Today, I realized the closest thing I have to guys hitting on me are the ones who ask to be my friend on Call of Duty because I have the word "girl" in my name. FML
Today, my boyfriend finally called me after a week of barely any communication. He wanted to talk to my brother about Call of Duty. FML
Today, while helping my dad look for his watch, I found his porn collection. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted to make the most of his 1 month X-Box Live coupon. FML
Today, my girlfriend's mom and dad walked in on us while we were playing naked Twister. FML
Today, I got Wii Fit, Wii Mario Kart and Wii Mario Galaxy for my birthday, I don't have a Wii. FML
Today, my boyfriend admitted that he finds his car more attractive than me. FML
Today, I was told I look like Susan Boyle. FML
Today, I came home to find my younger daughter left her silly band collection on the carpet in front of the fireplace. I now have melted unicorns and princesses stuck in my carpet. FML
Today, I received a restraining order from a girl I have never met. FML
Today, the waiter farted while I was on a date. My date thought it was me. FML
Today, I realized that the only boy who ever called me pretty was my 5-year-old brother. My sister then scolded him for lying. FML
Today, I realized I've been playing too much Call of Duty. I started screaming, "Spawn, bitch! Spawn!" at my microwavable pizza while it was in the microwave. FML
Today, I just found out that my ex girlfriend is gonna be my step mother. FML
Today, a telemarketer found me so weird that he hung up on me. FML
Today, in my journalism class, after trying hard to find some actual news to comment, we ended up talking about gay porn and fashion designers. FML
Today, was my first day at school. I got kicked out of the class for imitating a monkey. I wasn't imitating a monkey... I was laughing. FML
Today, I took my driver's test. I was so nervous that I peed my pants halfway through the exam. FML
Today, I helped two people find the central station on my way home. As a thank you, they mugged me and stole my wallet and iPod Touch. FML
Today, I was seated, once again, at the "too small" children's table. I'm twenty. FML
Today, I had to make up a boyfriend to stop my lesbian roommate coming onto me. FML
Today, I caught my daughter attempting to stick pencils up our cat's butt. FML
Today, my girlfriend got a great idea for her history class project... while we were having sex. FML
Today, two guys broke into my apartment to rob me at gunpoint. While I was wanking. FML
Today, I got fired from the job I'd had for eleven years for going onto Facebook while on the clock. When I got home, I saw that my boss had updated his status, from work, to "Finally fired that bitch." FML
Today, I was about to lose my virginity. I couldn't get it up. FML
Today, my son told his teacher that she "has a nice rack." He's four. FML
Today, I decided to take a nap in the university library. I felt like I'd only closed my eyes for a minute, when a guy woke me up to tell me that I'd been farting in my sleep for the last half hour, and that the librarian was becoming concerned. FML
Today, my daughter and husband surprised me at work. A whole bunch of my co-workers were standing around me when she ran up and hugged me. Her face is level with my crotch. She immediately jumped back from the hug and said, "Ewwww, smells like fish." FML
Today, the elevator got stuck in between floor 4 and 5 at my doctors office. I had been having violent diarrhea. It was the reason I was at the doctor. Elevator was stuck for 35 minutes. During that time, I diarrhea'd in my pants twice. There were seven other people in the elevator. FML
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