By Anistoncole - 13/3/2021 20:01

Always check for tits

Today, I was showing why we picked the colour in our posters and ads for my department. I used a video to explain; I hadn't watched the full video. I skipped to halfway through and there was a picture of a naked woman with starfish on her tits. Everyone kinda went silent. FML

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Our house, in the middle of our street

Rock, hard place

Zoomers zooming

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I bought my first vibrator. I was really excited, until my crippling OCD kicked in, forcing me to turn it on and off seven times in rapid succession, causing it to give off a cracking sound and stop working. Now I'm sad. FML

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By damnit - Canada

Today, my boyfriend called and told me he had a surprise for me and to meet up with him to find out. The big surprise was a consultation with a plastic surgeon for rhinoplasty surgery. I never disliked my nose. FML

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By Stinkbomber - United States - Woonsocket

Today, at work, our grease traps were getting cleaned out. My desk is right next to the vent for outside air, and veryone thought I crapped myself and wouldn't go near me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I came out of my bedroom to find my mom doing yoga in my hallway. Naked. She doesn't seem to think there's any problem with this. It's my house. FML

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By montanadinosaur - United States - Tampa

Today, I was watching porn, and ended up bawling because the girl in the video looked like my ex. FML

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By leogs23 - 26/1/2021 10:59

On the rocks

Today, my fiancée is convinced that I just want to marry her to get a green card, so she doesn’t want to marry me anymore. FML

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By mortified - United Kingdom

Today, my dentist pulled a pubic hair out of my braces. FML

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By Eric Forrest - United States

Today, while at a work meeting, I finally summoned up the courage to share and express my opinions about unprofessionalism in the office. After the meeting, I went to clean up, only to notice in the bathroom mirror that I'd had a booger pasted across my forehead throughout the meeting. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, after drunk texting a girl the night before, I sent her a message saying I was sorry for everything I said. All she could say back? "Those were some of the most normal drunk texts I have ever read. I'd hate to see how boring you'd be sober." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me because I was "letting myself go". When I told the little girl I babysit in the afternoons why I was so upset, she looked at me for a moment before saying, "Well, I definitely can't blame him." FML

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By SadDaenerys

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me because I finished the Game of Thrones books before he could finish the TV show. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I shut one of my breasts in my car door. FML

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By drunk - Australia

Today, I woke up on a friend's floor with a massive hangover after her party last night. My friend, who was next to me, barfed all over me. She then told me that while I was drunk last night, I made out with her dog as well as two of our other friend's boyfriends. FML

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By buttpain

Today, I had dinner with my boyfriend's family. His 3-year-old nephew came running for a hug. At the last second, he darted past my arms and bit me on the ass. FML

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By Pissed - United States - Asheville

Today, I purposefully spilt my 44oz. cup of water on myself at work, because spending the rest of the day in soaking wet pants was less embarrassing than letting people know I'd pissed myself. FML

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By - India - Pune

Send help!

Today, I've managed to lock myself in my own bedroom. It won't open no matter what I do. FML

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By rattledwife666

Today, when I asked my husband to join me in the shower to "save water", he said, "Let the environment suffer, not me." FML

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By taylor_eileen - United States

Today, I drove my mom home from the salon because she was feeling sick. I'm not the best driver, but I was excited that I was helping. Everything was going smoothly until I hit a bump in the road. My mom blew chunks all over. I found out very quickly that she had spicy chicken for lunch. FML

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By brown and sticky - United States - Baltimore

Food poisoning

Today, I got food poisoning. After leaving class 4 times to poop, I sharted in the school bus on the ride home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was leaving the office, I heard my very cute coworker behind me say "Hey gorgeous, where are you off to?" I turned around with a smile and said "About to hit up happy hour." He was on the phone with his wife. I'm calling in sick tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Nottingham

Today, while visiting my grandparents, I was afraid that one of their many cats would pee on me. I was peed on all right, by my grandma. FML

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By kitty - United Kingdom - Exeter

He Mad

Today, my grandpa yelled at me, telling me to stop being ugly and rude. I only asked if he could cut the watermelon. FML

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By woahlaura - United States - Houston

