Today, I went to a Halloween party with people from work. As... - FML

By helosthisshit - 1/11/2014 14:26 - United Kingdom - Linlithgow

Today, I went to a Halloween party with people from work. As the night passed, my boss got hammered and started throwing food at people. It was fun and games until I accidentally spilled his 10th beer. His response? To slam a hollowed out pumpkin full of chocolate mousse over my head. FML

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Fashion Police

The end of the road

Buzzing the tower

By I keep failing it all - 2/6/2013 19:45 - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, my dad found the Father's Day present that I spent at least ten hours preparing and decorating. I'd expected him to be extremely happy about this lovely gift. His only reaction was to ask if he could exchange it for something else. FML

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By omgwhyme - 8/1/2012 14:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me for a blow job. After I said "no" over ten times, he decided to get up and slap me across the face with his penis. FML

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By lalalasmiles06 - 4/9/2010 03:47

Today, I put a tampon in. The string broke. I had to go to the hospital to get it out. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2016 11:41 - United States - Bronx

Today, I had to slowly explain to my slightly ditzy roommate that no, I will not grow testicles due to taking testosterone supplements. FML

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By Party Pooper - 25/5/2015 01:59 - United States

Today, my housemates are throwing a huge house party to celebrate finishing their finals. It's 4:30am and people are still arriving. I have my last final in 3 hours. FML

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By wellthanks - 10/6/2013 17:04 - United States

Today, in class, we were discussing stereotypes. We were asked about common ones about nearby cities. A guy said, "Well, they say Lumberton has the prettiest girls." My teacher asked if any of us were from Lumberton, so I raised my hand. The guy quickly said, "Nevermind." FML

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By fml - 4/1/2010 03:50 - Canada

Today, I walked to the end of my driveway to pick up the newspaper. I read the front page that was talking about people who have been getting hurt from slipping on ice. Laughing about that thought and walking up my driveway, I slip. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2019 20:00

Today, my psychiatrist said, "Well, good luck." at the end of my appointment. FML

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By lyssuhhhh - 26/9/2010 23:14 - United States

Today, while working at McDonald's, a woman asked me what came on a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit. Trying not to laugh, I respond, "Bacon, egg, and cheese." She then realizes the stupidity of her question, and launches three dollars worth of quarters at my face and says, "Laugh at that, jerk." FML

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By Joey Soprano - 18/8/2020 02:06

Bad boys, bad boys…

Today, I went to the DMV today and sat in line for over 6 hours to renew my driver's license. Even though with the pandemic, it's been extended to New Year's Eve but I decided to get it done and over with. I get called up to finish everything, only to find out my license is suspended. FML

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By Steephx0 - 22/3/2017 02:00

Today, I found out the "free" protein bars at my gym are actually for a fundraiser for children's cancer. I've been taking one every day for the past two weeks. FML

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By Burp - 19/4/2012 12:37 - United States

Today, I traveled by plane for the first time. Once in the air, I was absolutely terrorized by the whole experience. Luckily, they had free booze on board, so I necked some to steady my nerves. Unfortunately, the vodka mixed with air turbulence made me spurt some vomit into my lap. FML

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By Alyssa - 19/10/2009 19:37 - United States

Today, my manager mentioned that she'd hired a "cute boy" to help me out at work with paperwork. The "cute boy" was my ex-fiancé and now I have to be with him in an office for 30 some hours a week while his current fiancée brings him lunch everyday. FML

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By Cxisbest - 23/3/2011 21:21 - United States

Today, as I walked home, I heard the people behind me in an argument over my gender. FML

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By Uriah - 3/7/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, I was chatting with an amazing guy online. He was perfect for me. After five hours he told me he loved me and I said it back. So than we decided to trade nudes. I sent mine. Within two seconds my niece calls, laughing her ass off, telling me how weird my birthmark is. FML

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By anon - 28/7/2015 05:02 - United States - Northbrook

Today, my step-sister told me that she was getting married to her girlfriend next summer. At a big family brunch, I made a toast to their marriage. I didn't know that my step-mom didn't know they were dating in the first place, or that she was severely homophobic. FML

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By william - 22/1/2009 23:22 - United States

