Miscellaneous: Today, I found out that the plant in my kitchen that I have been... - FML

By IlikeGreenPlants - United States

Today, I found out that the plant in my kitchen that I have been watering for almost 2 years is fake. FML

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Dangling modifier

Our house, in the middle of our street

For the life of him indeed

By Socklessandsmelly - United States

Today, after 7 hours on my feet at work, my boyfriend picked me up. Relieved, I took off my shoes. Suddenly, he looked up and sniffed asking,"are those your feet?" I had forgotten to put on socks in my rush to work. He made me put my shoes back on and sit in the back, windows open. FML

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By nick - United States

Today, I came home to find a note on my door from the neighbor saying "I saw a coyote eat your dog, but was afraid it was rabid." FML

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By iLuvsIt - Australia - Belmont

Today, my friend joked to my co-workers that my kitty-cat of a husband was going to beat me for spending $200 on shoes. Later on, my rather large dog was so excited to see me when I walked in the door, he split my lip. Somehow, I don't think they'll believe me when I get to the office tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous

There's an app for everything

Today, my boyfriend told me that he could predict my periods because he keeps track of when I'm at my bitchiest each month. This wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't so accurate. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Chagrin Falls

Today, I got a citation from my landlord because my puppy couldn't make it to the grass and peed in the shrubs. Later in the evening, I got a citation that my music was too loud. Until I'd submitted my 30-day notice yesterday, no one ever had a problem with me FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Coeur D Alene

Today, I went on a date and ate in the park. When I crossed my legs under the table, I scraped my knee and got a lot of splinters in it. When I got back home and started digging out the splinters, my dad furiously demanded to know why I'd been on my knees during the date. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2021 20:00

Nervous

Today, I went to see my girlfriend to talk about my anxiety, because it's been a big issue. She broke up with me instead. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, my teacher called me into his office so he that he could pass me some information for my project. Just as he plugged in my thumbdrive, he opened the folder named "School Work". That was the folder name I used to disguise my porn. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2021 14:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Cabin fever

Today, the only thing more unbearable than lockdown is lockdown with sloppy roommates, who do nothing but complain about each other behind their backs to me, and also bring up past events like a broken record. FML

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By notsoclean - United States

Today, I was at the dentist's, getting my teeth cleaned. He thought it would be funny to suddenly go on in detail about the fantastic sex he and his wife had the night before. I was unable to speak the entire time. The dentist is my grandpa. FML

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By numbnuts - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, my 2-year-old daughter overheard my wife and I arguing and fixated on one particular insult my wife threw at me. Now my daughter won't stop saying "Daddy a numbnuts", always with a big smile on her face. FML

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By bloodymatzaball - United States

Today, while I was at work, I heard one of my employees laughing on the phone. I told him to shut up and get back to work. Turns out he was actually crying because his father had just died. FML

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By ridella

Today, I was in the emergency room. The doctor told me that my injuries and back problems are the intensity of those after a car accident. I slipped on a grape. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I nervously introduced my mother to my new boyfriend. I had to sit and watch her flirt with him for an hour. When I took her in the other room and confronted her about it, she said, "Don't you dare ruin this for me!" FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2020 02:02

Kids say the darndest things

Today, I asked my 2-year-old if he loved me. His response? “No mama, stop.” FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Columbus

Today, I went to a new doctor. While filling out charts she looked up and said, "I'm assuming you are single." FML

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By killercow - United States

Today, I walked into the laundry room when my mom pulled a condom wrapper out of my pants pocket. She looked at me and said "you know you can't wash and reuse these." FML

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By dishwasherforlife - United States

Today, I filled out a 'perfect job placement' test, where you put down your skills, experience and education level and then it finds you jobs based on your abilities and areas of knowledge. No lie, the most compatible job they found for me was 'Dishwasher'. FML

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By kiki - United States

Today, before my date came to pick me up, I put tissues under my arms so I wouldn't leave wet marks. I forgot to remove them, and when we got physical, they fell out, looking like I'd stuffed my bra. FML

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By lonelyboy101 - United States

Today, I was at a club with my girlfriend of a year. A guy starts hitting on her while I'm sitting right next to her. He then asks her to go back to his place for some fun, I start laughing thinking that there is no chance she would even consider this. I walked home alone. FML

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By Tree

So clever. Wow.

