Nearly FMLs

By Anonymous - 15/01/2016 01:12 - United States - Soldotna

Today, I walked up to Wal-Mart and a man with a cart full of items was walking rather fast away, after he dropped a few things I brought them to him and asked if he was in a rush, to which he said yes. After walking to to the store 3 staff members were trying to read his plates for theift. FML

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By DarkSoul666 - 15/01/2016 01:00 - United States - Fairport

Today, my exgirlfriend and I got in a fight over something small. Now we're not even friends anymore and I have the engraving in my car to prove it along with the gash in my leg from her heels that needed stitches. Thank god it was lower than her original aim. But still. FML

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By Alfred - 15/01/2016 00:46 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, my maid filled my entire water bottle and threw the whole thing into my backpack, with my computer, two calculators, and books, without bothering to tighten the lid. I didn't find out until the entire backpack was soaked. FML

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By sop_x - 15/01/2016 00:44 - France

Today, after a night of violent nightmares, I woke up to an angry boyfriend. Not because my kicking and moaning kept him awake, but because he's absolutely sure I was having fun cheating on him in my dream. He's been mad about my "enjoyment" all day. FML

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By detention time - 15/01/2016 00:40 - United States - Mesquite

Today, my teacher wrote me up for the 12th time for being late to class. She knows I have to take insulin shots at around the time class begins, but to which she states "knowledge is more important. I don't care."

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By ShadowReiku - 15/01/2016 00:39 - United States - Herndon

Today, my coworkers and I were talking about Alan Rickman when the youngest member of our crew came by and asked how I was. Thinking he knew, I said "Alan Rickman died, that's how I am." He shouted "Alan Rickman DIED!?" and burst into tears. I crushed this poor boy's heart. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/01/2016 00:14 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, after waiting for three months to be paid over $2000 for work I did for my father's company, I decided to finally ask when I was getting paid. Instead of answering, my father called me a "F#cking b#tch" and told me to stop being so cheap. FML.

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By That Happened - 15/01/2016 00:06 - United States - Searcy

Today, I was having a deep discussion with one of my professors after one of my classes. Without warning I felt a slight pressure in my bladder and pee flooded out of me in an abnormally large quantity that I couldn't hold back. We had to call a janitor and I just made a doctor's appointment. FML

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By onlygoodfortraining - 15/01/2016 00:05 - United States - Woodway

Today I realized that the reason my workplace has been having me train a coworker so aggressively lately is because she's transferring to become an assistant manager at a new store. I was told recently that though they want to promote me, there aren't currently any positions available. FML

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By MDoremis - 15/01/2016 00:04 - United States - Kaneohe

Today, my new laptop started malfunctioning so I quickly transferred my work to my old laptop. My old one thought it would be the perfect time to die right in the middle of the transfer. Now I can't access my work on either computer. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/01/2016 23:02 - United States - Bowie

Today, my dildo arrived. I was super excited considering it's the same size as a guy I'm in to. Although thanks to the ups man, my parents now know what's inside, I haven't come out yet. FML

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By babies&poo - 14/01/2016 22:59

Today, I went to the doctor because I've been extremely constipated for 8 weeks. Apparently this is solely due to the fact that I'm pregnant. Surprise! FML

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By Bloody HELL - 14/01/2016 22:34 - United States

Today, I went to the mall to hang out after school and I started my period two weeks early. I called my dad and asked for a ride home and he cussed me out and said that I deserved it for being a stupid girl. Its another two hours and two buses to get home and I've already bled through my pants. FML

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By CrowdedMoth - 14/01/2016 22:33 - United States - Norfolk

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She is now on birth control, so I decided "hey why not finish in her?" Well, we were doing doggystyle and as I finished I did one hard last thrust, she fell on the bed and my sperm shot out back at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/01/2016 22:29 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I now know what it's like to leap out of bathroom window, in nothing but a towel while the front of your house is engulfed in flames. Fml

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By ThespianTheft - 14/01/2016 22:21 - United States - Skokie

Today, in theatre class, it was time to preform the scenes we had been working on for a month. Lo and behold, the group in front of us, who had trouble coming up with inspiration, so they "secretly" watched us, felt inspired to preform the exact same scene. Everyone thinks we copied them. FML

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By Cheeki Breeki - 14/01/2016 22:19 - Denmark - Kastrup

