Nearly FMLs

By SleepyGuy - 28/01/2016 09:27 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I finally remembered why I always sleep with my door closed. How did I remember? Well, by my dad blasting dubstep at 4:20 in the morning, obviously. FML

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By sk25 - 28/01/2016 07:48 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my roommate had a girl over while I was trying to go to bed, in the midst of giggling I felt something land on my bed. I woke up the next day to find girl underwear with a massive brown stain laying on my head. FML.

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By Anonymous - 28/01/2016 06:49

Today, I confided in my coworkers that my struggles at work were actually due to severe anxiety and worsening clinical depression. After pouring my heart out and apologizing for struggling, I was fired. FML.

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By spamhands1 - 28/01/2016 06:45 - United Kingdom - Radlett

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend yesterday, she has moved on to the boy who she said I had nothing to worry about while we were going out. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/01/2016 06:31 - United States - Pasadena

Today, my parents called me into their room while I was watching Netflix. Hearing my name called out multiple times, I came running in only to find my step dad and mother fully exposed above the sheets. They came into my room when they were finished and asked me how I liked the show. FML.

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By sadandbroke - 28/01/2016 06:14 - United States - La Puente

Today, I was so depressed I thought about becoming an alcoholic. I became even more depressed when I realized I'm too poor to afford booze. Fml

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By Wtf - 28/01/2016 06:07 - United States - Chevy Chase

Im a diabetic, and today my school went on a field trip to watch a play. About mid-way through the play I began to feel bad, but i didn't do anything about it. I ended up passing out. After the play was over my principle got me up and began to scold me for sleeping during the play. FML

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By uhmhaicats - 28/01/2016 06:04 - United States

Today, at work an older creepy male customer asked for a hug. I didn't want to be mean so I gave him one. I then felt his nose touch my neck and heard him smell me. He looked at me and said, "You smell really good. I'm coming in every day for one now." fml

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By Anonymous - 28/01/2016 05:47 - United States - Dayton

Today, I took care of an incredibly racist patient. Calling me a nigger repeatedly wasn't enough for him, so the shitgoblin threw a bedpan at me. It was full. FML

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By jeff_Lyle - 28/01/2016 05:31 - United States

Today, two girls at school fought over me in chemistry. one was my crazy ex and the other was the girl I'm into. I pulled them off eachother and got a black eye and two broken ribs in the process. FML

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By In Pain - 28/01/2016 05:30 - Canada - Victoria

Today, my cat was lying peacefully on my lap until a car outside backfired. It scared her so badly that as she jumped in the air, she managed to claw my stomach, right through a mole. And my left nipple. FML

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By ChillyChic - 28/01/2016 05:22 - United States - Piqua

Today, my kids and I woke up to a frigid house and no heat. My brother left work to come help. After about 3 seconds of looking, he asked when I had last changed the batteries in the thermostat. Batteries?! What the hell? It's wired into the wall! Two batteries later, I have heat. FML

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By Rainbow_Rhinos - 28/01/2016 05:10 - Australia - Perth

Today, my little brother was sniffling on the floor in the hallway. I went out and asked what happened and he explained how he'd been running with a packet of biscuits when one of them had fallen out and he'd slipped on it. I had to struggle to keep myself from laughing. FML

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By anonymous - 28/01/2016 05:03 - United States - Portland

Today, a new "authentic" Mexican restaurant opened in my very tiny town. Me being me, I decided to get the biggest burrito they had with extra guac and sour cream. 4 hours later, I still haven't left my toilet. FML.

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By iamsofuckedupla - 28/01/2016 04:52 - United States - Arlington

Today, I was driving to volunteer at a concert and I was singing along to something by Alicia Keys. I was going for a high note that was emphasized by my bumper hitting the back of a truck. FML

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By autumnbanshee - 28/01/2016 04:50 - United States

Today, was my husband's day off. He said he wanted to take me to dinner and a movie. We went to IHOP, where he spent the entire time on his phone. Then when it came time for the movie I decided we should watch one at home. He fell asleep before the movie started. At 10 pm.

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By A - 28/01/2016 04:45 - United States - Vallejo

Today, my girlfriend left me for her cousin. FML

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By JHollaBackGurl - 28/01/2016 04:35 - United States - Bothell

Today, my boyfriend suggested we try anal. After asking a million times I told him I had a bad experience with an ex so he would stop pushing it. He got mad that I mentioned my ex and left for the rest of the night. FML.

