Nearly FMLs

By oops - 15/01/2016 07:50 - United States - Savannah

Today, I was trying to describe to my friend how obese my boss is. My tongue slipped and I accidentally said to my friend, "He's even fatter than you!" FML

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By pinkspice997 - 15/01/2016 07:48 - Bahrain - Manama

Today, I went out on a blind date that my sister set me up on. Things took an interesting turn during our date when I talked about the stock market. He looked at me and said "wait, you're too pretty to know these things" and just laughed. Did I also mention I hold a law degree from Cambridge? FML

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By oh - 15/01/2016 07:42 - United States - Laramie

Today, I decided to stop being shy and invite a new friend over. I thought we were having fun, then she said she was going outside for a minute. A couple minutes passed and she didn't come back inside, turns out she had texted her mom and had her come pick her up from "that weird girls house". FML

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By Anonymous - 15/01/2016 07:30 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today,I ended up in the ER with the worst abdominal pain imaginable. The doctor came into my room and said my blood test shows I have an inflamed gallbladder. I got my gallbladder removed three years ago. FML

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By Jnnelly - 15/01/2016 07:21 - United States - Shawnee

Today, I was talking to a friend about how I was doing nothing this weekend and my crush comes by and says "yea we know your a pathetic loser". FML

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By meowpurrrcooo - 15/01/2016 07:19 - United States - Gallatin

Today, during my husband and I's anniversary, he took me out to dinner at a lovely restaurant. Dinner was slightly awkward as he was distant, but it got even more awkward after he dropped me off - not at our - but my parents' home & told me "I think we are better off as friends," and drove away...

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By RIP Snape and Ziggy - 15/01/2016 07:14 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I said to my girlfriend, who is a big fan of both David Bowie and Alan Rickman, "Seems like it's a bad week to be a 69 year old British icon with cancer!". She punched me in the face and broke my nose. FML

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By anonymous - 15/01/2016 07:10 - United States - Bountiful

Today, I warned my 6 year old sister-in-law that the puppy my husband and I got has been a little shit and biting everyone. She snapped at me for warning her. Then took the toy out of the puppies mouth, got bit and blamed me. FML

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By Dmessmer1 - 15/01/2016 07:05 - United States

Today, while driving home from the mechanic with my new exhaust on my truck and with newly bought $2000 subwoovers. I get in a car accident cause they ran the red light. and now I am by the road waiting to get picked up cause my truck is now totaled. FML.

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By kseniasolorocks - 15/01/2016 07:05

Today, i just found out that my "lesbian" girlfriend of four years has been fucking her ex boyfriend since before we even met. FML

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By Rosebudx - 15/01/2016 07:03 - United States - Columbus

Today, I might get fired because I didn't make banana chips correctly. I'm a librarian. FML

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By third wheel much - 15/01/2016 06:50 - United States

Today, I finally agreed to let my parents play matchmaker for me. It might have turned out great if the guy they invited to dinner hadn't brought his girlfriend to join us. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/01/2016 06:34 - Malaysia - Shah Alam

Today, despite having a medical degree, a beautiful wife and family, I realized my aim in life is to have a post accepted on FML. FML.

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By anon - 15/01/2016 06:23 - United States - Cabot

Today, my girlfriend got a really cool tattoo of a wolf. She was really excited about it and couldn't wait to show me. When I asked her why she decided on that one, she said "because I'm a lone wolf." and proceeded to break up with me.

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By Anonymous - 15/01/2016 06:14 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I cheated on him. Did I mentionned it was in his dream? FML

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You deserved it 1

By Sir_MicFlur - 15/01/2016 06:06 - United States - Newark

Today, I learned that you could put disks through a cleaner and it fixes them. This is after buying call of duty 3 times after they got scratched and I can't find the receipts. I wasted $180 just to play a game with my friends that they decided they don't even like. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/01/2016 06:06 - United States - San Francisco

A year ago I had 8 teeth pulled out. All four of my K-9 teeth, and the ones behind them. The dentist claimed that they were keeping the new ones from coming in. Well, a year later, they're just growing in. A new dentist said that they just weren't ready yet. FML.

