mold, and poo. FML

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By Noname - 7/2/2009 20:42 - United States

Today, my mom was telling me a funny story about when I was young. So I said 'yeah I was funny huh?' She replied 'Yep, I had a funny one and a pretty one'. FML

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By thecarisfine - 14/3/2015 04:27 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, while on a date, I desperately let out a stealth fart in my date's car. I didn't have the nerve to own up to it, even as he started panicking and thinking the smell was coming from his engine. FML

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By anonymous - 1/12/2010 08:30 - United States

Today, my cute coworker begged me to cover his shift tomorrow, and told me that he wanted to take me to dinner to make up for it. I was very excited because I've been crushing on him for a long time. I later overheard him tell his friend that he didn't plan on showing up for our dinner. FML

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By gassy - 7/1/2013 15:40 - United States - Aubrey

Today, I woke up after sleeping with my boyfriend for the first time. I rolled over and smiled at him, and the first thing he said was, "You farted. A lot." FML

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By Laura_2118 - 12/12/2009 07:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me my first compliment in months. Apparently my body spray makes me smell like a stripper. He then asked me if he could "park the beef bus in tuna town". FML

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By Courtney - 21/7/2011 09:54 - United States

Today, I found out my grandmother has severe road rage after she complained about Pennsylvania drivers for over an hour, then decided to rear end one because he wouldn't get out of her way. FML

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By shithole - 26/12/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, my dad and I found in my house a water filter that has not been changed in over 20 years. We have been drinking that water that has been going through a filter that had more colors than a rainbow on it. FML

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By hesaidwhat - 15/1/2010 05:07 - United States

Today, I checked my Facebook notifications to see that someone likes my new single status. My ex. FML

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By dudeyouarefired - 20/12/2012 08:16

Today, the highly intoxicated singer of my band decided it would be a wonderful idea to squat down and take a shit on stage in the middle of a gig. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2011 07:56 - United States

Today, on the way to work, I was punched in the balls by a complete stranger. FML

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By nameless - 12/7/2009 06:45 - United States

Today, I asked the girl I am in love with out on a date. She asked me for my name. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2015 17:39 - Qatar - Doha

Today, my boss' incompetent, lazy son got another raise. He only started working here five months ago. Since then he's been promoted twice and given a Bentley as a company car. All this while company profits are in the shitter and the rest of us are facing a wave of layoffs. FML

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By blovesg - 7/4/2009 00:41 - United States

Today, I was at the mall shoplifting when a girl who looked my age pointed to a shirt I had in my bag. "Stole that, huh?" she asked smiling. She looked pretty cool, so I nodded and asked if she stole the jeans she was wearing, which were from the store. Turns out she didn't, she's the manager. FML

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By pupitre - 18/10/2011 00:16 - Canada

Today, I was at a Chinese restaurant with my boyfriend and his family. After the meal, we all decided to open our fortune cookies and read them out loud. On mine, it said "You will change your mind many times before settling down." I didn't realize what it meant until after I'd read it to them. FML

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By prisym - 30/8/2017 13:00

Today, I found the $3,200 engagement ring I dropped in my yard. I ran over it with my lawnmower. FML

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By teflon_hammer - 25/5/2016 23:19 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I was taking a shower, facing away from the faucet, when I dropped the soap. When I bent over to pick up the soap, my sister flushed a toilet in the next room, causing hot water to scorch my anus. I got made my shower's bitch, FML

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By moron - 9/5/2011 17:15 - United Kingdom

Today, I dropped my hair straightener. The good news is I caught it. The bad news is I caught it by the iron itself. FML

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By Ugh... - 20/7/2010 08:15 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house. Expecting to get a little action, I was surprised to find that he had fallen asleep while I was showering. I spent my night watching television and browsing the internet while he snored. Loudly. FML

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By Vomit - 17/12/2018 05:00

Today, we had a patient projectile vomiting in our ambulance. I didn't know she had puked on our cot until I found it with my bare hand at the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2010 01:47 - United States

Today, I was at volleyball tryouts when I accidentally spiked the ball into the fire alarm. The fire fighters did not look happy when they found out what had happened. So much for being on the team. FML

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By random1456 - 13/6/2019 18:00

Today, my credit card got declined while I was buying anti-depressants. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 09:43 - United States

Today, as I'm pregnant, my mom came over to do some nice things for me, such as clean my kitchen and cook a large pot of my favorite soup. When she left, I took a nap, planning to eat later. I woke up to find my roommates had trashed my kitchen and eaten all my soup. FML