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By StressPooping - 28/01/2016 04:16 - Canada - Barrie

Today, I made it to my second week at the job that took five months to find, and the only problem is that my manager hounds me constantly. It wouldn't be that big of an issue if I didn't have irritable bowl syndrome, which causes me to experience sudden diarrhea every time I'm stressed. FML

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By blazingshot147 - 28/01/2016 04:14 - United States - Sherman

Today, I was forced to stay home from school because I was unable to even leave my room due to my muscles being uncooperative and I couldn't even take two steps before falling down. Would be alright if I didn't have a test I can't reschedule today... FML.

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By GregFML - 28/01/2016 04:10 - United States

Today, I was at school taking a crap and one kid ran into the bathroom. Wouldn't have been so bad until he ran into the stall next to mine and started playing porn with explosive diarrhea. FML

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By coolvictori - 28/01/2016 03:56 - United States - Arlington

Today, my younger sister clogged the toilet. Not with toilet paper, but with her poop. I had to unclog it. FML

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By hopeless - 28/01/2016 03:53 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I took a girl I really like who had previously 'broken up' with her boyfriend a few weeks ago to dinner and a movie. She said she was over him but found out after I dropped her off, her and her boyfriend screwed for two full hours that same night. FML

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By PuckYouToTheFace - 28/01/2016 03:52 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I'm about a week into a new diet and exercise routine courtesy of my health nut boyfriend. Despite eating unprocessed, fresh foods, I've been suffering from raging diarrhoea since I've started. He insists it's just my body purging itself, and should be over in another week. FML

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By haris1299 - 28/01/2016 03:48 - United States - Concord

Today, my weekend sickness got worse, but my parents still forced me to go to school. I ended up passing out in school. turns out I had a sinus infection, ear infection, Pinkeye in both eyes, and strep throat. my parents thought I was just trying to skip school

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By Anonymous - 28/01/2016 03:48 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my dad had me run a background search on my boyfriend of 3 years who's treated me amazing and is incredible. I found out he's married and has 3 kids. FML

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By Richsauce50 - 28/01/2016 03:43 - United States - Milton

Today, In school my friends and I were joking around. One of my friends whispered to me I was a asshole as a joke. I said ok puta (bitch in Spanish) I forgot I was in Spanish class. My teacher just shook her head in disappointment as she sent me to the office. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/01/2016 03:39 - United States - Ardmore

Today, my mom tried to get my friend and soon to be roommate to move in earlier than planned. My soon to be roommate had already agreed that he should not deal with the stress of moving in while he is dealing with the death of his parent. My mom is straining my relationship with my friend. FML

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By tkullin - 28/01/2016 03:35 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I got a horrible email from my MIL claiming a post I wrote on FB was a personal attack on her because I referenced her favorite dog breed. She is now hysterical and won't talk me despite me apologizing to her and removing it. I guess I'm not getting that ride to my appointment Friday. FML

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By sparkles8595 - 28/01/2016 03:29 - United States - Louisville

Today, I waited five hours alone, after canceling plans with someone else, to skype someone I love. He has been too busy with school for the past three months to be able to call me. Four minutes into it and his internet dies. He gave up and refused to even call me after that. FML

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The Top

Today, you talked loud enough for me to hear you calling me the bad guy, while we’re in the same house. The walls are paper thin. After 19 years, I find out our friendship was a lie? That you used me just to make my parents happy? And I find out now, three weeks before I move out? This is beyond hurtful. I can’t take this. FML

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You deserved it 153

Today, I went to a blood drive. The nurse taking my blood mentioned that she'd been called in on her day off, and she swore she wasn't drunk. I didn't know what to do, so I just smiled and blinked back tears as she savaged the vein in my arm. FML

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Today, I went on my first date in over 4 years with a smoking hot guy. The big event was a trip to Target. I work at Target. He took me to my workplace for our date. And they say romance is dead. FML

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Today, I was out having a nice dinner to celebrate being hired for a job I was really excited for after two places didn't work out in a year. In the middle of dinner, I got an email from the director informing me that the school has to close due to lead levels in the building. FML

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Today, I thought my knee hurt because of over exercising in the gym. Then I remembered it was because I smacked it against my chair so hard I crumbled down and couldn't move for 5 minutes. And how I remembered? I did it again. FML

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Today, my mom found my dad's hidden stash of cigarettes. He told her they were mine and now I have to spend two hours at therapy for my "smoking problem" every weekend. I've never smoked. FML

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