Nearly FMLs

By ssophhiiieeee - 20/01/2016 12:40 - United States

Today, actually yesterday, I was babysitting a little girl. At one point, she looked up at me and said, "When I grow up, I hope I'm exactly like you...but without the red dots on my face!" FML

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By dreams001 - 20/01/2016 12:36 - United States - Mt Meadows Area

Today, I got mad at my blanket for not covering me. Some yelling and a lecture later, I stopped, realized what I was doing and began to cry. Pregnancy life FML

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By Anonymous - 20/01/2016 12:30 - Australia - Golden Grove

Today, My 16-year-old dog didn't like the carpet cleaning man and was being aggressive towards him, so my mother said she'd put him in the car in the garage. Today was 35 degrees celsius. I told her how stupid her idea was because it could kill him, so she yelled at me for being rude to her. FML

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By WabbyFish - 20/01/2016 12:29 - United States

Today, I got my first ever depression medication. Today, I also what found two of the main side affects are: extremely hard or loose stools. Now I have to decide between having the shits and being constipated, or being depressed. FML

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By dreams001 - 20/01/2016 12:28 - United States - Mt Meadows Area

Today, I wasn't feeling well so I decided to take a nice hot shower. Apparently today is also the day PGandE decided to turn our gas water heater off. FML

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By Fearn - 20/01/2016 12:18 - Anonymous Proxy

Today, I had to laugh when my husband was crying like a baby because he had to get 4 stitches, whereas in the next cubicle our 8 year old daughter, who is quite small for her age, was happily chatting about cartoons with the doctor and nurse who were trying to reset her dislocated shoulder FML

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By lunalia6 - 20/01/2016 12:17 - Belgium

Today, at lunch, I ate a sandwiche with lots of spices and hot sauce, then sneezed and had all the spices and hot sauce flew out my nose. I can't stop sneezing and it burns when I breathe. FML.

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By dreams001 - 20/01/2016 12:12 - United States - Mt Meadows Area

Today, it's my first night alone in a new house. I will be alone for the next 24 hours and the only thing to do is watch tv. Conveniently the tv chose this night to break. FML

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By AussieGirl2014 - 20/01/2016 12:11 - Australia - Merrylands

Today, my 1 and 3 year olds were at their father's for a few hours to give me a bit of a break. I crocheted for a while then went out to bingo. I'm 29.

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By wtf - 20/01/2016 12:11 - Australia - Cleveland

Today, my friend came out as transgender and got a cake but complained because someone used the wrong pronouns. When I came out I got beat up, I still get beat up. FML.

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By matthewperryfan - 20/01/2016 12:07 - United States

I live on a dairy farm with my parents. They are both too old to do much of the hardest work so it falls to me. I'm also their last kid so I don't have any younger siblings to do my work when I want to go somewhere. I hate cows with every fiber of my being. FML

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By pinkiegirltrue - 20/01/2016 12:03

Today, I found out that my high school principal, who I bonded with really well when I was younger, was just charged for sexting a sixteen year old. FML

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By IHaveTheScarToProveIt - 20/01/2016 11:55 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, my friend next to me dropped his heavy pencil case on my foot. It hurt, but I stayed silent and went to pick it up for him, banging my head on the desk in the way down. I involuntary screamed out "DAMN IT TO HELL" in pain, right in the middle of my Religious Education lesson. FML.

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By ohgoodlordjen - 20/01/2016 11:44 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was walking slowly down the hall in my house, this bothered my mother so she decided to push me with both hands on either side of my lower back. I guess she forgot I have a kidney infection that causes intense pain whenever I move or somthing touches near my kidneys. FML.

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By ReptilianLove - 20/01/2016 11:29 - Canada - New Westminster

Today, I was holding one of my Bearded dragons he then decided to run down my chest and onto my thigh and take a shit. of course it was a runny one. FML.

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By Happy Hearted Roustabout - 20/01/2016 11:19 - United States - New York

Today, I met the grandmother of the 6 year old I frequently babysit. She started to make harsh comments with hand gestures and slow pronunciations on the piled up chores. Taking a hint, I did all that. When the parents came back, she gave them her comments about the lazy and stupid "Asian Maid". FML

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By Tejanoswhy - 20/01/2016 11:11 - United States - Rochester

Today, I wasn't feeling well, so I took some antibiotics my doctor prescribed to school and signed them in. Later, when I had to take it, they told me to do it in the break room as there was water there. The principal walked by, saw me, and suspended me on the spot. The office won't cover me. FML