Today, my boyfriend found some noise-canceling headphones that he forgot he had. Once he adjusted them and put them on, he sat down and asked me to tell him about my day. FML

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By Angel - United States - Utica

Today, while swimming under water, my 80-pound lab thought I was drowning and tried to "rescue" me by jumping in after me, wrapping his front legs around my neck, and standing on my chest. FML

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By diapermommy - United States

Today, my 5-year-old daughter saw a pad commercial. She asked me what they were, but I didn't think she was old enough to hear it. I just told her that they're like diapers for mommies. Now she won't stop telling people that mommy wears diapers. FML

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By sandwichsex - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend were fooling around on my bed when things started to get heated. I said to him, "Do what ever you want". He got up and said he'd be right back. I thought he went to get a condom. He came back with a sandwich. FML

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By pootythe5th - United States

Today, I was at my favorite Mexican restaurant when I realized my really cute waiter, along with his buddies kept looking at me and smiling. Trying to be cool, I took a bite of my burrito, choked, and spilled ground beef down my new shirt and in my bra. They laughed the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my brother thought it would be hilarious to put vinegar in my contact solution. I took my contacts out hours ago and my eyes still burn. FML

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By MessedXUp - United States

Today, I went on a date with a new guy after not dating for quite some time. I'd drank a lot of water, so I wouldn't eat so much on the date and look like a pig. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten how funny this guy really was. He made me laugh so hard, I peed all over myself. FML

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By hoser - Canada

Today, I went skiing. Trying to show off to some inexperienced skiers, I flew past them at my top speed, a bracket snapped off my boot and I slid on my face for about 30 metres. FML

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By poomaster - United States

Today, I spent an hour at work trying to make a tortoise poo. When he finally did, I was so excited and felt pretty triumphant. Then I realized that my job was to make animals drop their load. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was performing an experiment in science class. The prac required me to shake up a test tube filled with different materials. Taking the test tube in one hand, I shook it up and down. My teacher then stood next to me and said, "It's disturbing how good you are at that." FML

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By treehugger - Singapore - Singapore

Today, since I was grounded, I tried to sneak out of my room to attend a party by climbing out the second-storey window and down the tree. I was unharmed, but I probably should have checked to see if my dad was in the garden before climbing down. FML

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By dedeanne08 - United States - Newark

Today, I received some new snow boots I had ordered online. When I opened the package there was only one boot in the box. FML

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By Tinkerer - United States

Today, my stepbrother found my diary and read it. He then told my boyfriend how I had a crush on another guy, and no longer liked him, causing my boyfriend to break up with me. That diary was from the third grade. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today I was very excited to go to the post office to claim a parcel. I didn't know what it could be, so I assumed it was a gift. It turned out to be a speeding ticket. FML

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By avoid the sour cream - United States

Today, I'm sharing a hotel room with co-workers on a business trip. The walls are paper-thin, you could hear a pin drop, and I'm trying to make my explosive diarrhea as close to silent as possible. FML

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By Kev - United States - Flemington

Today, I got drunk, broke up with my girlfriend, and sent my grandma nude pics, thinking she was my girlfriend. Well, ex-girlfriend. FML

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By warp_routine - United States

Today, I got on an elevator with a woman and her child. I was the first one on. When she stepped on, the capacity alarm went off. As she left she told her daughter that's why fat people shouldn't be allowed in public. I'm 145 lbs. She was twice my size. I got called fat by a hippopotamus. FML

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By bandit99999 - United States

Today, to keep my phone safe while I went on some rides, I took it out of my pocket so I could put it in my bag. Just as I pulled it out, a woman ran into me, knocking my phone to the ground and breaking the screen. FML

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By 2yearsofHotSexThenThis - New Zealand

Today, after not having sex for nearly a year and a half, an opportunity arose. I couldn't get it up. FML

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By purpletrout - United States - Lansing

Today, my energetic 10-month-old decided to stay up four hours past bedtime. After I FINALLY got him to sleep, I tried to go to bed. My husband is now snoring, farting and taking up my side of the bed. I desperately need some sleep. FML

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Top comments

By Ninjaface | 0

#688916 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:10

You might want to check up on your boyfriend/husband too. Remember, if the smell of bacon doesn't get him to stir, then you've been screwing a mannequin.

By Maxine17 | 8

#688914 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:10

One of the few FML's nowadays where I actually laughed out loud.

Nice one!

COMMENTS

By beanstalk0311 | 0

#688906 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:06

That's just plain stupidity on your part haha

Reply

spiderman0606 | 0

#689143 - Thursday 26 November 2009 13:07

THIS IS A MLIA. GET OUTTA TOWN, TRAITOR.

By jen_jen | 0

#688910 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:08

did yoy buy it yourself??

By tennisplayer_fml | 0

#688913 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:10

that sucks

By Maxine17 | 8

#688914 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:10

One of the few FML's nowadays where I actually laughed out loud.

Nice one!

By Ninjaface | 0

#688916 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:10

You might want to check up on your boyfriend/husband too. Remember, if the smell of bacon doesn't get him to stir, then you've been screwing a mannequin.

By rinnychan | 2

#688918 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:13

This was just posted a few days ago.

Reply

rachelxx | 0

#688970 - Thursday 26 November 2009 10:20

.

Reply

uxoriouswidow | 0

#689137 - Thursday 26 November 2009 13:01

On MLIA...

By reapfml | 0

#688919 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:14

how do you not notice?

By el_erico | 0

#688921 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:14

Your life sucks even more because you posted this from MLIA.
http://mylifeisaverage.com/s/308707

By iMatter | 0

#688924 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:15

Wow, that really sucks; must of been an extreamly realistic plant for it to trick you that long…

By Jeremyy_fml | 0

#688926 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:15

haha idiot