Today, I made fun of my friend when she tripped over the curb. I said, loudly, "Haha, you can't even walk." I then notice the man in the wheelchair a few feet ahead of us. FML

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By singlelady - 26/1/2016 22:24 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, to avoid disappointing my excited great grandmother, I still attended a small family dinner to celebrate my engagement. My fiancé and I split last night, I haven't slept and had to tell her he was caught up at work. FML

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By loverpants - 14/8/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I made the "Good luck, We'll miss you!" sign for my own going away party. FML

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By Holy Testacles - 17/10/2012 04:45 - United States

Today, a cute girl sitting next to me asked if she could use my phone. As I handed it to her, I attempted to use the expression "knock yourself out," but for a reason I can still not fathom, it came out as "kill yourself." FML

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By Raiders4ever - 21/10/2009 00:44 - United States

Today, I saw my son. I didn't know I had a son. FML

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By NotAnExcuse - 7/11/2012 05:58 - United States

Today, a woman on the train demanded I give up my seat for her, claiming it was for people with disabilities. Tired from a long day at work, and seeing she had nothing wrong with her, I asked what her disability was. Apparently, obesity is one. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2013 17:13 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I realized the only reason I was invited to go on vacation with my extended family was so I could babysit everyone's children while the adults go out and have fun. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2011 11:54 - Australia

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, he laid on the bed, silent and naked in the fetal position, I had to sit there stroking his head for an hour. I think I raped my boyfriend. FML

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By bad doc - 1/10/2019 04:00

Save Me

Today, I had to repeat myself multiple times and dumb down all my anatomical terms and symptoms while describing my illness to my doctor. I want to switch, but my insurance won’t cover another one for at least 60 more days. FML

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By GabsAlot829 - 21/7/2009 22:17 - United States

Today, I babysat the most annoying and obnoxious kids for almost eight hours, when the parents assured me that they would only be gone about three or so hours. After constant calling and worrying, they finally showed up at 11:30, completely drunk. The mother paid me with three dollars and a banana. FML

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By Unlovable - 22/7/2019 04:00

Ah, puppy love…

Today, I was texting my crush. He wasn’t really into the texts because he was barely replying, until he texted back calling me "baby." I got so excited, I almost cried, until he corrected himself and said that the text wasn’t for me. I cried. FML

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By lostinthewoods - 30/5/2019 04:00

Today, while hiking, my dad decided we should take the beeline trail down the mountain to save time. When we got to the bottom of the mountain, we discovered we were on the wrong side. We had to hike 13 extra miles to go around the mountain to get back to our car. FML

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By anon - 10/11/2012 21:14 - United States - Kent

Today, I delivered a pizza to a guy so high out of his mind that I had to let myself in and set it down on a table, because he'd forgotten how to walk, and was on the ground sobbing. FML

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By biker2012 - 1/6/2009 19:13 - United States

Today, there was a parents bike race on the track at my high school for a fundraiser. My dad entered, and ended up winning. He did his victory dance with a massive erection showing through his spandex. Just about all of my friends, teachers, other parents, and the hot soccer team saw. FML

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By Michigan - 5/2/2009 01:18 - United States

Today, I walked past a man handing out miniature Bibles on my way to class. He handed me one, commenting "here, you look like you need this." FML

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By trippybmth - 23/12/2014 00:54 - United States

Today, after doing tons of research on a wand my little brother wanted for Christmas, I finally found one on eBay for $60. After already giving my credit card info and confirming the purchase, my dad called me and told me he found the exact same one for six bucks at a local toy store. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2015 01:50 - United States - Schenectady

Today, I woke up on the couch and realized I had fallen asleep while doing laundry. Ran to the laundry room, and found all my clothes gone. I really wish I hadn't been doing a load of all my pants. FML

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By sissydlk - 2/12/2010 15:54 - United States

Today, my wonderful boyfriend asked me if I wanted him to cook me scrambled eggs with sausage for breakfast. When I said yes, he pulled out his junk, and started shaking it violently in my face. FML

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By miapapaya - 15/2/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I was hooking up with a guy for the first time and he told me I was in luck. When I asked why he replied, "I like little boobs." FML

