Today, I explained to my husband how much it bothers me when he constantly talks about one of his coworkers. He listened closely, never interrupted me, and seemed genuinely sorry afterwards. While he was consoling me and telling me that he'll stop, he called me by her name… three different times. FML
Today, I carried my golf bag from the club house to my car. When I got there, my rear pocket got caught in a zipper on the bag. I couldn't get them separated. I had to take my pants off to fix it. Yes, three couples walked by, pretending not to notice. Had it not happened to me, I would not believe this story. FML
Today, I got pulled over by a cop car. As I was fumbling for my license and registration, I handed the officer a half-empty bag of Doritos I’d forgotten was in my glove box. He thought I was trying to bribe him. FML
Today, I went on a blind date set up by my best friend. When I got there, my "date" was my ex. My best friend knew, and she thought it would be "funny" to see how we would react. FML
Today, my boss overheard me in a bathroom stall talking about how much I hate my job and couldn’t stand him. He didn’t say a word, I hadn't even heard him come in, I just noticed him staring silently at me through the crack in the stall, before leaving. FML
Today, I found out that we have six skunks under my shed. While I was mowing the lawn, they all came out and sprayed me. FML
Today, I got food poisoning from a restaurant that I had chosen for our company party. Everyone who went blamed me for their predicament. I also had to run to the toilet every ten minutes while they were all mad at me. FML
Today, I received a text from my boyfriend breaking up with me. Not only was this a bit cowardly but he'd also sent it in a reply to our last interaction on our phones, a group chat with some of our friends, who started commenting with sad face emojis before I had even had the chance to see it. FML
Today, I was nervously observing a delicate medical procedure while training at my new job. I tried to stifle a sneeze and instead (as you can probably guess) ripped the biggest, most cartoonishly loud fart of my life. My ass sounded like a tuba and I was asked to leave the room. FML
Today, I discovered that the man I have been talking to on a dating site is actually my ex-boyfriend. He created a fake profile and made me fall for someone that doesn't exist. We got on better anonymously than we ever did in 3 years together. FML
Today, I found out that my landlord had been showing my apartment to new tenants without telling me, when I woke up this morning to a family of four staring at me scratching my nuts whilst watching TV on my couch in my pajamas, horrified. FML
Today, I was trying to propose to my girlfriend when some scumbag snatched the ring and bolted. I chased him down, tackled him, and punched him until he gave the ring back. Now my girl is upset, crying, "What if he was hungry and needed to buy food? You didn't have to hurt him." FML
Today, I secretly took a day off work, since I had to use up my vacation, and wanted a "me day." My wife called, and I was ready to pretend to be at work. Too bad the cat decided to come up behind me and meow loudly, alerting my wife that I was home. She's pissed. FML
Today, I tried to log into Facebook, only to find I can't. Every time I try, no matter what device I'm on, I get an error message. I have no idea how to fix the problem, even after lots of searching. Even worse, I can't use Messenger either. My friends don't believe me, and think I'm simply ignoring them. FML
Today, after my dad and I had a real heart to heart and even settled some differences last night, this morning he was back to his grumpy asshole self. He even asked what he did last night, because he was on the new painkiller his doctor prescribed, and couldn’t remember a thing. FML
Today, I texted my exes, not because I missed them, but because I wanted to know how their pets were doing. This holds true for at least four relationships. FML
Today, I discovered that my neighbors had held a secret "meeting" to discuss how annoying my "constant singing" as I go about my days in my apartment. They even made a petition, with over ten signatures, asking me to "cease and desist." FML
Today, my dentist told me I have 8 cavities. I'd jokingly bragged about never having a single cavity for 25 years right before he started checking. He laughed and said, "Well, that lucky streak is over!" then went on to drill the shit out of my teeth. I still can't feel the left side of my face. FML
Today, I was singing the National Anthem at a school game and totally forgot the words. So I kept singing the same two lines over and over. FML
Today, I got my phone fixed after the screen had been shattered for four months straight. Then, the moment they handed it to me, it fell straight to the floor and shattered. Again. FML
Today, I've been working for a company for six months, but I still don't know my job fully because my trainer is difficult. He would get mad because I'd wait until he was done explaining before asking questions, so I changed and asked as soon as he said something I didn't know, but would get, "Well, if you'd let me finish…" FML
Today, I got a flat tire. While trying to change it, I dropped my phone down a storm drain. I had to hitchhike home, and the guy who picked me up told me he wasn't even sure I wasn't a serial killer. I told him I wasn't. He then said, "That's what a serial killer would say." FML
Today, I found out that my manager has been stealing my ideas. The worst part? He made me work overtime to complete the project that I originally proposed. FML
Today, the train to work was both late and almost empty. The city deserted with barely a soul in sight. It wasn’t until arriving at the office that I realised everything is closed due to a Public Holiday. I’m new to this state and not one colleague or acquaintance mentioned it. FML
Today, it was a really slow day at work. One thing lead to another, and soon enough we were all taking turns shoving each other across the office on a swivel chair. Our boss came in during my turn, and I got singled out for a verbal warning. Everyone else got off with a disapproving glare. FML
Today, I had my first gig with my new band. I was concentrating on my guitar during the second song when I tripped over the singer's microphone cable, hit my head on the bass drum, and blacked out. When I came to, people were applauding, apparently thinking it was part of the act. FML
Today, I got my first big promotion at work. Excited, I shared the news with my parents. My mom responded with, "That’s nice, dear, but your sister just got engaged," and hung up to go back to celebrating with her. FML
Today, I was having a romantic dinner with my girlfriend when she said she had a confession. I expected something cute. Instead, she told me she’s been "reconnecting" with her ex for the past month... and wants to go back to him. FML
Today, I had to serve my boyfriend's father with a restraining order. FML
Today, it's been five days since I finally made it to my dream vacation destination, after months of planning, saving, and dreaming. I got food poisoning within hours of arriving and I've spent the last five days in my hotel room, staring at a toilet. FML
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