Today, I found out that the plant in my kitchen that I have been... - FML

By IlikeGreenPlants - 26/11/2009 02:41 - United States

Today, I found out that the plant in my kitchen that I have been watering for almost 2 years is fake. FML

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Instadrama

Fairytale ending

Abuse

By Crystal Crackles - 6/12/2018 05:00

Today, I used my rear windsheild wiper and it shattered a large hole in the glass where the rotating part is. No one can repair the window until tomorrow afternoon. It's snowing. FML

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By Gabi - 20/2/2012 14:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend would rather jerk off than have sex with me. Even if I'm next to him in bed. FML

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By MrZach - 21/11/2009 23:21 - United States

Today, I had a tooth pulled. An hour or so later, I removed the gauze from my mouth, because I thought the bleeding had stopped. I got on my laptop. A few minutes later I looked down, to see that I had drooled blood all over the keyboard, and didn't know because my mouth was numb. FML

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By jasondrags - 3/7/2015 13:42 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I tried to arrange my first gallery exhibition as a photography student. Not even my mother wants to come. FML

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By JellyBite - 1/9/2019 06:00 - Iceland - Akureyri

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was going to take a nap. When I asked him why he wanted to take a nap in the middle of the day, he said, "To make time go by faster." He's leaving in 9 days. We're going to be 3,000 miles apart. For a long time. FML

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By hoho5191 - 20/7/2009 16:50 - United States

Today, I was at a friend's party. Her neighbor and I really hit it off. We went off into the woods and left everyone, including her parents, at the bonfire. We started hooking up when my friend ran over. Apparently they could see everything. We had on glow stick necklaces and bracelets. FML

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By scorned ex - 17/10/2015 03:29

Today, my ex-boyfriend sent me an email that read, "How to lose 25lbs". I was eating a large slice of pie when I opened the email. FML

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By It was the 11 year old - 21/7/2012 08:00 - United States - Austin

Today, I overheard my 11-year-old son giving my 8-year-old daughter the sex talk. FML

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By egsrox95 - 1/11/2017 00:30

Today, my best friend had the balls to call me an alcoholic. She snuck vodka on a cruise ship in a Listerine bottle. I've never had a drink. FML

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By Samantha - 25/12/2018 02:00

Today, I discovered that my parents made a game out of my mental illness. Every morning, they have a bet on which one of them can make me cry first. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2012 02:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend texted me saying he had left a surprise on my driveway. Thinking it was something special, I went outside to look. It was a little bag of mayonnaise packets. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2011 07:28 - United States

Today, I overheard my mom telling my younger sister not to use my razors because she "doesn't know what I may have." FML

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By leigh2812 - 5/1/2010 22:03 - France

Today, I was watching Free Willy with my boyfriend. It was at the part where the boy leaned into the water to give Willy a hug. I asked, "How do you even hug a whale?" My boyfriend rolled over and gave me a hug, and said, "Like this." FML

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By Jill - 9/4/2011 22:00 - United States

Today, I went into the women's bathroom and was warmly greeted by a man masturbating on one of the sinks. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, like many other days, I fell asleep in math class. Unlike other days, however, I woke up with a start while ripping a really loud fart in my sleep. The whole class heard it because it was during a lecture. Even the teacher was laughing at me and I had to walk, no, run out of the room. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2013 05:19 - United States

Today, my 15-year-old daughter's pregnancy test came back positive. I wanted to know who the father is, so I could sit the two of them down to talk the situation through with them. She isn't sure if it's her best friend, or our neighbor's son. FML

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By BobbyMalone - 17/1/2009 14:11 - Canada

Today, my mother asked a woman at the clothing store we go to all the time when her baby was due. Turns out the woman isn't pregnant. FML

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By ? - 20/2/2013 18:20 - United States - El Cajon

Today, my girlfriend of nine months made a huge scene in public, calling me a "cheating bastard" because she saw me with another woman at the library. That "other woman" is my Calculus tutor. FML

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By J - 24/11/2009 18:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I watched Paranormal Activity which is known to be the scariest film ever. After the film, I went to brush my teeth and out of the corner of my eye I saw the bathroom door closing by itself. I jumped out of my skin and stabbed myself in the eye with my toothbrush. It was just my dog. FML

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By xricardo - 5/6/2010 00:52 - United States

Today, I was mistaken for a male prostitute because I was walking home while wearing my speedo after a swim in the public pool. I was arrested and had to stay in a room full of convicts for 4 hours. Still in a speedo. FML

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By sliceddice - 10/3/2010 16:08 - Denmark

Today, I was crying because my cat died. My boyfriend cupped my face in his hands, looked me straight into the eyes and said, "I love seeing you cry." FML

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By it_IS_just_me - 17/7/2011 04:20 - United States

Today, I Googled my ex-husband only to find that in the years since we've split he now fancies himself as a stand-up comic. His material? Our sex life. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 13:23 - Canada

Today, my boss asked for recommendations on how to improve the office. I sent her an e-mail full of my ideas. Later, my boss sent me a reply, saying, "Here's what head office thinks of your ideas." It contained a list of insults upper management made about me. FML

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By lifesucksbigtimefuys - 4/12/2011 08:36 - United Kingdom

Today, the girl I've had a crush on for years asked if I could be her "emergency gay friend". Worst part? I said yes. FML

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By Miss_Kristen - 26/2/2012 15:31 - United States

