Mr Calgary , Canada 36 years-old
Today, my boyfriend told me that he was gay and that he is in love with my younger brother. FML
Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML
Today, I heard my mom moan in the other room. FML
Today, I was at church and saw a blind teenager who obviously looked lost. Feeling like I should help, I went over and asked if he needed anything. He said, "I can't find my caretaker." I asked, "What does she look like?" FML
Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying "U got fingers, use them, im going to bed xoxo". FML
Today, I ran over a squirrel. I saw it twitching, so I backed over it to end its suffering. It wasn't a squirrel; it was a kitten. The children it belonged to watched as I ran over their kitten. Twice. FML
Today, my dog started to hump my leg. He always does this and I heard that humping the dog back asserts dominance. Well, I decided to, and I dry humped him back. As I was doing this I said, "How do you like that?" Then my mom walked in. FML
Today, my 250 lb ex-Marine dad announced he was going to start randomly punching me in the crotch, without warning, to "improve my reflexes." FML
Today, my parents decided I was old enough to know that my mother doesnt really have horrible nightmares. She's a screamer. FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me a poem saying "Roses are red, violets are blue, rubbish is dumped and so are you." FML
Today, I found out that the plant in my kitchen that I have been watering for almost 2 years is fake. FML
Today, my wife entered in an ugliest sweater competition at her work. She wore a plain white sweater with a picture of my face printed on it. She came home with first prize. FML
Today, I pulled a hamstring by taking a dump. FML
Today, I realized that the best and most entertaining part of my 3 day mini vacation was realizing my nipples work on the touch screen of my iPhone. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. He got on the bed on all fours and crawled towards me, saying "My precious... my precious" in Gollum's voice. FML
Today, while eating dinner with my family, I found out my boyfriend recorded me screaming while having sex with him on my phone, and set it as my ring tone on high volume. FML
Today, a customer at the store I work at asked me what kind of cake I would suggest for her husband's 50th birthday. I laughed and showed her the Grim Reaper cake. She burst into tears and explained that he has cancer. FML
Today, I had an asthma attack. I grabbed my inhaler and found peanut butter on it. I'm extremely allergic to peanuts. FML
Today, my husband got out of the shower, came downstairs naked screaming ''EMBRACE THE HARDNESS!!'' Little did he know, my step mother was sitting right there at the kitchen table. FML
Today, I was singing while unloading my dishwasher. I heard a knock on the door and went to answer it only to find the police telling me they received noise complaints from my neighbors. I live next-door to my parents. FML
Today, I walked in on my mom and her friends comparing the differences in their nipples. FML
Today, while having sex, my boyfriend started singing the Star Wars theme song as he entered his penis into me. FML
Today, while zooming down the interstate, I had to tell my husband to put his penis away. FML
Today, I had to go to the hospital to get a harmonica removed from my mouth. FML
Today, at football practice, a 200lb lineman ended up landing on my stomach. The weight made me shit myself. My new nickname is "Muddbutt". FML
Today, I was washing my hands in the bathroom when I looked up and saw a spider on my cheek. Panicking, I slapped myself in the face as hard as I could to kill it. Turns out the spider was on the mirror. FML
Today, my daughter asked me how to spell "Orange". "O-R-A-N-G-E," I replied. Without missing a beat, she says, "No, I mean the colour, not the fruit." She's 16. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me for a blow job. After I said "no" over ten times, he decided to get up and slap me across the face with his penis. FML
Today, I found out the girl I've been fooling around with for two weeks has a boyfriend, who is in jail, and is a member of the Aryan Brotherhood. FML
Today, my husband thought it would be "funny" to put laxatives in the cakes for my son's 7th birthday party. Over 40 kids came to the party. FML
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