Today, a light from my window was shining in on my crotch. My dog loves to hunt light. FML

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By siajoy - 14/01/2016 22:09 - United States - Lowell

Today, I found out the great guy that my friend said told her that he is in love with her, is my boyfriend. FML

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By anonymous - 14/01/2016 22:01 - Australia

Today, I decided to write a short horror story. Afterwards I fell asleep and woke up screaming because the story gave me a nightmare. FML

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By anonymous - 14/01/2016 21:56 - Netherlands

Today, I found out my fiance has been selling my used panties to perverts. I should be really angry at him for doing something so disgusting, but I can't really complain since in the last 8 months he's earned £9,000 for the honeymoon fund and is now taking us to Hawaii. The romantic bastard. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/01/2016 21:54

Today, I broke my arm at a wrestling match after I got tossed, after I got back to school the next day, I found out that the coach kicked me off the team for "being an embarrassment to the school". FML

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By Angsty_Armadillo - 14/01/2016 21:52 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss brought in expensive toilet paper for me to use because I have hemorrhoids from pregnancy and need softer tp than the sandpaper the company buys. Not even 2 hours later it was gone. There are only 7 people that work here. FML

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By she had green hair she's crazy 100% - 14/01/2016 21:48 - United States - Palos Hills

Today, I received a text from my neighbor that there was a lady taking pictures of the inside of my house. I didn't think much of it, since I was still in school, I couldn't act on it anyways. When I got back, my door was open and my dog peed everywhere and we're home alone, scared. FML

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By fail - 14/01/2016 21:31 - Canada - Waterloo

Today, I watched someone who does exactly the same type of research as me interview for the permanent version of my temporary academic job in the office across the hall from me, then my classroom was taken over for their reception. My dept chair said my research interests were the wrong fit. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/01/2016 21:29 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I walked in the restroom of the the place where I work before I clocked in. No more than 10 seconds went by when I heard porn and masturbating from one of the occupied stalls. Sad part is: I'm the janitor, I'm going to have to clean that. FML

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By FML - 14/01/2016 21:23 - United States - Connell

Today, i got home excited to use the $2000 laptop i just bought which took a year of saving because i only get paid to do chores since im too young for a job and found my brother watching porn on it. When i came in, he smashed it to try and hide the evidence. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/01/2016 21:20 - United States - Henderson

Today I discovered my college may have stolen over $20,000 from me by mis-reporting my tuition. They won't answer the phone. Time for a lawyer. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/01/2016 21:14

Today, I got an email saying I am not accepted for another year of studying. Three weeks ago however, I got an email saying I'm more than welcome back. Apparently this was a system glitch. FML

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By annonymous - 14/01/2016 21:06 - United Kingdom - Dorchester

Today, sometime after discovering my ex was into ladyboys and thanks to my online investigations which led me to this discovery, I am still constantly getting "meet chicks with dicks in your area" ads pop up everytime I go online. FML

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By ShitHappens - 14/01/2016 21:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was doing yard work for my parents, when I stepped in dog shit, and got it on both shoes. I spent 20 minutes scrubbing it all off. No more than a half hour later, I stepped in another fresh pile of shit. FML

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The Top

Today, I went out to eat with my aunt and uncle, I barely looked at the male waiter because I'm a shy person. Then my uncle said, "YOU SHOULD TAKE OUT MY NIECE! She's never dated in her life." I'm 19 and my matchmaker is my uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 745

You deserved it 3 354

Today, my dad asked me if I needed crayons for school. I'm going to college this fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 373

You deserved it 225

Today, I was checking out a customer who seemed quite friendly. As I finished, he reached slightly over the counter and I impulsively reached out and shook his hand. He gave me a dumbfounded look and said, "Can I have my change please?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 336

You deserved it 35 134

Today, I was woken up by the sound of my electric piano. It seems my cat is Mozart's reincarnation and, after finding out how to turn the piano on, decided that 3 a.m. is a good time to practice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 040

You deserved it 480

Today, I went to meet a friend for coffee. When I arrived, I mistakenly thought it was a casual meet-up, but apparently, it was a date. I didn’t realize this until she leaned in for a kiss at the end, and I awkwardly offered her a fist bump instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 278

You deserved it 101

Today, I ordered a surveillance camera for my home. The package got stolen after being delivered. I think they're onto me. FML

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You deserved it 266