Tallahassee, United States 27 years-old
Today, I found out that after working in the same office for five years, I now work with three of my husband's ex-girlfriends. FML
Today, I came home to find my drunken father sitting on our front lawn. He had a blanket, lit candle, and was singing with his eyes closed. He told me he believed he was Buddha from watching the history channel. Meanwhile, cars were driving by our house beeping, and yelling "praise the lord!" FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me. I tried to hide my sadness from my mom. She still noticed, and tried to cheer me up. She took me to a funeral. FML
Today, my boyfriend brought me home flowers and candy for the first time in our one-year relationship. Thinking he was going to finally propose, I got excited. I asked why he was being so sweet, and he responded with, "I thought you'd take the breakup better this way." FML
Today, my boyfriend decided to come over and surprise me. When he got to my apartment and heard the shower running, he decided get in and join me. I was walking my dog, my mother is in town for the weekend. FML
Today, my dad planted and "discovered" a pack of cigarettes in my backpack to distract my mom from his gambling problem. FML
Today, I found out that my best friend lost her virginity to my father. Her excuse? She was drunk. His excuse? "She's hot." FML
Today, I realized that my parents never ground me as a punishment because I don't get out enough for it to matter. FML
Today, at the museum I volunteer at, I was touching some of the things in the exhibit where you can feel what natural boobs and testes feel like. I started rolling the "boob" like a stress ball and forgot where I was. When I realized people were staring, it became very awkward. FML
Today, I heard water splashing outside of my house; I investigated it, only to find my dad, whom I don't live with, syphoning gas out of my car. FML
Today, I quit my job after I overheard my boss doing a 'hysterical' impression of me telling her about my dad's heart condition. FML
Today, I learned that my parents' nickname for my fiancé is "dickwad." FML
Today, I broke my toe. My mom didn't think it was necessary to take me to hospital, opting to give me some painkillers instead. They were so strong that I fell asleep for an hour during my exam. FML
Today, for the first time all month I felt truly proud and accomplished. I finally figured out how to change the toilet seat. FML
Today, my dad married his fiancée, who insists I call her "Mom." I'm three years older than her, and went to the same high school. She's taking me shopping next week to buy me "something nice." FML
Today, I got fired from my job at a small start-up company. Why? The CEO wanted to give a job to one of his former fraternity brothers who is out of work, and they couldn't afford to keep us both. FML
Today, I went to a friend's wedding. While I was holding my four year old son, he managed to unclip the back of my dress and give the whole church a show. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I went shooting. While I was showing him how to properly hold and adjust a rifle, he accidentally pulled the trigger. The gun kicked back and hit me in the face, breaking my nose. FML
Today, I learned that if I don't give my mom attention immediately after she calls my name, she will throw a baseball at me. FML
Today, I introduced my parrot to oranges. Now she makes a high pitched scream if I don't give her any, and I've just run out of oranges. FML
Today, I was helping some friends put supplies in my crush's car for our picnic. His girlfriend cracked a joke about me, so I just sarcastically laughed and slammed the door shut. Now she has three broken fingers, and I have a reputation as a psychopath. FML
Today, someone broke into my house. They stole my TV, DVD player and a few DVDs. However they only took about 2 out of 100 DVDs. Apparently that's how bad my taste is in movies. FML
Today, I found out that I was adopted. I'm 46 years old with 11 real siblings and no one bothered to tell me until I found the documents in my dead adoptive father's house. FML
Today, my mom took a bright red sharpie and drew a red circle just above my breasts. She said, "If I can see this, ever, your shirt is either too low cut or too see through and it will be thrown away." FML
Today, I caught my best friend in bed with my current boyfriend. Apparently watching movies naked is "the new in thing". FML
Today, I had to cancel my birthday party because of snow. It's October. FML
Today, my dad was putting seasoning salt into his mashed potatoes, when the lid came off and poured a ton of salt into the pot. My parents hate wasting food, so we still had to eat it. I think my taste buds are broken. FML
Today, I found out that a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser will erase the paint right off your wall. FML
Today, at university I was tearing off some "Help Japan" posters off the wall, figuring that they have been up for a while. Just as a group of visiting Japanese reporters passed by. FML
Today, I decided to get my ass in shape and went to the gym. I got motion-sickness on the elliptical. FML
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