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By Sedici - 18/12/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, I got screamed at, threatened, cursed, and spat on by an elderly couple for "running them off the road". I was driving an ambulance, lights and sirens on, with a 4 year old in the back who couldn't breathe. They were going 20 in a 50mph zone for 2 miles straight. FML

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By ThatNewCarSmell - 1/10/2014 16:53 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, I held my bag of burger and fries out the window while driving, to preserve that new car smell. Not only did I hit a pothole and lose my lunch, I got pulled over by a cop who suspected I was either littering or tossing drugs when I saw him. FML

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By whoops - 2/9/2016 14:49 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, I accidentally sent my boss an explicit text message. She replied saying, "Very detailed, if only you put that much effort into your work". FML

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By brit - 11/2/2010 05:13 - United States

Today, I was listening to my favorite radio station outta Detroit. A commercial came on for a program that was giving federal grants to people who were going into a trade, like me. Right as I was getting excited I heard the words "brought to you by the government of Canada." FML

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By SuddenlyDogless - 22/2/2017 13:00 - Canada - Beachville

Today, my dog has very watery diarrhea. I laid down paper towels to soak it up, and went to get sanitary wipes for the rest of it. When I came back, my dog had dragged the paper towels up onto the sand coloured loveseat. Sand coloured no longer. FML

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By calliefml - 26/4/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, I walked into my dorm to find my roommate hanging a voodoo doll of me on a noose. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2018 15:33

Today, I fell asleep while watching a movie. My puppy took this opportunity to help himself to half a gallon of vegetable oil. FML

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Top comments

By Chiroptera_Man | 10

#6106722 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:28

Bring it up and get a raise. 8) Hopefully it was caught on camera for backup.

By Comments2010 | 17

#6106714 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:26

Wow op. I can't believe that happened. Maybe he will remember that!

Comments

By CakeFake | 16

#6106712 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:26

Ouch

Reply

orbit | 22

#6106849 - Saturday 1 November 2014 21:32

Delicious*

Reply

coltonte3 | 5

#6106932 - Saturday 1 November 2014 23:10

I actually think a hollowed out pumpkin filled with mousse sounds amazing. But yeah, sorry OP :(

Reply

Jdlove2 | 20

#6108992 - Tuesday 4 November 2014 2:23

Wow messy

By Comments2010 | 17

#6106714 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:26

Wow op. I can't believe that happened. Maybe he will remember that!

By patheticallyme | 9

#6106719 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:27

I guess that you mousse had a lot of fun :-)

Reply

blubblubbnb | 6

#6106808 - Saturday 1 November 2014 20:22

That pun may have passed if OP didn't get slammed with a pumpkin, even hollowed out it sounds painful.
Getting hit with anything isn't fun.

Reply

ChenEighty | 20

#6106821 - Saturday 1 November 2014 20:47

A pumpkin filled with mousse. Read and reread, 24.

By Chiroptera_Man | 10

#6106722 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:28

Bring it up and get a raise. 8) Hopefully it was caught on camera for backup.

Reply

devildog562 | 33

#6106824 - Saturday 1 November 2014 20:51

But it sounds like it was a , dare I say, smashing time.

I couldn't resist sorry!

Reply

BvbArmy_0 | 18

#6106978 - Saturday 1 November 2014 23:53

Depends if OP's boss is an asshole or not, they could be fired if they bring it up

By leviheichou | 15

#6106723 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:29

Everyone knows that messing with a guy's beer is a huge no no.

By TiiBags | 15

#6106724 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:29

Trick and treat?

By sayyestothedress | 24

#6106728 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:30

Don't mess with a mans beer

Reply

tony1891 | 22

#6106741 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:33

especially the boss's beer

Reply

junkman6 | 22

#6106818 - Saturday 1 November 2014 20:44

Defend my beer, like a boss.

By DenverTyrrell | 13

#6106732 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:31

Wow that's just a little too far, that sounds like it would hurt even if it was hollowed hope your okay

By Headcrab | 29

#6106737 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:32

No that's not 'fun and games' in my book. He's an asshole.

Reply

GoldenBoy50 | 7

#6106743 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:34

That's why OP said, "until I accidentally.."

By Cookiee04 | 15

#6106738 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:32

that's mature of him
*sarcasm*

Reply

0ss | 12

#6107381 - Sunday 2 November 2014 10:14

That comment was so necessary....(about as necessary as this one) *sarcasm*

Reply

orbit | 22

#6108158 - Monday 3 November 2014 5:06

No comment is necessary