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By caught - 9/1/2012 00:43 - United States

Today, I was bored and started touching myself watching TV. My mother walked into my bedroom with a phone in her hand and yelled, "Stop jacking off and talk to your grandmother." FML

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By The Bearded Woman - 29/5/2012 04:06 - Canada - Kelowna

Today, I had to teach my younger brother to shave with a regular disposable razor because our dad uses an electric one and I'm the only other person in the family with enough facial hair to know how to use a razor. I probably would have been proud if I wasn't a girl. FML

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By skid kid - 10/3/2012 02:09 - Canada

Today, I angrily tweeted about having fruitlessly searched for over an hour for my car keys. Minutes later, some guy told me to check beneath the "stack of skid-marked underwear" on my bedroom floor. I'm not sure if it was a lucky guess, or if I should start carrying mace. FML

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By Wow - 23/12/2018 16:00

Today, I have a job interview after months of struggling to find work. I also woke up with explosive diarrhea and can’t be away from the toilet for more than 10 minutes. FML

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By j1hill33 - 14/7/2011 05:09 - United States

Today, my dad told my little brother that Tokyo is in China. This is the same guy that yells at me every time I get a "B" on a report card. FML

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Top comments

By Chiroptera_Man | 10

#6106722 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:28

Bring it up and get a raise. 8) Hopefully it was caught on camera for backup.

By Comments2010 | 17

#6106714 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:26

Wow op. I can't believe that happened. Maybe he will remember that!

COMMENTS

By CakeFake | 16

#6106712 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:26

Ouch

Reply

orbit | 22

#6106849 - Saturday 1 November 2014 21:32

Delicious*

Reply

coltonte3 | 5

#6106932 - Saturday 1 November 2014 23:10

I actually think a hollowed out pumpkin filled with mousse sounds amazing. But yeah, sorry OP :(

Reply

Jdlove2 | 20

#6108992 - Tuesday 4 November 2014 2:23

Wow messy

By Comments2010 | 17

#6106714 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:26

Wow op. I can't believe that happened. Maybe he will remember that!

By patheticallyme | 9

#6106719 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:27

I guess that you mousse had a lot of fun :-)

Reply

blubblubbnb | 6

#6106808 - Saturday 1 November 2014 20:22

That pun may have passed if OP didn't get slammed with a pumpkin, even hollowed out it sounds painful.
Getting hit with anything isn't fun.

Reply

ChenEighty | 20

#6106821 - Saturday 1 November 2014 20:47

A pumpkin filled with mousse. Read and reread, 24.

By Chiroptera_Man | 10

#6106722 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:28

Bring it up and get a raise. 8) Hopefully it was caught on camera for backup.

Reply

devildog562 | 33

#6106824 - Saturday 1 November 2014 20:51

But it sounds like it was a , dare I say, smashing time.

I couldn't resist sorry!

Reply

BvbArmy_0 | 18

#6106978 - Saturday 1 November 2014 23:53

Depends if OP's boss is an asshole or not, they could be fired if they bring it up

By leviheichou | 15

#6106723 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:29

Everyone knows that messing with a guy's beer is a huge no no.

By TiiBags | 15

#6106724 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:29

Trick and treat?

By sayyestothedress | 24

#6106728 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:30

Don't mess with a mans beer

Reply

tony1891 | 22

#6106741 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:33

especially the boss's beer

Reply

junkman6 | 22

#6106818 - Saturday 1 November 2014 20:44

Defend my beer, like a boss.

By DenverTyrrell | 13

#6106732 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:31

Wow that's just a little too far, that sounds like it would hurt even if it was hollowed hope your okay

By Headcrab | 29

#6106737 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:32

No that's not 'fun and games' in my book. He's an asshole.

Reply

GoldenBoy50 | 7

#6106743 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:34

That's why OP said, "until I accidentally.."

By Cookiee04 | 15

#6106738 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:32

that's mature of him
*sarcasm*

Reply

0ss | 12

#6107381 - Sunday 2 November 2014 10:14

That comment was so necessary....(about as necessary as this one) *sarcasm*

Reply

orbit | 22

#6108158 - Monday 3 November 2014 5:06

No comment is necessary