Today, I was drinking in the park with my friends. Being drunk, I relieved myself on a nearby tree. Unknown to me, a 4 year old was having her birthday party 100 yards away. I was arrested for public intoxication and exposing myself to a minor. FML
Today, I went to my hairdresser who promised me a haircut which "all the girls would want you" for. She gave me a combover. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 3 months and I finally had sex. He sounds like Chewbacca when he comes. FML
Today, I had to wrap presents for a cat. FML
Today, I woke up with a hangover. I had a party last night. Besides a stolen TV, someone seemingly decided to take a dump in my piano. FML
Today, I found out I have dandruff when a chick passed by and said out loud to her friends: "That dude's hair is having an early Xmas!" FML
Today, I finally got my first kiss. I was so excited, I pissed myself. FML
Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. She stole my wallet. FML
Today, I came home to a dead fish duct-taped to the wall of my dorm room. I can't reach it. FML
Today, I was running a marathon for my school. Two hot girls started talking to me, so I glanced at them, and smiled. I turned back, just in time to knee a little boy in the face. FML
Today, I went to the doctor's office for a minor cold, and left with a diagnosis of pregnancy. FML
Today, my best friend lost her virginity in the backseat of a car. I was sitting in the front. FML
Today, I realized that my pubes are longer than my penis itself. FML
Today, my boyfriend fingered me. He never cuts his nails. It felt like I was getting intimate with Wolverine. FML
Today, I got kicked in the crotch. It popped my cherry. I lost my virginity to a shoe. FML
Today, there was no toilet paper left, so I asked my grandmother if I could use her Kleenex tissues. I found out too late that they were Vicks VapoRub tissues. My crotch has been burning for the last half hour. FML
Today, my dad had his "sixteen years overdue" vasectomy. I'm fifteen. FML
Today, after recently moving to America as I've always dreamt of, I saw my first, majestic deer. My boyfriend slammed it with the rental car. FML
Today, I got bored looking at porn. FML
Today, I was kicked out of a comedy club for laughing too loudly. FML
Today, I got pulled over. When the cop asked where I was coming from, reflexively I said, "Your mom's house." FML
Today, I went to Hooters for lunch. My food was brought to me by a man. FML
Today, my ex-husband officially became my stepdad. FML
Today, my wife woke me up by giving my erect penis a Chinese burn. FML
Today, I was broken up with via a cereal analogy. Apparently, I'm a Cheerio and all he wants is a Froot Loop. FML
Today, I caught my boyfriend staring at my sister through the doorway while we were having sex. FML
Today, I was so desperate for any kind of male romantic attention that I googled "prison pen pals", and I'm considering writing to one. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about being super heroes. He said I could be "The Period" because I'm a bitch. FML
Today, I'm so broke that I hand-washed my socks with a bar of soap that I stole from work. FML
Today, I realized how much it sucks to have the same name as my dad when I overheard my mom moan his name in bed. FML
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