Today, I gave my boyfriend a $300 cooler for Valentine's Day. When I asked what he got me, he pointed at my stomach. I'm 3 months pregnant with his baby. FML

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By pissed - United States

Today, my husband called me from the store, trying to decide whether or not to buy the new games console he's been wanting. I'd already purchased one and hid it, ready for Christmas Day. I couldn't talk him into not buying himself one. There goes a $500 surprise. FML

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By Not Suicidal - 2/7/2020 05:04

Down the rabbit hole of assumptions

Today, a lady talking about the Bible came to my house. She looked at me and said I wouldn't need to cut myself if I had God in my life. Mom heard and did a thorough investigation of my body for scars. I had to bathe my rabbit last night, and he scratched me. They were from him. FML

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By jumbledgirl - United States

Today, my teacher started talking about me quietly to the stuffed cat, called Rufus, that she keeps on her desk. FML

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By douglisk1994 - United States

Today, I drove my girlfriend home around 11 to her garage where we start to have sex. When she comes to climax she slips and hits her head. Her parents heard the crash and came down, we were both still naked and she was unconscious. FML

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By Samsonites - United States

Today, I finally decided to tell him I love him. He told me that he loved me too... like a sister! The love of my life has been sleeping with his "sister" for three months. FML

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By dealtit - United States - Toccoa

Today, I accidentally farted in the middle of class. Thinking I got away with it, I just kept doing my work until some kid across the room says, "I could have done better." FML

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By The Sbeak - United States

Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was brutally run over by a man in a wheelchair. FML

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By Lady Douche of Asscrackington - United States - Watertown

Today, during a family dinner, my 5-year-old son excitedly told everyone that I let him use my "douche" last week. My parents glared at me in anger and horror, and only after they left did I find out that his brother had told him that's what my loofah is called. FML

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By up to no-good... - United States - Albuquerque

Who? Where? Why? What?

Today, my parents accused me of being secretive. I have no idea what they're talking about; all I do is work, go to school, sleep, and eat. Now I'm grounded until I tell them what's going on. I have crazy parents, that's what's going on. FML

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By hating labels - Australia

Today, at breakfast, my sister labelled me a "feminist." My whole family now refuses to talk to me for more than 30 seconds, and acts as though I have an incurable, highly contagious disease. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my father told me that it wasn't that I was written out of his will, it's that he never thought to include me in the first place. FML

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By 1gullible_bugger

Today, I was assaulted by a crazy drunk woman. Why? Six years ago, her kids were put into foster care because she was unfit. Somehow, this was my fault. FML

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By Ed - United States

Today, I came home from work to find my five year old daughter drawing unicorns on the wall. The same wall that I had to repaint last week because it had puppies on it. FML

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By Hank - Canada

Today, I scored two prime baseball tickets from a supplier at work. I phoned my dad to tell him the good news. He said that's great, my brother and him would love to see the game. I said, no, I'm taking you to the game. He told me I was being selfish and hung up the phone. FML

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By Uniforms

Today, a friend of mine asked me to take him to a city about an hour away to pick up his firefighter uniforms. When we arrived, he was told that his uniforms had been shipped to the station he works at. FML

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By fatty - United States

Today, my friend was complaining about how fat she was. To make her feel better I said, "Psh, you're not fat! In fact we're about the same weight!" She looked at me for a second, then burst into tears sobbing, "I'm fat! I'm fat!" FML

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Top comments

By toodamntall | 7

#7978172 - Saturday 13 March 2021 20:27

"And now introducing the new company mascot: StarTits."

By RichardPencil | 30

#7978225 - Sunday 14 March 2021 0:57

If she has starfish on her tits, she's not naked.

COMMENTS

By toodamntall | 7

#7978172 - Saturday 13 March 2021 20:27

"And now introducing the new company mascot: StarTits."

By RichardPencil | 30

#7978225 - Sunday 14 March 2021 0:57

If she has starfish on her tits, she's not naked.

By bobsanction | 16

#7978294 - Sunday 14 March 2021 9:38

That's a trip to Human Resources right there.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7978488 - Monday 15 March 2021 3:00

Don't half-ass your job.