Mr 7 years-old
Today, I heard the four most dreaded words known to man during my first time: "Is it in yet?" It was. FML
Today, my mom confused me with my dad. She got in the shower with me. FML
Today, I got circumcised by my zipper. FML
Today, my toilet decided it wouldn't take any more shit from me, and flooded the bathroom. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were making out when he sweetly whispered in my ear, "It's not gonna suck itself." FML
Today, I lost my virginity to the woman of my dreams. I finished before entering. I'm 28 years old. FML
Today, while using the restroom at McDonald's, a hand reached under my stall and took the remaining toilet paper. FML
Today, my roommate demanded that I dance naked for him as a birthday present. When I declined, he offered to pay me. When I declined again, he stormed off to pout in his room and played really loud depressing music. We're both guys and I have 11 months left on my lease with him. FML
Today, I finally lost my virginity. In my boyfriend's racecar bed. FML
Today, my girlfriend started to plan our wedding. We've been going out for 3 days. FML
Today, while I was waiting in line at McDonald's, I found out I can sneeze, pee, and poop all at the same time. FML
Today, while sitting on the toilet, my phone pocket dialed my boss's cell. He was in the next stall. He answered. FML
Today, on a dating site, I was matched with my brother, again. FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to have sex with a piece of fruit. FML
Today, I saw my dad sitting in the car alone, blaring classical music, blowing up beach balls. FML
Today, my wife posted on Facebook, "FUCK THA POLICE!" She got 40 likes. I'm a police officer. FML
Today, my dad threw a waffle at my face for his own amusement. FML
Today, I found out how it feels to get your nut-sack caught in a belt buckle. FML
Today, I found out my marriage counselor is currently going through her second divorce. FML
Today, I went all the way for the first time with my girlfriend. After I had finished, she asked me, "What just happened? Was that sex?" I wasn't sure either. FML
Today, in an attempt to be sexy, my boyfriend picked me up and threw me down onto the bed. I fell straight through it. FML
Today, I was T-boned at an intersection. In an ambulance. On the way to the hospital after being T-boned at an intersection. FML
Today, I finally hooked up with the girl of my dreams. We went back to her place, and I explored every inch of her body; luscious lips, hourglass curves, genital warts... The worst part was when she got angry when I refused to continue, shouting, "No wonder you're still a virgin!" FML
Today, I got a mosquito bite inside my cast. FML
Today, my son got suspended from school. He's in kindergarten. FML
Today, my drunk girlfriend maxed out my credit card, on an "authentic" Jesus Christ autograph on eBay. FML
Today, I received several texts congratulating me on my pregnancy. It turns out that my husband announced he is going to be a father on Facebook, which I don't use. I'm not pregnant. FML
Today, I got a letter from Yale Law School saying I got a 4 year full scholarship. I called my dad crying and read the whole thing… even the bottom of the letter, which said, "April fools' ! Love, Mom and Dad." FML
Today, I dressed up as Batman for a comic book convention. I was hit by a car on the way there by a man dressed up as the Joker for the same convention. FML
Today, my wife told me that getting in the mood to have sex with me is like trying to get in the mood to hit the treadmill. FML
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