Nearly FMLs

By Up for re-adoption - 28/01/2016 00:46 - United States - Saint Paul

Today I brought home the cute new girl in class only to find my dad sitting horrified on the couch. One emergency family meeting later, I find out she's actually my half sister. My dad must have guessed we've slept together because his method of reassurance was to inform me I'm actually adopted. FML

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By Fudgeeee - 28/01/2016 00:36 - United States - Daly City

Today, I found out my 13 year old daughter was no longer a virgin. When I yelled about how she was too young for sex, she replied with, "and you're too old for it, yet I always hear you and dad in the bedroom." FML

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You deserved it 0

By poopsicle - 28/01/2016 00:29 - United States - Abington

Today, I was taking a dump at work. I had my two-way radio attached to the back of my belt. When I stood up and pulled my pants up, I managed to send the antenna straight up my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 518

You deserved it 4 504

By 0h_Boy - 28/01/2016 00:29 - United States

Today, I went down on my wife. She was really getting into it. So much so that she ended up giving me a bloody nose. FML

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You deserved it 0

By svufreakazoink11 - 28/01/2016 00:17 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, my sister asked me if "janitor" is spelled with a "g". She's in 11th grade. FML

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By ardea_alba - 28/01/2016 00:03 - Russian Federation - Yekaterinburg

Today I woke up to the most sinister Joker-type laughter in the middle of the night. Amidst the blackness I could make out my husband staring at me and sneering. He then fell back and continued sleeping while I lay there scared shitless. It's morning and he has no recollection of it whatsoever. FML

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You deserved it 0

By riperoonie - 28/01/2016 00:00 - New Zealand - Whangarei

Today, my cousin, who is a lifeguard at the local swimming pools, saved a woman from drowning. When she became conscious, she accused him of "raping" her by dragging her to safety. He lost his job and out of pity gets to crash in my room for now. Guess who's in the tent outside. FML.

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You deserved it 0

By kikimajigger - 27/01/2016 23:57 - United States - Medina

Today, my husband will constantly reply to statements such as "I'm hungry" with "Hi Hungry, I'm Dad!". We don't even have children. FML

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You deserved it 0

By JoMarHic - 27/01/2016 23:44 - United States - De Soto

Today, my super religious parents told me I'm going to hell for doing yoga. I'm a weight lifter and I do it to rehab old injuries. I'm also 30, married, and a mother. They think I'm worshipping Buddha. FML.

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You deserved it 0

By CatMom - 27/01/2016 23:41 - United States - Dublin

Today, I put a "cone of shame" on my cat to keep him from accidentally scratching his infected eye again. I left him to go to work. When I came home his eye looked fine, but he was limping. He tripped over the cone and twisted his leg. My cat is a klutz. FML.

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You deserved it 0

By NickACD - 27/01/2016 23:27 - United States - Shawnee

Today, while having a wank session in my bedroom, I heard my father, who was in the living room, loudly say,"With stamina like that you'll please any woman." FML

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You deserved it 0

By Peridorito - 27/01/2016 23:13 - United States - Round Rock

Today, I got marked down on an assignment for "too much detail." FML.

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You deserved it 0

By everyone - 27/01/2016 23:08 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today my fiance just totaled the car. I just bought that car 2 months ago because she totaled out the last one. Now she want me to give her my classic hot rod to drive and now I'm an ass because I said no. FML

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You deserved it 0

By WrongFamily - 27/01/2016 23:05 - Germany - Munich

Today, at school we don't write our names on exams, we receive random-numbers. While I was searching my calculator the guy next to me switched his number with mine. The good news - I answered any question right. The bad news - I'm not the one who received the grade. My teachers don't believe me. FML

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You deserved it 0

By Anon - 27/01/2016 22:59 - United States - Peterborough

Today, I decided that I want break off a toxic relationship with a friend. The thing is, despite this friend being hurtful and mean, this friend has a history of depression and self harm. I can either quit being a doormat and risk her self-harm or I can be a doormat and suffer verbal abuse. FML

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You deserved it 0

By anonymous - 27/01/2016 22:55 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, After about 4 years of not going to the dentist, I went and the dentist and checked my mouth to find 17 cavities. FML

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You deserved it 0

By Jake from State Farm - 27/01/2016 22:53 - United States - Omaha

Today, I watched my orthodontist sneeze directly into his hands, then continue to operate on me, FML

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You deserved it 0

By DrUnlucky - 27/01/2016 22:48 - United States - Cary

Today, I had an 81 year old woman come in for an x-ray. Since her clothes would show up, I had to ask her to change into a gown. I soon found out that 81 year olds still go commando. FML.

