Today, I was watching "My Strange Addiction". The woman featured ate rocks. While judging her weird habit, I realised I was chewing on a coat-hanger the whole time. FML
Today, my little sister had her second son. She is 31 and she named her sons after her favorite television characters, Sam and Dean Winchester. She has made it her life goal to make sure her husband never finds out. FML
Today, my 17-year-old son managed to easily convince my 13-year-old daughter that if you have sex before getting married, you'll instantly get horrible diseases that will kill you. Her freaking out is how I found out she's not only gullible as hell, but sexually active as well. FML
Today, I'm horribly out of shape. My arms are sore, almost like I'd been doing heavy lifting yesterday. Nope. It just was from squeezing cupcake icing out of a tube. FML
Today, I overheard my co-workers talking about how they don't need flu shots because everyone else gets them. These people are in the medical industry. FML
Today, I walked in on my little brother making a Devil's trap so he could capture the demon he thinks is possessing my hamster. FML
Today, my boyfriend gushed for several minutes about how amazing it is that I suddenly look hot when he takes his glasses off. FML
Today, my dad got so drunk that he forgot my name. He started calling me "It". FML
Today, like any other day since that stupid movie Frozen came out, people have been asking me if I want to build a snowman. My name is Elsa. FML
Today, I got a call from my roommate's mother, asking me to hide her flip flops so she couldn't wear them out in sub-zero temperatures. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend how he felt about me and he said, "You're the hottest seven I've ever met." FML
Today, I mixed up my chapstick and cork grease. Now my clarinet smells like cherries, and my lips smell like a gym floor. FML
Today, I woke up to a phone with most of my female contacts missing. I think I'm dating a psycho. FML
Today, my five year old daughter was watching cartoons on TV. Then a Barbie commercial came on. My daughter sang along with the theme song "Be who you want to be, B-A-R-B-I-E." She then turned to me and said "Mom, I want to be a hooker." FML
Today, I found out that even though my parents have been married for 21 years, our "family friend," who routinely accompanies us on family vacations, completes their threesome. Everyone in town has known for years, except for me and my older brother. FML
Today, I was at a friend's pool party. He lives on a lake and one of our friends wouldn't get in the water. My best friend and I decided to push him off the dock. Once we had, I turned to see my crush who had watched looked shocked, then said, "You know he can't swim right?" FML
Today, I told my boyfriend he is good at singing. Now he won't stop. FML
Today, I went to a gay club with my supportive straight best friend to find me a date. Somehow, she managed to go home with a guy and I'm still decidedly single. FML
Today, I got my wisdom teeth cut out. While my girlfriend was driving me home, I, still being high on the laughing gas, accidentally admitted to cheating on her. She was kind enough to wait until the numbness wore off before she punched me in the face. FML
Today, I had to call the doctor to go and have them remove a tick that had got stuck to my man-parts while fishing. The receptionist laughed, because she thought I was prank calling. FML
Today, I found out all about my son's secret online double life. He's been moonlighting for two years as a male prostitute by the name of Peter Parker. FML
Today, I tried to give my friend a fist bump. He thought I was trying to punch him so he punched me in the face. FML
Today, I overheard my boss and a co-worker talking about me. Apparently when I speak, I slur my words so badly that it sounds like I'm speaking in tongues. According to my boss, "he could be possessed by a demon right now, and we'd never even notice." FML
Today, I was walking with my friend. The girl in front of us had a really nice ass, so I turned to my friend and said, "Damn, she has a perfect ass." He replied, "That's a guy." FML
Today, as my lame excuse to not give a guy I met at a club my phone number, I told him I didn't have a cell phone. Guess what I checked when he asked me what time it was a few minutes later. FML
Today, I walked in on my dad straightening my dog's fur. His excuse? The dog needed to feel pretty. FML
Today, as I walked out of the local store, I noticed a young girl was sitting on the curb, crying. I nudged her with the Snickers bar I had bought earlier, thinking she needed it more than me. After looking at it, she yelled, "PEDOPHILE!", punched me in the balls, and then ran away screaming. FML
Today, I saw mice eating from my cat's food dish, again. Where is my cat? He's busy bringing in more mice, birds, and once even an unharmed chipmunk through his cat door. FML
Today, we had a surprise party for my boss. Someone turned out all the lights. I was so scared of the dark, the first thing my boss saw when he walked in was all my co-workers watching me scream, "TURN IT ON!" FML
Today, I learned my girlfriend was cheating on me. After giving her a second chance and meeting her parents for the first time, her father said at the dinner table, "I like the other guy better." FML
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