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By Family Matters - 20/01/2016 10:43 - United States

Today, I found out my wife's cousin is also the guy she cheated on me with. FML

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By 2shitz - 20/01/2016 10:33 - United States - San Diego

Today my ex-wife told me she was proposed to and said yes. Now she wants to take the kids to the east coast to move in with this man. The question at hand is, why the fuck did you have sex with me on several occasions the last couple months? FML

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By Pineapple_Salad - 20/01/2016 10:17 - Australia - Perth

Today, on my day off work I was baking a cake and I face planted while holding a full bag of flour. I had to go to the emergency room with a broken, bleeding nose and white powder all over my face. FML

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By Cas_dat_ass - 20/01/2016 09:54 - United States - Winter Haven

Today, I got my make up on point. It looked great and I was kinda confident with my outfit and everything together. Then I get to school and this boy threw his coffee mug at a gate and it got all over me. FML

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By BlueDinosaurs22 - 20/01/2016 09:19 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was on the bus trying to get to class when I sat in a seat soaked in beer. Now everyone thinks I'm a teenage alcoholic. FML.

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By Anonymous - 20/01/2016 09:10 - India

Today,during an important exam my period started. The supervisors wouldn't let me go to the toilet.FML

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By Anonymous - 20/01/2016 08:50 - United States

Today, I was in an elevator by myself when an attractive girl came in. She was on the phone with her friend and said, "I gotta go. There is this cute guy on the elevator with me." She turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I was dying to get off the phone with her." FML.

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By Anonymous - 20/01/2016 08:48 - Germany - Ludwigsburg

Today, I went to a Red Hot Chili Peppers Concert. Too bad they were in fact The Red Hot Chili Pipers, a scottish bagpipe band. FML

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By Jaclinex3 - 20/01/2016 08:23 - United States

Today, I've been binge eating to deal with my anxiety, so I tried an alternative - smoking pot. For the first time in so long I've felt calm and happy and stress free, right up until I cleared out the fridge in a serious case of the munchies. Now I can't stop worrying about getting fat. Fml

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By weldergurl - 20/01/2016 08:14 - Canada - Qu?bec

Today, I considered breaking up with my boyfriend via a personal message through the dating website he has been using regularly. The one he assured me he cancelled his account for two years ago when I caught him on there the first time. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/01/2016 08:07 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today I'm staying with family who refuse the idea that Long Life food goes bad after opening. Apparently that stuff about putting it in the fridge and eating it in 3 days is just small print" and doesn't mean you can't eat room temperature opened jars 3 months later. I fear for our survival. FML

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By My Ass is Burning! - 20/01/2016 07:54 - United States - Dickson

Today, after shaving everything from the waist down, I had an emergency in the toilet. I learned that no amount of spicy food can make your asshole burn more than having diarrhea all over a freshly shaved one. Fml

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By Anonymous - 20/01/2016 07:44 - United States - Warren

Today, I was feeling frisky. I went to my room to look for my vibrator. Due to a lack of privacy brought on by living with my mom and grandma, I hid it a few weeks ago. They won't find it now, and apparently, neither will I. FML.

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Today, the man of my dreams who I met online and have been exchanging messages with day and night for weeks asked the dreaded question: “Can you send me a full body pic?” It’s been 5 years since I had a guy hit me up. I weigh 300 lbs and look like a potato with legs. I don’t wanna lose him. FML

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You deserved it 1 115

Today, I was running late to work so I started getting dressed and brushing my teeth. I got to work 5 minutes late, which is when noticed a toothpaste stain on my shirt. I thought it looked identical to a cum stain, and the worst part was I was wearing black, so it was noticeable. FML

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Today, I tried keeping a surprise secret from my fiance. Turns out, under the influence of my sleeping tablets, which after I take them, I forget everything I've said, I spilled the beans. So much for the surprise. FML

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Today, after screaming at me this morning, my wife has been giving me the silent treatment. We're trying to get pregnant, but she caught me masturbating, or "reducing my sperm count on purpose" as she called it. I just wanted some harmless fun with some porn, since getting pregnant has made actual sex a chore. FML

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Today, a male employee at a shoe shop helped me try on shoes. Once I found a pair, I went to pay for them. I was telling the cashier about how great of an employee he was when she told me there were no male employees. A guy with a foot fetish helped me find shoes. FML

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Today, I spent an hour blaming my dog for a weird smell in the house. I even gave him a lecture about “being a good boy.” I later realized the smell was coming from the ham and cheese omelet I'd left in the microwave two days ago. FML

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