Miss 29 years-old Single
Today, I got into trouble at work because a customer complained about my face tattoo, I don't have a face tattoo but I do have one behind my ear. Nonetheless, I still got written up and had to cover it with a band-aid, which ripped out hair when I took it off. FML
Today, I got sent to the head teacher's office for doing "stupid hand gestures and disrupting the class". Yesterday my teacher had told the class to do the same hand gesture to ask for permission to go to the toilet so it wouldn't interrupt her talking. FML
Today, I spent my afternoon rummaging through old jeans and other pants, due to being broke and needing cash for ramen. FML
Today, I had to explain to my father why it isn't a good idea to shove a metal knife into the toaster when trying to get at a small piece of toast. This man is 45-years-old and has a PhD. FML
Today, I found out that my wife of 12 years has slept with the workmen we've had working on our long term building project. They call her the "quickie queen". FML
Today, I won a big raffle. However, my name is so ridiculous-sounding that they thought someone was playing a prank, and pulled a different ticket. I was too embarrassed to say anything. FML
Today, my dad was doing FaceTime with a friend. He turned his iPhone towards my sister and said, "There's my daughter…" He then turned it to me and said "…and there's my ugly son", then walked away. I'm still not sure if it's a joke or not. FML
Today, I was watching my 3 year old brother. He asked me to get him a cookie and I said, "What's the magic word?" He looked at me angrily and said "Bitch, please." FML
Today, I had to give a video presentation. My video was on animal abuse, but I somehow played a video of myself singing Britney Spears in my room. FML
Today, I was taking an order for a patron at the casino. The policy is to "pay first." After explaining this to him, he still refused to pay. After years of being polite, I finally cracked and said, "You are making this really f-ing difficult". This particular patron was our CEO's son. FML
Today, my neighbour casually mentioned that he sold my car's GPS that I'd let him borrow. He figured I wouldn't be needing it anymore since I lost my license. FML
Today, my elderly mother explained that, "I don't need my glasses to drive, I just need them to see." FML
Today, my husband was disgusted by me expressing breast milk while we were in the shower together. This is the same man who thinks it's funny to pee on my legs because, "It'll wash off." FML
Today, while talking to my sister, I explained to her that the reason I hope I end up having a girl is I want my daughter to love me the way I "used" to love my own mother. I didn't mean to say it in the past tense. My sister told my mom. She's planning my baby shower. FML
Today, due to a hammer-related incident, instead of receiving glass ornaments as gifts from my trip to Venice, my friends will be receiving novelty postcards of Michelangelo's David's penis. FML
Today, I posted an ad online for house cleaning services. So far, all fifteen responses have been solicitations for sex. FML
Today, I found out the hard way that no good girlfriend-boyfriend conversation ever started with, "Suppose I slept with your best friend…" FML
Today, my blind date turned out to be my gynecologist. FML
Today, my boyfriend laid his head on my bare chest and said, "You're like my mother." FML
Today, I was shopping when I suddenly slipped on the wet floor and my basket and my groceries were flung everywhere. Moments later, one of the cleaners walked over holding a "wet floor" sign, saw me and laughed. FML
Today, on a flight, I needed to use the restroom. The passenger next to me was in a deep sleep, and was very large, so I couldn't get out by climbing over him. The urge got severe, so I resorted to tapping him on the shoulder. Turns out he had some nice reflexes and hit me in the face. FML
Today, my brother decided our bathroom needed a clock so he used an old DVD player. He put it on the edge of the tub. FML
Today, I asked my 8-year-old daughter to kill a house spider for me. I am a 42-year-old man. FML
Today, I found out that if you wake your 7-year old sister up by plugging her nose, you'll wake up the next morning, taped down and unable to move as she pours ice water on you. FML
Today, I wore a tank top for the first time in a few years. It turned out even worse than the last time. I got insulted by several people over my "Never say never" upper chest tattoo, which I got years ago, before the words ever became associated with a certain douchy Canadian pop "singer". FML
Today, my husband told his parents that he was quitting his job so that he could focus on school. They asked him what he was going to do for money. When I told them that I'd be the one working, they took one look at me and burst into laughter. FML
Today, I paid $325 to have the vet tell me that my 19-year-old cat ISN'T dying, she just had anxiety shits because we were gone on vacation for so long. FML
Today, I woke up because of a weird noise. Scared, I turned on my bedside lamp. I saw my older, 17-year-old brother peeing in my bedroom doorway. He was hoping I'd step in it in the morning. FML
Today, at work in a library, I found a dirty diaper stuffed under one of the public use computer desks. Not only was it leaking, but it had been run over several times by a rolling office chair. I had to clean it up. FML
Today, I stopped two little boys from spitting over a railing at the piano player two floors below in the department store I work at. Their mom complained to my boss about me. FML
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