All the FMLs

Missed opportunities, mixed signals

By Anonymous - 25/11/2024 15:00 - United Kingdom - Bexleyheath

Today, a friend told me he thought I was hot and we ended up having lunch together. I like him and we’ve already arranged a second date, but when I mentioned this to someone else, she got pretty upset. Turns out she liked me and had been dropping hints for a while. No clue what’ll happen to my friendship with her… FML

I agree, your life sucks 455

You deserved it 168

Desperate times

By jeana - 25/11/2024 12:00 - United States

Today, I was so desperate to pee that I used the only bathroom in the convenience store I was in, which was “Employees Only.” Well, the door got stuck and I had to get an employee to let me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 281

You deserved it 342

Constant surveillance

By mister fixit? more like mister fuxit - 25/11/2024 09:00 - United States - New York

Today, I made the mistake of taking apart and fixing a malfunctioning toaster in front of my five year-old. Two hours later, he tried to take apart a lamp that was plugged in. He shocked himself, broke the lamp, and set the carpet on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 463

You deserved it 275

Forever alone

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I was at a family get together with distant relatives. My grandma made a point to say how all of the grandkids brought their boyfriends or girlfriends. She looked at me, then turned to everyone and said, "But not our Becky! She's more interested in her cats right now than finding a man." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 458

You deserved it 6 957

Mother knows best

By ninithel - 25/11/2024 03:00 - United Kingdom - Hull

Today, I have fibromyalgia and ADHD. I either have no energy, no focus, or no energy for anything, or I burn out trying to do everything. Meanwhile, my mother is adamant that I can be "cured" if I stop eating sugar. I'm allergic to most sweeteners and she won't believe me, and thinks she knows better than my doc. FML

I agree, your life sucks 468

You deserved it 125

Small world

By Anonyme - 25/11/2024 00:00 - United States

Today, I went to my local grocery store in sweatpants and slippers to pick up some hangover food, thinking I wouldn’t run into anyone I know. I ran into my ex, her new partner, and his parents… twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 340

You deserved it 322

Failed

By Secret - 24/11/2024 22:00 - United States - Davison

Today, I looked at my boyfriend of four years's phone. He may not be cheating, but he was trying, and got shot down five times by three different women. Pathetic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 578

You deserved it 120

Contracted

By Anonymous - 24/11/2024 20:00 - United States - Miami

Today, I finally got an offer for a salaried position with the company I've been working for as a contractor for the past two years. They offered less than what I make now, but hey, benefits! FML

I agree, your life sucks 437

You deserved it 125

Tea leaf

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Lafayette

Today, I found the purse that some asshat stole from my 15-year-old sister a few days ago. I found it in my now ex-boyfriend's closet. When I confronted him, he broke up with me for "invading" his privacy and kicked me out, without the purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 768

You deserved it 4 032

Never gonna give you up

By I’m not like other guys! - 24/11/2024 15:00 - United States - Anaheim

Today, my crazy ex has scared off yet another great woman. Thanks to all the douchebags that use “crazy ex” as an excuse to for their own shit behavior, no one believes me that mine is legitimately crazy. I didn’t cheat or mistreat her, I left because of her control and jealousy issues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 503

You deserved it 111

What more do you need?

By Anonymous - 24/11/2024 12:00 - United States

Today, we have elevators at my work, but you need to go to HR to get a key. I was denied one after I almost died in a car accident because I didn’t look “hurt enough.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 532

You deserved it 101

Sleep cycled out

By ninithel - 24/11/2024 09:00 - United Kingdom - Hull

Today, I'm doing the school run. I went to bed early and took a sleeping pill for my insomnia so I could be productive. Even if I could sleep past my partner snoring like a cave bear with sinus infection, it turns out that my sleeping pills make me hyper. The next person who says ADHD is fun is getting slapped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 395

You deserved it 153

High hopes

By mywillyisdisappointed - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went out with a girl I've been dating. I dropped her off and she finally asked me if I wanted to come in. When I did, she asked me to change a light bulb in her kitchen, and then promptly sent me home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 164

You deserved it 3 536

Plough me out

By Snow joke, I feel like hell - 24/11/2024 03:00 - United States

Today, snow finally arrived in my area, in very large quantities. Also today, I seem to have caught my dad's cold. The town is too snowed in for traveling and my medications are running low, so I guess we'll suffer together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 354

You deserved it 116

Turned out OK

By Lauren - 24/11/2024 00:00 - Australia

Today, I found my high school diary and decided to read it for nostalgia. My teenage self wrote, “Future me will totally be rich, famous, and married to Chris Hemsworth by 30.” I’m 32, single, and googling “How to fix a clogged toilet.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 407

You deserved it 188

Classic

By Anonymous - 23/11/2024 22:00 - Belgium

Today, I tried to be nice and held a door open for someone. I didn’t realize they were actually far away, so I ended up awkwardly standing there for 30 seconds while they power-walked towards me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 322