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You deserved it 0

By jml142 - 27/01/2016 22:48 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I had a dream my cat was throwing up in my mouth while I slept. I woke up with a mouth full of cat vomit. FML.

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You deserved it 0

By bass_monkeyy - 27/01/2016 22:43 - United States - Urbana

Today, my boyfriend dramatically broke up with me because I have a difficult time consistently planning about our future. We're both still only in high school. FML

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You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 27/01/2016 22:42 - Australia - Biggera Waters

Today, I texted my ex to find out the name of the brand of mattress we bought together for camping. By the end of the conversation he was lecturing me about how to speak to an ex and his new girlfriend was sending me abusive messages from her own phone. That went well. FML

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You deserved it 0

By Jezziejess - 27/01/2016 22:35 - United Kingdom

Today, at the tender age of eighteen, I was ready to be an adult and work in a bar, carefully picking out my nicest top to wear. A regular customer thrice my age looked me up and down, smirked and said I looked like a schoolgirl. FML

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You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 27/01/2016 22:16 - United States - Reston

Today, while at the airport to fly home, I had to use the bathroom. I waited for a stall and the woman smirked and left the bathroom. When I went in there was piss all over the seat and floor. I had to clean it up myself. The person who went after me thought it was me and called me a disgusting. FML

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You deserved it 0

By CamBamShamDaMan - 27/01/2016 22:10 - United States - Saint Augustine

Today, I came home from work and went into my living room and found a dog. I don't own a dog and have no idea how it got in. FML.

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By townyyy7994 - 27/01/2016 22:03 - United States - Hudson

Today, my parents had some friends over. I didn't feel like socializing, due to me not feeling well, so I stayed upstairs and read a book. I went downstairs later after that to get a snack. Everyone was silly, and my mom was bent over the counter and my dad behind her, thrusting. I'm scarred. FML

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You deserved it 0

By Imarriedthisguy - 27/01/2016 21:38 - United States - Greensboro

Today, I had to explain to my husband that when he comes inside me it does not go directly into my stomach. He couldn't understand how I could possibly be hungry after he "just filled it up with sperm." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Scarredforever - 27/01/2016 21:38 - United States - Ashburn

Today, I was trying to help my grandfather sync his iPad. When I went to the web browser to reset his password, the first thing that popped up was porn. He didn't notice. FML.

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You deserved it 0

By heartbreaker - 27/01/2016 21:04 - Tunisia - Gafsa

Today, I broke up with my very needy clingy boyfriend who made me extremely unhappy and was excessively drama. I'm being called a bitch because I'm actually happier without him and because 'only girls can be needy to the point of being annoying. Double Standards. FML.

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You deserved it 0

By WittyMoron - 27/01/2016 21:04 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking through the park with my twelve year old daughter when she asked me if she could have a new phone. The second I told her we couldn't afford it, she ran out the forest to the nearest passerby, screaming her head off, claiming I raped her. They believed her. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By gayhubby - 27/01/2016 20:47 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I found out my husband has a husband. FML

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The Top

Today, my girlfriend texted me to pick her up some medicine because she’s "all plugged up." When I arrived with laxatives, she yelled at me. She meant her sinuses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 734

You deserved it 386

Today, I got a text from my ex-boyfriend telling me he still likes me and might love me too. Later I asked him if he really meant it and his response was "I don't know. I was high." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 023

You deserved it 5 440

Today, I had a softball tournament which also landed on my birthday. My dad had to leave town for work, so he left me a card on my night stand. Instead of a happy birthday, all it said was 'Don't mess up the game for everyone'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 170

You deserved it 2 853

Today, it was my last day with my boyfriend before he went to college. At the store, he got a huge box of condoms. When I asked why he was getting so many, he said they were for the girls he meets at college. He then asked me to steal them for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 017

You deserved it 5 026

Today, I went on a date with a great girl; we went out to dinner and saw a movie. After the movie, we went out to my car to find out that a homeless man had broken the window, climbed into it, and was eating the leftover pasta with his fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 807

You deserved it 1 925

Today, I was taking the bus home from work. I went to pull the cord to request a stop when the driver slammed on the breaks to avoid running a red light, causing me to get thrown out of my seat and slide down the aisle and hit my head on a pole by the front of the bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 423

You deserved it 232