Bossgirlhana

Today, out of all the cars in the parking lot, mine got struck by lightning. FML

Road trip

Today, I'm going on an 8-hour drive with my insane family. This usually means screaming arguments, graphic conversations about my dad's pubes, some karaoke, plenty of farting, some stale Pringles, and an obese golden retriever on my lap the entire time. Arizona, here we come. FML

Today, my son stuck coins in our DVD player. It would be cute if he wasn't 25. FML

*Banjo starts playing in the background*

Today, I met my boyfriend's whole family. Between them they had about 10 teeth. FML

Stuck on ugly

Today, I found out that my parents took me to a specialist when I was a baby because they thought I had a facial deformity. It turns out I'm just ugly. FML

Today, I woke up with extreme stomach pains. After being rushed to the hospital and having numerous tests performed, I was told my intestines were over-stretched with stool. I'm essentially so full of shit it hurts. FML

Today, I found out that my fiancé is going to be deployed on our wedding day. FML

Today, I found out that I can't pass a field sobriety test while sober. FML

Tasty!

Today, my boyfriend told me the thing that gets him really horny. Apple sauce. FML

So sad

Today, I cried harder than I have in years. I was babysitting, and watching Pokémon to pass the time. It was the episode where Ash, Dawn, and Brock on the show went their separate ways, and may never be together again. FML

Vegas, my ass

Today, it looks like I may have an STD. My fiancé and his friends went to Vegas two months ago. He says he's been completely faithful. They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Turns out that's not quite true. FML

Today, my sister lost a leg. Immediately after hearing the news, my boyfriend started cracking jokes about getting her a job at IHOP. FML

Today, I dreamed I was getting married. I was wearing a white dress, had incredible cleavage and perfectly done makeup. Just one problem. I'm a guy. FML

Today, I was at a grocery store with my 3 year old son. As I was picking a cereal out, an older man comes over and says, "You should have used condoms. What an ugly boy." FML

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend why being with a girl while being with me is cheating. FML

Run for the hills!

Today, I went to my high school reunion. I was super excited to see what everyone had done in their lives. The nerdy guy I bullied is now a U.S. Marine and already has two deployments in Afghanistan under his belt. He looked at me in his dress blues and said, "I remember you." FML

Today, I dislocated my collarbone while trying remove my bra without taking off my shirt. FML

Today, it's my birthday. I got a phone call from my high school bully, to remind me that he'll always be able to find me and do whatever he wants to me. He does this every year. I turn 34 today. FML

Today, at a family reunion, my dad announced to everyone that I'd finally started my menstrual cycle. My grandmother started sobbing hysterically. FML

My eyes! My eyes!

Today, while walking home, the gods were kind enough to grace me with the sight of an old man jogging past me in nothing but a pair of short shorts. The image of his balls swinging to and fro underneath like a pendulum has been forever burned into my retinas. FML

Today, I discovered that if I work out, I can't get an erection, but if I don't work out, my penis functions fine. This wouldn't be such a problem if I wasn't a professional bodybuilder. FML

Today, my beloved pet chicken ran away from home. I got so distraught that my dad offered to buy me dinner. Specifically, KFC. FML

Today, I learned what it felt like to get shot in the nuts by an airsoft gun. Thank you, Mom. FML

Today, my class was assigned lockers. Out of all the lockers in the entire school, mine is the only one to still have graffiti on it from last year. The tagger's choice of words? "Poop face." FML

Today, I'd just finished feeding my parrot and sweeping all the seeds under the cage. As I was walking away, my parrot whistled. I turned around to see him get up onto the food dish, pick up a clawful of food and toss it on the floor. FML

Today, while I was waiting in line at McDonald's, I found out I can sneeze, pee, and poop all at the same time. FML

Today, I got trapped in an elevator with a chicken. FML

Today, I somehow managed to slam my trumpet case closed on my nipple. FML

Great idea

Today, I tried to open the door with my mouth because my hands were full. I chipped a tooth. FML

Today, I got circumcised by my girlfriend's braces. FML