Miscellaneous: Today, I found out that the plant in my kitchen that I have been... - FML

By IlikeGreenPlants - United States

Today, I found out that the plant in my kitchen that I have been watering for almost 2 years is fake. FML

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There's no helping some people

Age ain't nothing but a number

This is us

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my school had to make an official announcement that students were not permitted to go home due to Zayn Malik leaving One Direction because so many girls were claiming they couldn't focus on school with such a dramatic event occurring. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy, who decided to rudely text message his friend the whole time. When I got home, I realized he'd been texting the girl he was going to hookup with after our date; she happens to be my roommate. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my boyfriend, who is supposed to protect me from murderers and rapists, had an emotional breakdown because he was so excited that I'd cooked french fries for dinner. FML

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By woodless - Canada - Toronto

Today, I came home to find all of the wood in my house either broken or gone. On the now legless table there was a note from my mother, saying that she needed the wood to build a boat, and that I will thank her when the world ends. FML

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By whorecrux - United States - Newark

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was going to buy me a "magic wand". Being a Harry Potter fanatic, I assumed he meant a replica wand. It turns out he actually meant a Magic Wand vibrator. I was more excited about the HP wand. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I had a look through my dad's girlfriend's phone she left on the table. Best part: I now know what I'm getting for christmas. Worst part: I now know my dad's favourite position. FML

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By MimiFufu

I am what I am

Today, yet again I got delayed in airport security. One month ago, I thought it was a good idea to wear make-up when renewing my passport. It turns out I look nothing like myself without makeup. Hello shattered confidence and 5 years of needing to wear makeup for every flight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Bugging out

Today, I'm allergic to not only bug spray, but also mosquitos. I'm staying at a bug-infested lake for 5 days. FML

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By Nico - France - Asni?res

Today, the company I was fired from three years ago merged with the company I work at now. The new owners' first order of business was to fire me again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the unhealthiest person I know, weighing in at around 350 pounds told me she was now a vegan. I then told her the Cheese-Itz, as well as the leather boots she was wearing wasn't vegan. She said I was wrong. I'm a nutritionist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my manager came into the dog grooming salon I work at, lecturing about the importance of staying out of a dog's "bite zone". Right then, the dog I was working on bit me. FML

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By 00anon00 - 2/7/2020 02:01

Animalistic

Today, I was fired from my local animal shelter. I was a volunteer and am currently in school for veterinary technology. My education made the paid staff at the shelter feel threatened. FML

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By brokedick - United States

Today, after 5 years of no intimate, sexual contact with a woman, I finally got my chance. Unfortunately, I also discovered that I have full-on erectile dysfunction. I'm 23 years old. FML

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By a_boring_snuffkin - 16/5/2020 02:00

Honestly?

Today, my friend needed to talk out bad feelings. Then she urged me to open up as well. I hate doing it, but it only seemed fair, so I confessed my deep insecurities. Not only did she agree with everything, but she also helpfully added that I'm boring, have no life and all my dreams are unattainable. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Waynesboro

Today, I realized that while I've been the same minuscule height for the past five years, my feet won't stop growing. I'm 5 foot and a size 12. I look like a clown. FML

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By Nanana32 - United States - Hudson

Today, I fell asleep on the beach while tanning. I was woken up by the flock of seagulls eating the bread from my stomach. Why was bread on my stomach? Because my little brother knows birds are my biggest fear. FML

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By walllflower - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I went paintballing with my siblings. Once we were done, they realised I hadn't been shot at all. They cornered me in the forest and lit me up. I have welts all over my legs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was relaxing alone at a bar when I was approached by the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen. She was too good to be true, so I asked, "Is this some kind of a prank?" She immediately turned around and left. She thought I was calling her ugly. I'll never see her again. FML

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By Stumanji - United States

Today, I found out my reward for topping three of the four employee performance charts was a paycut. FML

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By Ribonuke211 - 12/8/2020 02:02

Territorial pissings

Today, I was menaced by a shirtless crackhead with an aluminum bat for, "parking in the wrong parking lot" - not parking spot, parking LOT - while delivering pizza to one of many nearby apartment buildings. I'm not allowed to carry a weapon to defend myself, unless I wanna shell out $75 for a Mag flashlight. FML

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By Celina - United States

Today, I regret that break we took. I thought it would lead him to realize that he wanted to stop cheating and flirting with other girls and be with only me forever. Now I'm the girl he cheats on his girlfriend with. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working as the shift manager at my job at a fast food restaurant. Our company policy states that all employees must be clean shaven before coming to work. I had to inform one of the employees, Kris, that they had to shave before clocking in. Kris is a woman. FML

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By NotHungryAnymore - United States - Rochester

Today, my boss is now so comfortable with me that she doesn't even try to hide the fact that she goes digging for gold in her nose through every conversation we have. FML

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By LifeLikeLemons - United States - Phoenix

Today, I got rear-ended trying to move off the road because I heard a police siren. It was the radio. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I'm a youth worker. I drove 7 hours to visit a teenage girl I have been working with, and who recently moved. Due to roadworks, it took me 2 hours longer than expected. When I arrived, she told me to fuck off and closed the door in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Great date, thanks!

