Today, I found out that my house has termites and my family, from whom I'm renting the place, says I might have to move. I don't have the funds for that right now. FML
Today, I just got a girlfriend who I love a lot, but I’m friends with this other girl out of pity. It’s so obvious she likes me a lot, and even goes the extra mile for me, but she’s just not my type. I’ve contemplated many times how to get rid of her without hurting her feelings. I just can’t bring myself to do it. FML
Today, a colleague was telling me she still breastfeeds her 4 year-old son, and that she has breastfed kids of her neighbours too. She kept talking about it and I ended up staring at her ample breasts. She noticed and asked me if I wanted too. Now I don’t know what to do. FML
Today, my dog of 10 years died suddenly. My husband’s response? “At least you don’t have to buy dog food anymore." FML
Today, I was drunkenly showing my juggling skills at a party with three apples. I nailed it until one flew out of my hand, hit a guest in the face, and knocked their drink all over the host’s new beige couch. FML
Today, the passport office lady asked, “You really wanna use THAT photo? Passports are valid for 10 years you know.” I thought it was a great photo of myself. FML
Today, I was trying to sleep when I saw a head looming from the darkness with no eyes and a mouth open like a silent scream. I just froze and pissed myself. It was my daughter wanting to cuddle with us. Alas, the bed was wet, so she got put back in her bed, while we had to share the sofa downstairs. FML
Today, I went to urgent care for cloudy vision and eye pain to rule out an infection. They freaked out and pressured me into going to the ER, implying I could lose my vision. Several hours and thousands of dollars later, I just have dry eyes. I hate our healthcare system. FML
Today, unlike what you may have joked about with your friends, I actually did meet people who told me to "take a hit or we'll beat the shit out of you." I got picked up by my mom 20 minutes later like planned. When my mom noticed I was high, she grounded me for the "rest of high school." FML
Today, marks the sixth day in a row that my mum has called me to discuss my upcoming wedding. She's obsessed and has intimidated the actual planner I hired into going along with her plans. She's slipped up twice already and accidentally referred to it as her own wedding. Just great. FML
Today, my application for a holiday role at a department store was declined because I was "not as qualified as some other candidates." I worked this exact same job at this exact same store last year. FML
Today, despite my warnings, my only son married a girl I hate. To protest their marriage, I wore a white dress to the wedding. Her maid of honor "tripped" and spilled red wine all over me. FML
Today, I made my way to bed around 4am after spending all night hanging out with my family. When I got to my bed, I started to clear a spot to lay down. Almost immediately, my hand touched something furry and cold and, fearing the worst, I turned the light on. Turns out my cat left me a half eaten rodent. FML
Today, I learned that for the next two months I'll get to train physicians on how to use the computer program that has made my job obsolete. I've known this program was coming for months, but I didn't know it would be taking my job. FML
Today, back when my son had an imaginary friend at 3 years-old it was cute; when he was 7 it was concerning; now he’s 15, still talks to him, and is refusing to see a therapist, even though I’m genuinely scared, it’s a thin line between imaginary friends and hearing voices in your head. FML
Today, I slept on the couch last night. Not because of an angry significant other, but because my bedroom was absolutely freezing, thanks to the wind. It was like a giant freezer. Even fully cocooning myself in blankets with a sweater on didn't work. I should get a space heater. FML
Today, I was late for class and I had to run to catch my bus, which only stops near our house twice a day. I made it to the doors just as they closed, and the bus drove away… with my sweaty reflection staring back at me in the moving bus door window. FML
Today, a cop pulled me over and asked if I knew why. I panicked and blurted out, "Because I just killed someone?" He just stared at me in disbelief and said, "No, because your taillight's out. Should I be concerned?" FML
Today, I feel very lost. I have been in and out of psych wards so much. It's so bad, the ER nurse knows me as "the AI coder guy" and the people in the mental health wards know me by first name, and have a "welcome back" thing each time. It's so embarrassing. FML
Today, I got a text from my boyfriend whilst on the train home from spending the weekend with him at his grandparents' house. It said, "Gran says to tell you that the bin beside the toilet is actually for storing spare shampoos and toothbrushes, so could you not put your tampons in it next time?" FML
Today, I went out for dinner with my crush and expressed my love for her. She responded by saying that we should know that this is the real thing, and to do so we needed to date other people and let time bring us together. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend’s parents for the first time. I got nervous and tried to say, "Nice to meet you, I’ve heard a lot about you!" when I should’ve just said, "It’s nice to meet you." To make things worse, it came out as, "Nice to hear you, I’ve met a lot about you." FML
Today, my toddler started chirping, "Mommy’s on the toilet!" while I was in a public restroom at our local mall. She also knocked on the stall door to make sure everyone was made aware of our exact location. FML
Today, I found out my "best friends" have gone on a crazy weekend and they didn't invite me. FML
Today, I was so tired at work that I stared at the microwave waiting for my food. It was a full minute before I realized I'd never actually turned it on after I'd put the food in it. FML
Today, after finally getting over my ex, it felt like it was time to climb back into the dreaded dating pool. I also recognized that I need to get in shape to maximize my chances, so I went running. Half a mile in, I tripped over my own feet, landed face-first in a bush, and had to walk home covered in leaves. FML
Today, on my first day as a substitute teacher in a high school, I split the seam of my trousers in front of 30 teenagers. I had nothing spare so I spent the rest of the school day with my raincoat tied around my waist hiding it. I’m here for two weeks and already I’ve lost their respect FML
Today, they say our bowels are like a second brain. Well, mine seem to have the brain of an 8-year-old, because we’ve been playing “Attack of the Monster Poo” for five consecutive days now. Of course, like any self-respecting monster, it only attacks when you're asleep, then again once you've let your guard down. FML
Today, I realized my gym crush has only been smiling at me because I’ve been using the equipment completely wrong for weeks. FML
Today, I met my biological parents for the first time, 29 years into my life. They turned out to be two of the most pathetic people I have ever met, and the meeting ended after they asked me to lend them money because I "literally owe them my life." FML
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