Miss Elkview, USA 40 years-old In a relationship
Today, it was my birthday. I got ONE birthday greeting: from my bank, telling me they were closing my account. FML
Today, the seat in my car broke and wouldn't move forward. I had to walk to school in the rain because I was too short to reach the pedals. FML
Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML
Today, I was prescribed anti-anxiety medication due to the high level of stress that I experience at my job. Unfortunately, I cannot afford the medication because I do not make enough money at said job. FML
Today, my phone wasn't working properly. After sending out 40 texts and getting no replies, I decided to test my phone by sending it a text from my old phone. The text came through straight away. Turns out my phone's working perfectly and 40 people are just ignoring me. FML
Today, I was taking a crap in a public stall when three kids broke down the door and pelted me with eggs. FML
Today, it's my wedding day, and I have uncontrollable diarrhea. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me how she loves when I kiss her out of the blue. I don't have the heart to admit I only do it so I can get some peace and quiet for a few seconds. FML
Today, I learned that if I don't give my mom attention immediately after she calls my name, she will throw a baseball at me. FML
Today, I was having dinner with my boyfriend. We'd just got our food when my dad walks in, comes up to our table and says, "I didn't say you could leave, you're too young to be dating him", then drags me out of the restaurant. We are both 15, and it was my first date. FML
Today, I was the designated driver. It was also my birthday party. FML
Today, my husband told me that he never washes his hands after using the bathroom because he thinks it's only for "paranoid people". FML
Today, my bike got stolen because I left my keys in the lock. On my way home, I saw my bike in front of a store, unlocked. I jumped on it, only to get punched in the face by the guy that had taken it, and got it stolen from me again. FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me by writing a breakup note with permanent marker on my newly painted bedroom wall. FML
Today, I walked in on my mom ranting on about what a useless bitch I am. She was talking to my cat. It's not the first time this has happened, either. FML
Today, I visited my son at work. He's an interpreter for the government. As I watched him converse with a group of men, I was overcome with pride. Then the woman next to me said, "I can't believe they're talking about that in public." They were discussing masturbation techniques. FML
Today, my child-hating friend who vowed never to have any no matter what, announced that she's pregnant. I've had three IVF cycles, spent $90k in fertility treatments, and still can't conceive. FML
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that a tornado is not the same thing as a hurricane. I couldn't convince him, and he still won't talk to me. FML
Today, it was my first day as a police officer. A couple of hours into the shift, we got a call. A man was drunkenly jeering and urinating on parked cars. That man turned out to be my father. FML
Today, I bought a UV light so I could detect cat pee, since I was sure my cat was relieving herself on the carpet. I decided to try it out in the living room first. Nearly half the room lit up like a Christmas tree. FML
Today, my six-year-old got in an argument with my four-year-old. I told them to go outside. The next thing I know, my son was standing in front of his sister's burning Barbie's Malibu Dream House, singing "Burn Baby Burn" and cackling madly. FML
Today, my boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to viciously rip off my thong. My ass crack is numb. FML
Today, a kid came trick or treating to my house. When I told him Halloween was nearly two weeks ago, his reaction was to savagely kick me in the shin and run off screaming obscenities. This is the same kid who broke down in tears when I gave him candy on the real Halloween. FML
Today, I saw my neighbor's Christmas tree they had put up on their porch, with decorative presents under it. Being that my neighbors hate me, I figured I would take a present to piss them off. While walking back home with the present, I opened it. Inside it read "I knew you would, douche bag." FML
Today, I got to say, "My best friend hooked up with my step-sister's grandma's aunt" and be correct. FML
Today, I was with my boyfriend and we were talking about childhood memories. He told me about a girl he used to make fun of in middle school. That was me. FML
Today, I was getting dressed in my bedroom with the blinds open and had nothing covering my top half. I thought my neighbours wouldn't be able to see in through all the trees, that was until I heard someone wolf whistle and one of my neighbours running away. FML
Today, my coworker friend told me she was going to the restroom. Soon after, I did the same. Once in the stall, I could smell a stench emanating from the next one. I yelled, "Ew, you stinky bitch" and sprayed air freshener under the partition. As I left the stall, my friend walked into the restroom. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, saying we're too different. His only example? He likes ham and I don't. FML
Today, I walked into the Macy's bathroom to find Santa taking a dump with the door open. Merry Christmas. FML
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