Today, my 23-year old boyfriend is not talking to me because I bought the regular kind of macaroni and cheese instead of the cartoon kind. FML
Today, my wife spent a ton of money she took from me for a very expensive lingerie because, "it makes her feel more feminine and beautiful." Again. All this stuff just gathers dust in her drawers, and she keeps wearing the same ugly raggedy underwear for 3-4 days in a row, which is actually disgusting. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend to meet my family for the first time. Everyone quickly pointed out how my girlfriend looks very much like my cousin. My girlfriend even agrees. That’s not what I was going off of when I first met her but now I’m having a hard time un-seeing it. FML
Today, it's been six months since I got married and my wife has since gained over forty pounds of unhealthy weight. She's not depressed, she's very happy with the marriage, she's just "comfortable" now. We are in our early thirties, and we started off as workout partners. I've been going to the gym alone. FML
Today, I had awesome sex with my ex. Again. I broke up with her a few weeks ago as she admittedly hadn't been attracted to me anymore in a long time. Now she says that after we broke up she doesn't feel any pressure anymore, and can enjoy sex with me again like she did before she moved in with me. FML
Today, I found out that my kids hate and are actively ignoring me; my wife is bipolar and she swears she hates me too after over 20 years of marriage, and my job sucks the life out of me every single day. FML
Today, I’m so over my boyfriend smoking too many cigarettes, and I hate cigarettes. The smell is just disgusting and plus it makes my nose stuffy. And he gets ashes everywhere. Plus he always leaves his room a mess. Other than him being financially stable and fun, he's such a slob. FML
Today, I met my ex from the college, and he invited me to dinner. Back then, he was rude and a bit abusive, but I agreed anyway. The man I saw today is loving, caring and fun, with a good job, and I really liked his wife. On the other hand, I'm between jobs, and my relationship's turned into the utter bore. FML
Today, I'm thoroughly convinced that my ex is lying about being in new relationships so she can burrow her way into my head/get my attention. Only problem is, we're in the same social circle, and if I call her on it, I'll look like a jealous idiot and my friends won't back me up. I just want these games to end. FML
Today, I'm in love with my friend, and he's in love with me. The problem? We're both married to other people. We're not acting on it and we're going to do the right thing, which is letting it go, but my heart is broken in a million pieces right now. FML
Today, my wife asked me to smack her ass as a sign of affection, so I did, she liked it, and we had sex. This afternoon I walked past and smacked her ass again. I now have a bruised eye, ringing in my left ear, and a severe warning to never do that again. Why? FML
Today, I walked 30 minutes with my new boyfriend from my chalet to the local supermarket, cutting through the woods. It was dark, but the moon shone bright and we had torches. He was so scared, he startled at every noise and even cried. When we got to town, he dumped me, and left on the next train. FML
Today, my wife (who changed her mind about converting for me after we married) now wants me to set her friends up with guys I grew up with from the same church. She’s offended that my family doesn’t trust her friends, and wants me to be outraged on their behalf. FML
Today, I found out that my ex tries to ruin my dates, and constantly asks our friend about me and why I don’t talk to her. She broke up with me over text because of the distance between us, after ghosting me for two weeks. We both knew that it would be a long-distance relationship due to her going to uni. FML
Today, I moved my kids and myself into my parents' house. My soon to be ex-husband keeps calling me from different numbers, crying for me to take him back. The sorry bastard kissed his best friend instead of me at midnight on New Year's Day because I was attending to my son who was afraid of fireworks. FML
Today, the guy I was hopelessly crushing on 4 years ago who told me, and I quote, “I’d rather stab my dick with pins & needles and dip it in lemon juice than go out with Miss Piggy.” is now saying, “Wow, hun you look great! You know, I always liked you, can we give it another shot?” I’ve lost 65 pounds. FML
Today, my uncle was supposed to be the officiant at my wedding but he and my dad teamed up to make a joke about how this was actually my fiancé's funeral. Everyone laughed, except my fiancé. He burst into tears and ran from the altar. We can’t find him and he’s not answering his phone. FML
Today, my ass of a husband to be stood me up at the altar. He embarrassed me in front of everyone. It was humiliating. All because apparently he’s now not OK with the mistake I made. Yes, I slept with your father, but don’t say you forgive me then leave me crying in front of everyone. FML
Today, I turned off my boyfriend's Xbox while he was playing because I wanted to talk to him about getting more serious with our relationship. As I did so, he said, "That's not the only thing you just turned off" and promptly broke up with me. FML
Today, in a heat of an argument, my boyfriend of almost 7 years of relationship said, "You are not part of my family, you do not pay my bills, so do not put your opinion here." All because I wanted to give my opinion on a new apartment that I'll be living in with him and his family after our wedding in few months. FML
Today, my girlfriend threw a bitch fit about her clothes not fitting and how she’s “so fat” to the point of storming out of the house when I asked her to please calm down. Just a couple of hours earlier, we'd ordered food and she ordered a salad, then asked to trade my burger and fries with her. FML
Today, if I don't do work around the house, my girlfriend will call me a lazy pig and yell at me. If I do, she will yell because I didn't do it the right way. If I ask her to clarify the right way, she will call me a dumbass, give useless instructions, and work herself up into yelling at me. FML
Today, I literally caught my husband with his prick in another woman’s mouth and he had the nerve, the actual nerve, to tell me, "It’s not what it looks like, babe", all while trying to stuff his lipstick-coated knob back in his pants. CRETIN. IDIOT. CHEATING SCUM. FML
Today, it was my girlfriend's birthday. She decided that her "gift to herself" would be to leave the loser who has been holding her back for two years. Hello, my name is Ben, and I'm that loser. FML
Today, I realized I'm trapped. I might be heading into an abusive relationship that I won't be able to escape, but I can't leave because then I'd break his heart and I love him too much for that. FML
Today, my girlfriend refuses to follow her doctor-mandated diet, which results in, among other things, utterly rancid gas. It's so foul that I've taken to sleeping on the couch, and I'm seriously considering hiring a prostitute so I can have sex without gagging on the stench. FML
Today, I went on yet another date with this beautiful young lady from my job. I can’t help but feel bad because ever since my wife gave birth to our kid she’s been sluggish and puffy, and I’m not attracted to her anymore, but I don’t know how to leave her because my son would be without a father. I hate this. FML
Today, I, someone who has experienced only one romantic relationship in my 35 years (which ended 8 years ago), was hit on by a homeless drug felon client at work. FML
Today, while sitting next to me, my boyfriend sent a text to one of his "friends" saying, "I'm thinking of you." FML
Today, my girlfriend confessed to me that she actually has three kids, so if we marry I’ll be a "step-daddy." We’ve only been dating for four weeks and she’s already talking marriage and some other dude's kids. I was out of the door so fast. Four weeks wasted. FML
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