Miss Witham, England 32 years-old In a relationship
Today, my 6-year-old son said to me, "You smell nice daddy." Surprised but flattered, I thanked him. He then added, "I like the smell of cheese!'" FML
Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML
Today, I was interviewing a cute guy for my journalism class, and he asked to borrow my laptop to check his email quickly. After the interview, I realized that the last thing I had searched for on my browser's Google box was "ingrown pubic hairs," and it was still up there. FML
Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later, I got a text saying, "I just dropped the bitch off, I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I later asked him about it. He said, "Megan, I have no idea what you're talking about." My name isn't Megan. Not even close. FML
Today, I was babysitting my neighbor's kid. We were playing in the yard, when he fell and got a small scratch on his leg. I gasp, and he takes a huge breath in and yells, "FUUUCK!!!" as loud as possible. The parents thought it was me, and the mother slapped me in the face. FML
Today, the $300 ring my boyfriend gave me for my birthday slipped off my finger... into the toilet. I had to sift through my own poo to get it back. FML
Today, I went to a fast-food joint and ordered off the $1.00 menu to save money. Five hours later I go to the hospital with food-poisoning. After a whole day of not eating, crapping, puking, having tests, and a bunch of IV fluids, my $1.00 burger ended up costing me $2,000 in bills. Really. FML
Today, I decided to use my mentor's advice. I told her I had been having some trouble controlling my anger, she told me to throw rocks at trees. I threw a rock at a tree, very hard. It bounced back hit me above the eye. I'm still pissed as shit. FML
Today, I left my brand new iPod Touch outside. There had been a drought for the past 3 weeks. Not anymore. FML
Today, I was at a party and I really had to use the bathroom. There were 30-40 people talking outside the door, so I thought it would be ok to make some noise. Just as I'm about to begin having explosive diarrhea, everyone fell silent as my dad began to pray for our meal. FML
Today, I learned that you can pierce your balls. However, sitting on a thumbtack is not the best way to find this out. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were visiting his parents. When we got there, I hugged his mother, and she glared at me. Later that day, I heard her telling her son that he should leave me because I smell like cigarettes, and she hates smokers. I don't smoke, my boyfriend does. He did all the way there. FML
Today, the traffic court judge didn't believe my three witnesses and two security cameras that proved I was innocent. He claimed a cop would never lie, and that the dashboard security cameras, which the cop brought in, were somehow edited by me. I was fined $1,000 and my license was suspended. FML
Today, I let my nephew and his friend spend the night to watch movies. After I fell asleep, they stole my liquor and went roaming. When they saw the cop car in front of my house and realized they were busted, they went up to the cop and told them I gave them the alcohol to avoid being grounded. FML
Today, everyone was telling me a girl I like wanted me to ask her on a date. I approached her, and asked if it was true. She said yes, but only because she wanted to reject me in person. FML
Today, I called my mother who is vacationing in Florida with my dad and sister. Before they left I told them I would be very responsible and that they could trust me. The first thing she asked me is if all the animals were still alive. I said yes. I lied. Her favourite cat drowned in the pool. FML
Today, I was running a meeting feeling very stressed. I grabbed my stress ball out of my bag, squeezing it vigorously throughout the meeting. When I stood up to talk my stress ball exploded all over my new black suit and the desk. So much for relieving stress. FML
Today, I felt dizzy and light-headed. So I sat down at the top of my stairs calling my brother who was downstairs, for help because I was scared something was wrong with me. He called back "No, I'm eating." I fainted. When I woke up, I was still alone upstairs and he was still eating downstairs. FML
Today, I went to the ice cream shop after dinner. I am deathly allergic to nuts so I picked the vanilla. I take one bite and feel something crunchy, and see what I thought was an almond in the cup. I spit out the icecream in a panic. Good news? It wasn't an almond. Bad news? It was a cockroach. FML
Today, while at work I went to use the public restroom because I had a severe case of diarrhea. All went well until the timed sensor lights went off and I couldn't leave my stall to get them back on. I sat there for thirty minutes in pure darkness. FML
Today, I was going out to my car with my sister's birthday present. I slipped on some ice and the present fell to the ground. I spent an hour wrapping it. I could hear the present break. I had gotten her $200 wine glasses. I then had to run to the nearest store and get her a CD instead. FML
Today, I was checking the Facebook event page to see who is attending the party I am having this weekend, since my parents are going out of town. 1 person has confirmed. My mom. FML
Today, I had my final economics exam, and needed to ace it, or else I would fail the entire module. After studying all day yesterday, and pulling an all-nighter today, I managed to pull it off and get a perfect score. Unfortunately, my teacher didn't believe that it was possible, and accused me of cheating. Now I may be thrown out of college. FML
Today, a friend of mine commented that I "have a lot of confidence for a fat girl". Ummm... thanks? FML
Today, I was looking for a parking spot and finally found one. Trying to figure out if the spot was legal, I asked a cop that had pulled up. He said it was fine. I came back 3 hours later to a parking ticket. FML
Today, my girlfriend's father sent me a text message that simply stated "You ruined my relationship with my daughter." I wanted to ask him for his blessing to marry his daughter. FML
Today, I was watching this show about fat people. I was wondering how people could let this happen to themselves. Then I looked down and saw a giant bowl of popcorn, ice cream, potato chips, and soda. I thus figured out how people do this to themselves. FML
Today, I got a call from this girl I really like. Surprised, as I never get anything other than a text from her, I answered. All I heard were rustling sounds. She had pocket dialed me. FML
Today, after months of looking, my fiancé and I finally signed a lease. We are using my savings to pay for it. This apparently poses a "moral dilemma" for my in-laws, who think we should wait to be married. I'm paying for an apartment I'm not allowed to live in. FML
Today, while taking a shower, I thought that the bathroom was extra steamy because of all the hot water. It wasn't until two-three minutes later when I put some shampoo in my hair that I realized I had forgotten to take my glasses off. FML
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