CeleryMuffin

Today, I accidentally deep throated a fork. FML

Today, my house got robbed. They left a note: "Next time, we steal your souls." FML

Today, my neighbor finally cut the grass on his front lawn. At 2 in the morning. FML

Today, while playing with bubble wrap, I dislocated my thumb. FML

Today, my six-year-old got in an argument with my four-year-old. I told them to go outside. The next thing I know, my son was standing in front of his sister's burning Barbie's Malibu Dream House, singing "Burn Baby Burn" and cackling madly. FML

Today, my eleven year old sister came in, and bitched to me and my boyfriend about how she was going to tell my mom about the used condom she found. My boyfriend punched her in the face. FML

Confused?

Today, while at my job as a hostess, I was seating a couple and their adorable little girl. I tried to ask how old she was, but what came out was, "Aww, what breed is she?" FML

Today, as I was leaving Walmart, a huge group of birds settled along the wire above the street. I thought it would be hilarious to scare them, so I stuck my head out the window and screamed. The birds responded by simultaneously shitting on my car in very neat rows. FML

Angry little kid

Today, I was helping first-graders do school work when one of them stabbed me in the face with a pencil, all because I told her that a three was backwards. FML

Today, I walked out of the store, car keys in hand, only to discover my car was missing. After a frantic search, I started to hyperventilate and a nearly had a full-blown panic attack. Then I remembered I walked to the store. I am an idiot. FML

Today, I went jogging with my girlfriend. I'm pretty sure my moobs bounced more than her breasts. FML

Today, while helping my father build a shelf, I suggested that we should probably use the instruction manual. He suggested I should probably shut the fuck up and do it his way. FML

Today, I had to tell my 7 year old-son it's not polite to jack off in public. FML

Pain like no one has ever seen before

Today, I found out how it feels to get your nut-sack caught in a belt buckle. FML

Today, my mom was put in jail for beating the shit out of my dad. FML

Today, I was learning to drive a stick when a cop decided to pull me over just to laugh at me. FML

Repetitive

Today, my girlfriend fell asleep while giving me head. FML

Today, my dad came home drunk at four in the morning. He walked into my room, screaming at me to wake up so he can kill zombies. FML

Today, my boyfriend gave me a hickey. On my forehead. FML

Today, I woke up super glued to the toilet. FML

Today, I realized my daughter has been in longer relationships than I have. FML

Today, my ex-husband officially became my stepdad. FML

Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to put my bra on. FML

Today, during an Easter egg hunt, I found divorce papers. FML

Today, I got whiplash from sneezing. FML

Freaky

Today, I was watching a boys volleyball team warming up, and I had my eye on one of them who was quite attractive. He sent the ball a little too far and it hit me in the face. He apologized, and I then for some reason replied with, "It's fine, I like balls in my face." FML

Today, I had to put one of my preschool students in timeout for masturbating during nap time. FML

Pranked

Today, I woke up to a really cold feeling down below. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend grinning like a maniac and holding my crotch-sausage between two scissor blades. I screamed in terror like a little bitch, and she says I'm never gonna live this down. FML

DELETE! DELETE!

Today, I took a picture in front of my bathroom mirror and posted it on Facebook. When I checked it later, it had 20 comments on the picture. I was feeling good until I read the comments and looked at the picture again. I'd left my vibrator on the the bathroom counter. FML

Today, I had to collect my daughter from the hospital. Her boyfriend was even more upset than she was, because his iPhone's screen was damaged beyond repair when the doctor pulled it out of my daughter's vagina. FML