You deserved it 215

Breaking news

By Anonymous - 23/11/2024 20:00 - United States

Today, I was feeling motivated to improve my unhealthy miserable life and went for a jog. Halfway through, I tripped on my own shoelace and scared a couple walking their dog. According to my wife, it's already been gossiped about in our neighborhood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 410

You deserved it 133

Beep beep

By Crash - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I saw a woman still texting on her phone as she started to drive away when the light turned green. I made sure to stare her down and give her a dirty look because she wasn't paying attention to driving. She laughed as I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 290

You deserved it 62 672

It came from outer space

By Martian man - 23/11/2024 15:00 - United States

Today, I saw the woman I asked out last month in a relationship with another guy. She rejected me because she “wanted to focus on herself.” I texted her and asked why she had lied to me. She responded with, “Okay, you caught me. But can you blame me? I’m not attracted to butt ugly Martian-looking men.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 234

You deserved it 749

Confused as hell

By Anonymous - 23/11/2024 09:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked into the kitchen to grab a snack, only to forget why I was there. I left and remembered what I wanted, but when I came back, I forgot again. I did this three times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 403

You deserved it 195

Dream baby dream

By ugh - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Troy

Today, I woke up from an explicit dream involving my dentist. I'm scheduled for a conscious sedation appointment with him in two hours and I'm terrified of what I might say or do while I'm under. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 482

You deserved it 3 489

Human?

By Jei Dee Eme - 23/11/2024 03:00 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I went to work 8:30 am. Human stayed home. Got home at 5pm. Human is working on his music at home. It is 7:11 pm and Human is still on his computer working on the same song, on replay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 116

You deserved it 403

Oddly specific reason

By jesse - 23/11/2024 00:00 - United States - Denver

Today, I went out to dinner with a cute, funny, smart, amazing girl. Or at least I thought she was cute, until she started coughing after her meal. She explained that she coughs after she eats. Can you say dealbreaker? FML

I agree, your life sucks 116

You deserved it 896

It's not what you think!

By HenryJ - 22/11/2024 22:00 - Australia

Today, I spilled water on the front of my pants right before a meeting so I tried drying them with the hand dryer in the bathroom. A coworker walked in just as I was awkwardly squatting in front of the machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 358

You deserved it 148

Exhausted

By Anonymous - 22/11/2024 20:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I so obviously dozed off during a video call at work. Afterwards, my manager messaged me asking if I was OK. I was mortified, and now I'm "on his watch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 136

You deserved it 449

Rare and inventive insult

By fuck you - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I asked the man of my dreams out on a date. His response: "I'd rather eat my own balls." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 683

You deserved it 3 853

Drama queen

By Such a Karen - 22/11/2024 15:00 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I tried making a dramatic exit during an argument, but my jacket got stuck on the door handle. My epic moment was ruined as I wrestled to free myself while my opponent just stood there, laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 150

You deserved it 442

Happy dance!

By Got the job anyway, so whatevs - 22/11/2024 12:00 - United States - New York

Today, after five years of working a soul-sucking dead end job, I was offered an amazing role in a new field. When the HR rep told me, I was so excited that I screamed at the top of my lungs, cheered like a maniac, and started laughing so hard I cried.I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm off my meds now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 178

You deserved it 530

Lord give me strength

By caitlyn - 22/11/2024 09:00 - United States

Today, my adult daughter was hospitalized for severe fever, diarrhea, and fainting. The doctor couldn't find any cause other than sleep deprivation, because I started making her wake up at 7 am. I’ve never met anyone so ridiculously weak in my entire life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 232

You deserved it 853

Woozy

By Dunzo15 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had my first job interview and didn't have much of an appetite because of the nerves, so I grabbed a brownie that my roommate had left in the fridge and ate it on the train ride in to the city. About 20 minutes into my interview, I was so stoned I couldn't speak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 202 832

You deserved it 52 171

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The Top

Today, I got hit by a USPS truck. Luckily, I have car insurance. Just kidding. My insurance got cancelled two days ago for lack of responding to letters they sent. Letters that the USPS didn't deliver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 627

You deserved it 2 226

Today, during a driving lesson, I stopped behind a taxi, and got more and more annoyed when the traffic wouldn't move. A few minutes later, my instructor couldn't hold his laughter any more and pointed out I'd somehow zoned out and entered a taxi rank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 646

You deserved it 6 971

Today, I heard that there's a rumour going around that I was caught masturbating while crying at a party after the girl I liked got with someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 634

You deserved it 349

Today, my crush and I were talking about hypothetical situations. I told her, "I love you hypothetically." She said, "I love me too." I even got rejected hypothetically. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 243

You deserved it 706

Today, I called into work because of a family emergency. My boss was understanding; my coworker? He tore me a new one because his wife wanted him to take the day off, which he didn't because it was going to be a tough day at work. He also threatened to find a way he could get me fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 138

You deserved it 111

Today, it was my the last day of my time off work for my birthday weekend and I had so much fun, but I was thinking about my ex-fiancé for a lot of the time because I still haven’t gotten closure with that situation. All I wanna do is SCREAM because I just turned 30, got dumped and have to keep on going. FML

I agree, your life sucks 337

You deserved it 237