Today, I started a new school, after moving from England to New York. People only talked to me just to hear my accent. FML
Today, I was at dinner with my boyfriend. About 30 minutes into dinner and I see my exes come in, one by one. In the end, they were all sitting at the same table. My boyfriend got up and went to the bathroom. He came back and sat down with them. Apparently my boyfriend went through my phone and called all of them. FML
Today, I ran into a former college classmate at Subway. He gushed on and on about how I was the only one in our class with true potential. Then I asked him what kind of sandwich he wanted, because 3 years out of college, Subway is still the only place that will hire a music major. FML
Today, I was quickly eating lunch during a work meeting. I ended up inhaling some of my sandwich so I've had toast stuck in my sinuses for the last hour. FML
Today, my dormant eczema decided to come back with a vengeance - on my scrotum. I work in an open office and can't scratch unless I repeatedly run into the restroom. FML
Today, my girlfriend loves giving blowjobs; the problem is she is very bad at them, refuses to admit she is bad at them, and cries and stops talking to me every time I try and tell her how to do it better. My knob is red and sore where she keeps catching it with her teeth. FML
Today, I discovered a cool song called, "I Don't Wanna Die" by a Korean band, VINCIT. Wanting to find out more about it, I googled its title. Instead of relevant results, I got the phone number to a suicide prevention hotline. To make things worse, now all my social media are filled with ads about suicide prevention. FML
Today, I moved into my first house and realised pretty quick that my estate agent lied to me about how great this neighbourhood was. I was in the house for 30 minutes when I heard the neighbours having a screaming domestic in their garden, then a brick flew over the fence and broke my eye socket. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. My date turned out to be my cousin's ex. Awkward doesn't even begin to describe it. We spent the entire dinner avoiding eye contact and pretending not to know each other. FML
Today, I got stuck in an elevator with a guy I have a bit of a crush on. Trying to break the awkward silence, I made a joke about our situation, saying, "Well, at least we're not on a desert island." He replied, "Yeah, but I'd still prefer the island; at least then I could escape." FML
Today, I interviewed my first person ever for the store I’m opening. She was not a good fit and I told her so. She took it really personally. She later sent several nudes to my personal cell, “to say thank you.” My wife saw them immediately. FML
Today, I decided to try a new hair removal cream. Turns out, I'm allergic to it. My face now looks like a tomato with eyebrows. FML
Today, I thought I was being smooth by using a pickup line on a cute barista. I confidently said, "Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears." She replied, "Actually, I'm a barista, and everyone else is waiting for their coffee. Next!" FML
Today, my husband has a biker chick Facebook friend and this morning he posted on her page, calling her "the prettiest girl at the barn dance." She's a "friend" of mine as well, so I saw it in my feed. I asked him WTH? He got mad at me, accused me of spying on him, and now won't speak to me. FML
Today, after weeks of slaving away, I finally wrapped up the last house project on the backlog. I decided to take a day to relax around the house in celebration. My wife spent all day following me around, moaning that I never go anywhere, and that she never gets any space. FML
Today, I came back to work after being out for a week. As I walked to the back of the store, I threw my hands up and yelled, "I'm back bitches". Right after I said it, I noticed my boss was behind me. I was then taken to the office and wrote up for foul language on my first day back. FML
Today, I'm in hospital after a bad accident. An old friend of mine came to my ward, looked around, and asked if I needed any help. I asked him to stay and talk a bit, because we haven't seen each other since his wedding. He said, "Nah bro, I gotta go, or my wife will kill me. We're planning a sex night, by the way", and left. FML
Today, I was on the train and a woman approached me from behind and told me that if I didn’t stop staring at her, she’d kill me slowly and painfully, then she pulled out a switchblade to support her argument. I wasn’t looking at her at all and was in fact looking in the opposite direction. FML
Today, I was working from home and had an important meeting with my superiors. It was fine until my sleepy wife came in and asked if I could find a better time for calls. I didn't notice her right away and failed to disable my camera. She was fully naked, and I received an email about inappropriate behaviour later. FML
Today, I failed to notice a nice ripe pile of dog poop on my front yard until I got to work. I tried to clean my shoe off with alcohol wipes in the bathroom. Not only did it barely work, the wipes are non-flushable. FML
Today, we got a notification about a test in my official college group. I decided to bitch about it with my friends in our group… Unfortunately, I didn't realise I'd actually said all of it in the official college group. FML
Today, I was working on entering a lot of information in the system. When I'd finished, I closed the screen to move on to the next steps, my boss came by to see how I was doing, just in time to see me looking at a now-blank screen. I'm convinced that my boss thinks I closed a screen that wasn't work related. FML
Today, I discovered the office coffee machine had been replaced with a complex espresso maker. I'm so introverted that instead of asking for help, I spent the day googling how to operate it, all to end up with a cup of lukewarm frothed milk. FML
Today, after meeting the love of my life two weeks ago and moving him in to start our life together, my kids have run off to live with their dads. Apparently they are “not dealing with another new dad.” FML
Today, I went to a party that had a "dress like rock stars" theme. I got all the gear necessary to dress as Ozzy Osbourne. A wig, round sunglasses, a crucifix on beads, the usual stuff. Not one person at the party knew who Ozzy Osbourne was. Nor Black Sabbath for that matter. Someone thought I was Meatloaf. FML
Today, I got lost, and eventually noticed that I'd passed by the same house a few times. Apparently somebody who lives on that street noticed as well, because the next time I passed by, the police were waiting for me. FML
Today, my boss told me to not burn the place down while she was outside. When she came back inside, I accidentally started a fire. FML
Today, I don't know what to do to be a good husband. In my wife's eyes, I can’t do anything right. I asked to have more quality time with her but she would rather play video games than spending time with me. I don’t know what to do. FML
Today, I found out my husband and I are banned from family gatherings, all because he was my sister’s ex-husband. They need to come to terms with #1, that was 2 years ago; #2 we’re obviously a better fit for one another. If he was "the One", he’d still be hers; #3 you can’t force someone to love you when they don’t. FML
Today, I received a "Reply All" email from a colleague, in which they vented their frustration with our boss. Unbeknownst to them, our boss was included in the distribution list. Our whole open plan office became a silent comedy of awkward glances. FML
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