Today, my husband went nuts. He's quit his job and set out building an amateur bomb shelter in our backyard. According to him, there's "substantial evidence" that cannibalism is on the rise across the country, and that "it's gonna be like Resident Evil out there, babe." FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I overheard my husband telling his friend that he wished a zombie apocalypse would happen in real life, so he could take me out back and shoot me without having to worry about going to prison. FML
Today, I came home to find my dad's mid-life crisis has finally started. He's blacked all our windows, barricaded the door to the backyard, and set up a bunch of security cameras in and out of the house. It seems he's been reading up on Survivalist and Masonic conspiracy theory bullshit. FML
Today, I found out that the only way I can convince my husband to start working out is by convincing him that we are training for when the "zombie outbreak" happens. FML
Today, my husband started his midlife crisis with a bang, or rather several bangs, as he admitted that there are two women out there pregnant with his babies. Oh, and he quit his job to escape the daily grind. Oh, and he remortgaged the house to buy a truck so we could go cross country. FML
Today, my husband sat me down on the couch so he could share some "awesome" news with me. He excitedly declared that he and his idiot drinking buddies are planning on running a real-life Fight Club out of our basement. FML
Today, my husband's idea of social isolation is to lock himself in his caravan with his Xbox, 200 cans of beer and a dozen takeaway menus. I’ve not seen him in 6 days, and when I tried to force entry to tell him to snap out of it, he sprayed disinfectant at me until I couldn’t breathe. FML
Today, we have nearly no food in the house. My husband went shopping with the kids and returned with a sack of tomatoes. Time to make lunch. FML
Today, my psycho neighbor finished building a cannon. An honest-to-god, on-wheels, could-be-on-a-pirate-ship cannon. And now he's testing it in the forest by my house. I'm pretty scared for my life, to be honest. FML
Today, my husband and I got into a huge argument. He called me wasteful for throwing out old food. He insisted that you can simply pick the mold off and the food was perfectly fine. He’s going to kill our kids. FML
Today, my boyfriend informed me that in the event of a zombie apocalypse, he'd kill me before I got infected. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
ohcoolstorybro 14
Miami zombie is real
PlaidPanda 9
Because the cops shot the guy FIVE times before he went down, I'm guessing one of them was in the head.. Have you heard about the mother eating her baby, the dude eating his roommate, and there have been a few other ones out there too. I don't believe this is a "zombie pandemic" but some freaky shit is going on.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (361)
Webslinger66 10
Bath salt!!!!!!
jarrettd 27
Anyone who believes that those stories aren't just drugs and weird story's needs to Either stop playing video games. Or grow up
cjuday813 1
Why in the world is everybody freaking the **** out?!!! A man tore a man's face off and ate it while he was on some MAJOR drugs in while in the US. Thousands of men, women, and children have killed, cooked, and devoured thousands of men, women, and children in cannibalistic groups of people all over the globe still commonly found in Africa to this day. Why all of a sudden is it so "new" and so "scary" that it's now coined off a new title of zombie?! Really people?! I mean come on!!!
newburton13 26
Because this is America. And nothing bad EVER happens in America.
monkiki62 5
Yeah apparently bath salts have been turning people into zombies. Har har.
newburton13 26
And how's he doing now?
ILoveIronMan6283 3
Resident Evil is an awesome movie but I hope the zombie apocalypse won't be that bad O_O
soFREAKED 13
....this sounds like something my boyfriend would do....
youngmessi25 4
run away quickly
dannnngthatsux 19
He's right, just not for that reason.
Clarence Gilbert 7
thats awesome