Mr Charles Town, WV, USA 39 years-old Single
Today, my boss lectured me on the evils of alcohol and how it was 'prohibited' during the 1980s. I said nothing because he hates being corrected. FML
Today, I was told that I was an idiot by a little girl because I didn't deliver a pizza to her house fast enough. FML
Today, I learned why my credit score is so low. My mom stole my identity almost three years ago. Her excuse? "You didn't need good credit for anything anyways". FML
Today, I was at the mall and I saw a kid crying. I asked her "What's wrong sweetie, are you lost?" She ran away screaming "Help me!" I ended up having to explain to a dumb mall cop that I'm not a perv. FML
Today, I tickled my girlfriend, and her first reflex was to swing her elbow back and break my nose. FML
Today, I quit my job after I overheard my boss doing a 'hysterical' impression of me telling her about my dad's heart condition. FML
Today, at 6am I was waiting for the tram to go home from my late night job. A homeless man came up to me and offered to buy me a beer because "guys like us have to stick together." FML
Today, I went to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The day before, I was too anxious to eat anything, so I went in with an empty stomach. There were complications during the extraction and now I'm not allowed to eat for the next 24 hours. FML
Today, after being out of the closet for over three years, I learned that some of my friends still don't believe me that I am really a lesbian. They still think I made the whole thing up because I can't get a man. FML
Today, I walked in on my brother slipping into a pair of panties. Specifically, a pair of my panties. FML
Today, my 12 year old cousin decided that "all men are pigs" and deleted every male contact in my phone. FML
Today, I had the misfortune of being left alone with my dad. He took it as an opportunity to tell me in detail all about his recent vasectomy, and the complications the surgeon had due to the scar tissue on my dad's testicles. FML
Today, my apartment burned to the ground. I was packed and ready to move out tomorrow. FML
Today, my mum's boyfriend came back from a job up-state. He is now walking around the house in boxers to "show off his tan". He has a beer gut and a hairy back. FML
Today, my boyfriend wouldn't kiss me because there was a picture of Superman on my shirt. FML
Today, my Dad sat me down and told me that I was adopted. I was unbelievably shocked by this revelation and asked him why he'd never told me this before. His response was, "I didn't know!" FML
Today, I began to walk across the street when I saw a very familiar old lady struggle across it. I walked over to help her, and only after she had blown her rape whistle and socked me in the nuts did she realize I was her grandson. FML
Today, for breakfast, there were scrambled eggs, boiled eggs, bacon, sausages, fresh bread, croissants, brownies, donuts, fruit smoothie, coffee, tea and orange juice. Too bad no one bothered wake me up. FML
Today, it's my birthday. I got a phone call from my high school bully, to remind me that he'll always be able to find me and do whatever he wants to me. He does this every year. I turn 34 today. FML
Today, after spending time with my daughter and painting her nails she gives me a hug and says, "Mommy I love you, but I love daddy much better!" FML
Today, my mom tried to get me to shoplift. From the dollar store. FML
Today, my pet fish died because my drunk father microwaved it. FML
Today, my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me. She took everything, including the kidney I gave her a year ago. FML
Today, I walked outside my house to find my father in nothing but his underwear, spraying ants with ant-killer, laughing like a maniac and screaming, "Die bitches! Die!" FML
Today, I noticed how big my brother's package is. If it hadn't been for the fact that my family has taken up walking around naked half the day, I never would have had to. FML
Today, my dad told me I'm no longer allowed to see my boyfriend. Apparently there is a deer camera above my driveway that snaps pictures whenever it senses movement. Too bad I didn't know that when I was giving my boyfriend head in the driveway. FML
Today, I picked up a lady's dropped wallet and chased after her despite my sprained ankle. When I finally caught up with her, she smashed her chili sauce filled hotdog across my face and kicked me in the groin, accusing me of stealing her wallet. I was kept at the police station for 3 hours. FML
Today, my mom found out I'm failing three classes. Now she won't let me go to a convention I bought passes for weeks in advance. Each pass was $45, and I bought 2 more for my friends. You do the math on that, because I apparently can't. FML
Today, I went running. I live in a small town and people know me fairly well. It was dark when I went to avoid the heat. I was almost finished with my run when the cop comes up and asks me what I'm running from. Clearly being fat and out of shape is not a good enough alibi. FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy I met online. It was going OK, until he started asking me if he should stick with the site until he finds the right person. I guess I know how he feels about me, at least. FML
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