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By anonymous - 15/01/2016 05:57 - United States - Daytona Beach

Today, I asked out girl I've had a crush on for months. She told me I was a beautiful girl, but she wasn't ready to express her feelings yet and didn't want to rush anything. Later, I saw her kissing a girl she met two hours earlier. FML

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By Eliteknif3R - 15/01/2016 05:48 - Canada - Ottawa

Today,After writing 4 hours worth of code for my website,some idiot turned off the power.I didnt get to save.FML

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By Anonymous - 15/01/2016 05:39 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my WiFi stopped working and my service provider said it would work after my presentation is due. I stayed up seven hours to redo my project and then missed my ride to my class. I showed up right before the bell rang and was informed that an email was sent out about the due date extension.FML

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By BetterOffWithoutEm - 15/01/2016 05:12 - Canada - Dollard-des-ormeaux

Today my immediate family and most of my extended family left for a two week Florida trip. I'm expecting my first child and am due tomorrow. Their excuse? It's my grandparents last trip up to the family cottage.

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By BIGJ0 - 15/01/2016 05:11 - United States - Elizabeth

Today after I got off the phone with my eye doctor about picking up my new glasses, after exhausting my current ones for two years, I try to adjust them, one of the legs snapped off, and they fell to the floor and shattered. I'm extremely nearsighted, and I have to drive to get my new ones. FML

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By runner2000 - 15/01/2016 04:54 - United States - Victoria

Today, my sister told me to lick her hand or she would lay in my bed naked. I truly thought she was joking. Fml

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By dreams001 - 15/01/2016 04:41 - United States - Mt Meadows Area

Today, while trying to be cute and funny I threw a small snowball at my friend. His girlfriend wanted to get me back for it so I started running. My friend decided to trip me to give his girlfriend an advantage. Fml

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By HateMyLife - 15/01/2016 04:17 - United States - Armonk

Today, i woke up after getting wasted last night. as i was taking off my clothes to get in the shower, i felt a sharp pain in my private region. i looked down and let out a loud shriek only to realize i now had a clitoral piercing. yes, a piece of metal stabbed through my clit. FML

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By Zamn - 15/01/2016 04:15 - United States - Pensacola

Today, my boyfriend finally told me he loved me over Skype. I walk to his house to surprise him and found him sleeping with my sister.

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By krysfdoll - 15/01/2016 04:12 - United States - Canton

Today, I had to treat a patient for a severe case of conjunctivitis in both eyes. I asked if he made any changes to his normal lifestyle that may have caused this infection. He said no, proceeded to scratch his behind then rub his itchy-burning eyes in my exam chair, FML.

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By krysfdoll - 15/01/2016 04:02 - United States - Canton

Today, my first patient of the morning recognized me from outside of work. I apologized as I never recall meeting him before. He said we met last night at the gas station, I was the obnoxious, clearly overly intoxicated white girl trying to buy more beer, FML.

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By KittyDaWiseCat - 15/01/2016 03:51 - United States

Today, I was blackmailed by my best friend to tell the random guy at school who knocked me up that I lost the baby he never knew about. I was positive he wouldn't give a damn. his reaction? breaks down crying and asks if I want to try for another one. we are juniors in high school. FML

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You deserved it 0

By Swandive235 - 15/01/2016 03:48 - United States - Denver

Today, I told one of my friends that I had mostly German heritage in our locker room. Now every time I go to dress out, I'm greeted with at least 5 people yelling "Heil Hitler" at me. FML

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The Top

Today, I'm taking care of my 12-year-old daughter because my ex-wife thought she could cure our daughter's lactose intolerance by sneaking milk into her soy breakfast. The milk had expired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 390

You deserved it 1 267

Today, I went to go get a new ID because my wallet was stolen, which had my social security card in it as well. I found out that to get your ID you have to have your social security card, and to get your social security card, you need your ID. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 113

You deserved it 8 693

Today, I asked my husband why he won't list me as his wife on Facebook. Apparently, it's because he doesn't want the high school friends he just reconnected with to know that he married "the biggest geek in the whole school." We went to the same high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 153

You deserved it 3 786

Today, I tried on a tight sweater at the mall. It got stuck halfway over my head, and I couldn’t get it off. I had to shuffle out of the changing room, arms trapped in the air, and ask the clerk for help while blinded by the fabric. FML

I agree, your life sucks 189

You deserved it 329

Today, I'm a very stoic, loner lady, with I'll admit some anger issues, and I’m starting to realise why it was a mistake to go out with a girl who’s chirpy, happy, optimistic all the damn time. It’s like I’m Rosa Diaz and I’m dating Amy Santiago, and she’s driving me insane with her happiness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 323

You deserved it 937

Today, I found out my boss wrote me up because he heard me crying on the phone, and that it was unprofessional. I was talking to my sister, who was telling that me my father had died. Three weeks ago, he was crying about his dog breaking his leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 842

You deserved it 102