Miss Philadelphia 35 years-old Single
Today, I got called a "politically correct loser" by a woman at the supermarket, all because I said I didn't want to find out the gender of my baby until birth. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 8 years moved in with two other women. He's spent the past 2 years telling me he can't afford to move out of his parent's house. FML
Today, for the first time this semester, I was able to get parking in time for my Wednesday class. The professor was sick and class was cancelled. FML
Today, my aunt asked to see my new airsoft pistol. Not thinking anything of it, I handed it to her. She shot me in the leg. I was standing next to her. FML
Today, I was mistaken for a prostitute after I got into the front seat of an elderly man's car. The man was my grandfather, and he was taking me to a doctor's appointment, since I wasn't going to be allowed to drive home after it. FML
Today, I was savagely beating my wife on Call of Duty, since she demanded that I play normally and not hold back. 15 minutes later, she was raging at me, calling me a bastard and saying she wished we'd never married. FML
Today, after 4 days of avoiding me and screening his calls, my 24-year-old boyfriend sent his mother to break up with me on his behalf. FML
Today, I watched porn on my phone for the first time and it went black and shut down. In reality my phone just died, but I thought for a few seconds that the government found me out. Paranoia much. FML
Today, I was pushing so hard to take a number two that I ended up passing out. FML
Today, thanks to the terrible carpool planning of one of my friends, I had the pleasure of driving both of my ex-boyfriends to homecoming. Neither one of them knew that I had dated the other, but they sure do now. FML
Today, one of my coworkers tried to convince me to be a model for his "foot fetish parties". I politely declined, just as I had the day before, and the day before that. This will probably continue every day, since our schedules are nearly identical. FML
Today, several coworkers think the operation scar on my wrist is really a failed suicide attempt, because I study design and apparently, "Artists are suicidal, right?" FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were at his parents' house when things started getting hot. Out of respect, we stopped and just cuddled, making us able to hear his parents banging. FML
Today, while looking through my son's browser history, I found a Google search for "stop looking in my history u nosey cunt". I swore last week that I don't invade his privacy, so I can't even punish him for the bad language without looking like a lying bastard. FML
Today, while on a haunted trail, I accidentally punched a high-schooler in the throat. FML
Today, the guy I've been seeing for a little over a week proposed to me. FML
Today, I awoke to the sound of my neighbors attacking my car with a baseball bat accusing me of calling the cops on them. I did call the cops on them, after they screamed at me last night, drunkenly, to call the cops for them because they thought they were being robbed. FML
Today, my brother slapped me across the face with a piece of raw chicken for not liking his Instagram post. FML
Today, I messaged the guy I've been seeing for 4 months, referring to him as my boyfriend. His response? "I didn't realize you had a boyfriend." FML
Today, I drove to my college campus for my 8 a.m. class, parked, walked the mile and a half to my classroom, just to find out class had been cancelled. The prof didn't send an email because she couldn't remember her password. I paid $1200 to be taught by this woman, who has a doctorate. FML
Today, I was working out in the gym when a fitness trainer came up to me and said it wasn't safe to be exercising while this far along in a pregnancy. I was too ashamed to tell them that I'm not pregnant, so I went along with it. Time to find a new gym. FML
Today, the father of my unborn child got laid off. Without a work visa, he may have to leave the country before this baby even arrives. FML
Today, I found out that my fiancé's sister, who only got engaged a couple of months ago, is getting married before us. I wouldn't have a problem with this if she wasn't planning her wedding to be exactly like ours will be. FML
Today, I accidentally Googled "best types of incest" instead of "best types of incense" on the family computer. The parental controls went nuts. I'm now grounded, and my parents are convinced I need psychiatric help. FML
Today, I found my daughter's fanfiction account. I need a new pair of eyes, or brain bleach, or both. FML
Today, I was stabbed because a mugger got mad that I was broke. FML
Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML
Today, I noticed a guy checking out my ass in the mirror behind the bar where I work. He was cute, so I thought I'd put on a little show. I bent over to reach for something near the floor, which caused me to let rip a series of uncontrollable farts, like popping bubble wrap. He quickly left. FML
Today, my blind date tried to sell me a vacuum. I bought it. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 6 years broke up with me. That would have been fine, if we hadn't just moved in with his mother a week ago to save money. FML
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