Today, an African-American family came into the restaurant at which I work. They said, "Jackson, party of 5." After I laughed, I realized they were serious. FML

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By chickennoodlesoup - 21/5/2009 01:50 - Canada

Today, I made chicken noodle soup for the girl I've been seeing to help her get over her cold. From scratch. Everything fresh save for the canned chicken stock. It took an hour in preparation and half an hour to take the bus to her place. Her first words? The celery's not cooked enough. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2012 13:53 - Australia - Perth

Today, I offered an elderly man my seat on the train. He thanked me by winking and offering me a seat on his lap. FML

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By tdiz - 12/10/2010 04:48 - Canada

Today, I was getting frisky with my fiancée when she started talking about her dead great-grandma. FML

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By sleeplessinrichmond - 15/9/2013 06:02 - United States - Bronx

Today, the guy on the floor above me decided it was time for a tuba jam session. Apparently optimal tuba time is 2am. FML

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By TRalalla - 7/8/2010 17:10 - Canada

Today, I decided to call the number a cute guy had scribbled onto a napkin and given to me. I was greeted by, "Hello, this is Dr. Allen's office." Surprised, because I didn't remember his name being anything close to Allen, I asked who Dr. Allen was. She's a psychologist. FML

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By the dog won - 16/7/2020 14:01

In the cold

Today, after being tired of my husband acting like I’m invisible, giving more attention and affection to the dog than to me, and me going to spend a few nights at my sister’s house, he texted me, "You coming home to make dinner or what?" on the second day. It's now day 4 and he hasn’t said anything else since. FML

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By Anon - 14/10/2010 08:00 - United States

Today, after a small fight with my girlfriend, I started to miss her, so I typed her name into Google on a whim. Surprisingly, I find a link to a blog in which the owner describes his ongoing effort to seduce my girl. During times she told me she was alone. Thanks babe. FML

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By author - 15/2/2014 02:28 - United States - Sicklerville

Today, I was at the fish store asking if they were hiring. My stepdad decided to humiliate me by screaming at them repeatedly that I'm a good person and that I deserve the job. FML

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By fmjob - 21/7/2009 04:39 - Canada

Today, I finally told my parents I would be changing bedrooms because I could no longer stand hearing them having sex, which is awkward and disturbing. Later, my dad came and asked me quietly if I thought my mom sounded "satisfied." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2010 06:23 - United States

Today, I spent hours voluntarily decorating my town for Christmas. After a break, I came back to find someone had re-positioned the wooden reindeer to make it look like they were humping. FML

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By Tj Hunt - 5/11/2012 03:26 - United States

Today, in the middle of a hot air balloon ride with my girlfriend, I asked her to marry me. She said no. The rest of the ride was the most awkward 2 hours of my life. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2013 15:20 - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I uttered the phrase "the pot calling the kettle black" in class. Moments later, I'd been called a "racist twerp" and kicked out of class by the same English teacher who once tried to have another kid suspended for using the word "titillate", because apparently it's "pornographic". FML

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By ciararow - 14/4/2011 23:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally let me take his dog on a walk, after two years of not trusting me to keep her safe. During the walk, a car drove by, causing her to run after it and pulling the leash out of my hand. Five hours later, and I still can't find her. FML

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By Tick - 20/8/2018 22:35

Today, I witnessed my first drunken bar brawl. Yes, my 54-year-old husband was one of the participants. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2019 20:00 - United States

Today, I was feeling sick and ended up throwing up as soon as I got home. My mother's first question was an accusatory, "What have you been drinking?" I was returning from the AA meeting I have been attending for over a month. I go because I'm afraid I'll become an alcoholic like her. FML

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Top comments

By Ninjaface | 0

#688916 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:10

You might want to check up on your boyfriend/husband too. Remember, if the smell of bacon doesn't get him to stir, then you've been screwing a mannequin.

By Maxine17 | 8

#688914 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:10

One of the few FML's nowadays where I actually laughed out loud.

Nice one!

COMMENTS

By beanstalk0311 | 0

#688906 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:06

That's just plain stupidity on your part haha

Reply

spiderman0606 | 0

#689143 - Thursday 26 November 2009 13:07

THIS IS A MLIA. GET OUTTA TOWN, TRAITOR.

By jen_jen | 0

#688910 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:08

did yoy buy it yourself??

By tennisplayer_fml | 0

#688913 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:10

that sucks

By Maxine17 | 8

#688914 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:10

One of the few FML's nowadays where I actually laughed out loud.

Nice one!

By Ninjaface | 0

#688916 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:10

You might want to check up on your boyfriend/husband too. Remember, if the smell of bacon doesn't get him to stir, then you've been screwing a mannequin.

By rinnychan | 2

#688918 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:13

This was just posted a few days ago.

Reply

rachelxx | 0

#688970 - Thursday 26 November 2009 10:20

.

Reply

uxoriouswidow | 0

#689137 - Thursday 26 November 2009 13:01

On MLIA...

By reapfml | 0

#688919 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:14

how do you not notice?

By el_erico | 0

#688921 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:14

Your life sucks even more because you posted this from MLIA.
http://mylifeisaverage.com/s/308707

By iMatter | 0

#688924 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:15

Wow, that really sucks; must of been an extreamly realistic plant for it to trick you that long…

By Jeremyy_fml | 0

#688926 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:15

haha idiot