Today, I woke up hungover and with the lovely surprise of my monthly cycle. Now I’m at work, sitting with a blaring faulty fire alarm that I have no way to turn off. Everyone who can fix it is on holiday. FML
Today, I called my husband when his shift at work ended to talk about what we needed to do this weekend. He got angry and asked if he could have "five goddamn minutes" after work to get home and change before I started "throwing the fucking to do list at me." FML
Today, while working at my concessions stand job, I was filling up popcorn boxes when my boss came over and told me I needed to be filling the boxes “a LOT faster.” I was going as fast as I possibly could. FML
Today, it's the 11th anniversary of my dog's adoption, who died a few months ago. I miss her and can’t stop crying. I’m very sick and don’t know if I’ll ever be fit to have a dog again. Loneliness sucks big time. FML
Today, the National College Entrance Examination results were released. I only got 643 points. Far fewer than my expectation. Now I have to prepare for one more exam when I enter the college in September to try my luck. FML
Today, I spilled flour all over the floor and myself, and it took me eight billion years to clean up and there is still flour haunting me. FML
Today, two years after marrying my fun, adventurous fiancée, she's turned into a whiny, nagging bore. Date nights are now "eat leftovers and watch reality TV nights" and sex is once a month, with her asking, "Are you about to finish? Are you almost done?" the whole way through. FML
Today, I started going over my accounts to change passwords after a massive network breach from Google and Facebook. Obviously my online bank account was going to be my first stop. I then realized that this whole time my online account had 2-factor authentication and I never turned it on. I don't know how my account was never hacked. FML
Today, I did laundry and found one lone sock in the washer. Thinking I was done, I left it there and put the rest in the dryer. When I pulled out the clothes, the sock was missing. It was in the dryer all along, but I couldn’t find its partner anywhere. A sock black hole struck again. FML
Today, I quit a group chat full of very talented people drawing, programming, creating game mods, and translating comics. I was invited because of my drawings, but I couldn't talk to them, nor could I show my talents because of the many talented people in there. I quit due to feeling inferior. I HATE my inferiority complex. FML
Today, after two years of chronic usage, I’m 26 days sober off weed. About 2 months off nicotine. One year off psychedelics. But I’m more bored, lonely, sad, and frustrated than ever. Connections scares me as much as I crave them, and what connections I do make barely scratch the surface. I'm doing my best but it feels the worst. FML
Today, I don't know, I guess I'm just tired. Like everything I have done has been for nothing. Yet I can't seem to quit, it's like this is what I was meant for, to just suffer, I had absolutely nothing to do on a Thursday, All I do is go to the gym and come home, and just watch the paint dry. FML
Today, I'm ruining my own life by being incredibly lazy at my new job. It scares me, as my family is dependent on my income, and I love this job too. Why am I always on self-destruct mode? I really want to snap out of it and be hardworking like so many others I know (including my husband). FML
Today, my wife was in labour and bouncing on her inflatable ball to relieve the pain when it popped. This thing has lasted her entire pregnancy and it chose to burst now, sending her crashing to the floor groin first while 8 cm dilated. And as the husband, it is of course all my fault, you bastard. FML
Today, my girlfriend cried that I'm never available for her when she has a difficult time. I do everything I can to be available for her, but I draw the line at spending 30+ minutes at work listening to her cry over the phone. FML
Today, I feel like I’ve failed as a parent. My brilliant college-bound daughter is throwing her life and future away to play “step-mama” with her scummy dropout boyfriend. The loser is 17 with three kids but my daughter is absolutely smitten. Neither my husband nor I can make her change her mind. FML
Today, my wife and I are too much alike. We're both too stubborn to accept any olive branch from each other, even though all we want is to make up, so we just live in this mutual self-inflicted hell. FML
Today, and after I started losing my hair during my high school, my confidence is gone. I've struggled approaching women and have missed many opportunities. I'm 36 years-old now. Today, I connected with someone online, and when I told her about my situation, her response was, "Sorry, I'm not feeling that spark." FML
Today, my best friend since 8th grade died. This follows the deaths of my father in 2023, my divorce, and my mother dying last year. I already had an emotional Mother's Day, and now this. FML
Today, my mom tried a new recipe for dinner. She proudly served what she called "gourmet vegetable stew." One bite later, I had to fight every urge to not gag. She asked me how it tasted, and with a straight face, I said, "Delicious!" She then asked for my honest opinion, so I told her it was, um, "an acquired taste." She hasn’t spoken to me since. FML
Today, I took a quick nap in my car during my lunch break. When I woke up, I had drooled all over myself and had a large wet stain on my shirt. I tried to pretend it was a "sweat stain" but ended up walking into a meeting looking like I'd been caught in a downpour of my own making. FML
Today, I have a good job that I like and excites me. I screwed up by bluffing my updates on an ongoing task. Now I think my manager is onto me, as he wants me to give a presentation about my current work. I have to complete 10 days of work over this weekend. FML
Today, I took my crush to see a movie. During the movie, I made a move and put my arm around her. As I reached over, my hand went straight into the popcorn tub, and I knocked it over. It spilled everywhere, all over her lap, all over me, and on the floor. I spent the next 15 minutes trying to clean up, while she awkwardly avoided eye contact. FML
Today, I biked to work to save gas money and also to be as eco-friendly as I could. A freak April hailstorm pelted me so hard that my helmet cracked. Local news called it “just another Monday.” FML
Today, I cook, clean, do laundry, wash the dishes, clean the bathroom, do grocery shopping, take the mental load for everything, take care of the kids, keep them engaged without screens, have a full-time job, do well at my job, and earn well - which I give to my husband fully. Only for him to ask me, "What do you even do here?" FML
Today, I woke up bleeding from every orifice in my body. I've got a nose bleed from my medication, my gums bled when I brushed my teeth, I'm on my period, and I have hemorrhoids. FML
Today, I finally gathered the courage to confess my feelings to my best friend. As I was about to tell him, he interrupted me and said, “Oh hey, by the way, I met a guy and we’re going on our first date tonight.” I awkwardly said, “Congrats,” and then I went home to eat an entire pint of ice cream by myself. FML
Today, my dad is fighting for his life after a pancreatic cancer diagnosis and a life threatening surgery. I work full time and I visit him when I can, knowing we’re on borrowed time. I come home emotional exhausted and drained, only to be met with a nagging wife that says I’m not prioritizing her or the kids. FML
Today, my worst fear was realised while walking past an under 15’s football game. The ball landed right by me and I attempted to kick it back, except it went flying diagonally & ended up even further away. I’m a 36 year-old man and got roasted by a bunch of 15 year-old boys. FML
Today, I realised that the only thing I am looking forward to this summer is watching Love Island from the comfort and darkness of my shitty couch, because I can't afford to do anything as exotic as going somewhere sunny. FML
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