Today, I was on a first date with a girl at the movies. Trying to be polite, I held in a fart until an intense, loud action scene came on. As soon as I let go, the scene went silent and my fart was clearly heard to everyone in the movie theatre. My date went to the bathroom. She didn't come back. FML

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By DogStew

Objects in the rear-view mirror

Today, my obsession with my mean ex-girlfriend returned. It ended 9 years ago. It happened when I started researching self-help. Now, I can’t stop thinking about that selfish piece of shit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I left for college. I spent hundreds of dollars on clothes, bedding and other things. After packing my entire closet and everything else I needed, I left only to have to head back home. My dad forgot to pay the first semesters tuition. He said "Oh well, you would have failed out anyway." FML

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By blah - Canada

Today, my boyfriend gave me a card for my birthday and told me to open it 10 minutes after he'd gone; I waited for 5. In the card was written, "It's not working out, but here's $20." FML

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By georgiana072 - Philippines

Today, as I was coming out of the ladies' room, I saw a guy glancing at me. A few minutes later, I saw him coming at me at a fast rate. I decided to run from him. As I got out of the building and into a cab, I saw him from the window waving my phone at me. He was just trying to return it. FML

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By no one - United States

You've got a friend

Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML

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By Mom - United States

Today, I found out all about my son's secret online double life. He's been moonlighting for two years as a male prostitute by the name of Peter Parker. FML

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By oops - Australia - Newtown

Today, I needed to pee at my friend's house. His bathroom door is often left closed even if there's no one in there, so I knocked just to make sure. His stepdad opened the door stark naked. FML

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By pothole - United States

Today, it was nice out, so I drove with my car windows down. I was stopped trying to turn onto a busy highway, when a car turned off the highway right next to me, hit a pothole, and splashed dirty water into my window and into my open mouth. FML

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By oldtexas - United States

Today, I bought a freezer mug that looks like it's full of water. I've been playing tricks on my friends by throwing the empty cup at them. After doing this a few dozen times, my 83 year-old mother came to visit. I played the same trick on her. The joke's on me. My Dad filled the cup. FML

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By Mandy - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about our past relationships. He told me that he broke up with his last girlfriend because she was smart and he suited someone who was quite stupid. He then went on to say that I was perfect for him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom decided to wake me up by pouring ice cold water on my face. Again. FML

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By Deadbed

Today, I had sex with my wife. After we finished and were cuddling, she said, "This is the part I like." FML

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By mistake - United States

Today, I realized what my mom has been calling me for 20 years. She always calls me her "little fehler." With her being from Germany, I always thought it was a cute little nickname. Apparently, she's been calling me her "little mistake." FML

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By firelava - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I waited two hours in line at college to select my classes. I finally got to the desk, only to be told I have to apply online before I can show up in person. FML

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Top comments

By Ninjaface | 0

#688916 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:10

You might want to check up on your boyfriend/husband too. Remember, if the smell of bacon doesn't get him to stir, then you've been screwing a mannequin.

By Maxine17 | 8

#688914 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:10

One of the few FML's nowadays where I actually laughed out loud.

Nice one!

COMMENTS

By beanstalk0311 | 0

#688906 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:06

That's just plain stupidity on your part haha

Reply

spiderman0606 | 0

#689143 - Thursday 26 November 2009 13:07

THIS IS A MLIA. GET OUTTA TOWN, TRAITOR.

By jen_jen | 0

#688910 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:08

did yoy buy it yourself??

By tennisplayer_fml | 0

#688913 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:10

that sucks

By Maxine17 | 8

#688914 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:10

One of the few FML's nowadays where I actually laughed out loud.

Nice one!

By Ninjaface | 0

#688916 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:10

You might want to check up on your boyfriend/husband too. Remember, if the smell of bacon doesn't get him to stir, then you've been screwing a mannequin.

By rinnychan | 2

#688918 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:13

This was just posted a few days ago.

Reply

rachelxx | 0

#688970 - Thursday 26 November 2009 10:20

.

Reply

uxoriouswidow | 0

#689137 - Thursday 26 November 2009 13:01

On MLIA...

By reapfml | 0

#688919 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:14

how do you not notice?

By el_erico | 0

#688921 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:14

Your life sucks even more because you posted this from MLIA.
http://mylifeisaverage.com/s/308707

By iMatter | 0

#688924 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:15

Wow, that really sucks; must of been an extreamly realistic plant for it to trick you that long…

By Jeremyy_fml | 0

#688926 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:15

haha idiot