Xena_fml

Today, I pretended to go for a run to impress someone on AIM. FML

Weird flex, but OK

Today, one of my mum's dinner guests walked in on me and my boyfriend kissing, only to let out a horrified scream. Apparently, my mum had introduced my boyfriend as her son, as she's embarrassed of my real brother. FML

Today, my car was stolen. From my driveway. By the guy who sold it to me. FML

Today, I found out I won't be able to go to college. Why? My sister's horse needs surgery. FML

Today, I put on makeup for a picture. My Facebook profile picture. That's how much of a life I actually have. FML

Today, my Platoon Sergeant caught me unshaved, so now I have to write a 1000 word essay on "The importance of shaving." FML

Today, I found out that my overprotective parents hired a private investigator a month ago, who since then has been watching my perfectly normal boyfriend, in case he "tries to rape or kill" me. We're both 25 years old. FML

Today, I witnessed a series of nude old people cycling in the city. I was eating. FML

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he finds his car more attractive than me. FML

Today, while my friends were over, my mom took too many of her pills and walked around the house nude. She then bit me. FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me. When I confronted him about it, he asked which girl I'd found out about. FML

Today, I got woken up by Hallelujah blasting outside my apartment windows for 30 minutes straight. FML

Today, I ended up sleeping on the dirty floor because my sister didn't want to share a king size bed with me. She got up to get a drink and stepped on my face. FML

Fear Factor

Today, while leaving a restaurant, a little boy grabbed onto my leg and screamed, "Mommy! Don't leave me!" Then he looked up at my face, said, "Ewww," and ran away screaming in fear. FML

Today, I was on the toilet, when my Mom thought it would be a fun idea to barge in, take a picture of me, post it on Facebook, and tag me. FML

Many such cases

Today, I pulled a muscle in my arm while wiping my butt. FML

Today, my step-mom informed me that she and my dad will not be attending my wedding because they will be at a NASCAR race. FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is only staying with me for the present I promised him for his birthday. FML

Understanding

Today, after struggling with an eating disorder and hiding my symptoms for months, I got up the courage to tell my mom that I need help. Then she asked if an ice cream would make me feel better. FML

Today, my husband won't talk to me because he got mad when I asked him what he thought about 'that lame performance last night'. He doesn't believe that I really was talking about football. FML

Today, I got punched in the face by a girl for asking if she was okay after I had seen her crying. FML

Lose-lose

Today, I found out that my mother has been seeing my maths teacher. I'm still failing his class. FML

Today, I spent the entire day at school being called Meg. My name isn't Meg, so I started to get really annoyed and confused. Later, I found out it was because I look like Meg from the show Family Guy. She's known for being unpopular, unwanted, ugly, and stupid. FML

Today, my dad gave me a football signed by my favourite football player. It would've been great, except that I saw my dad sign it in front of me. The worst part is that he denies doing it. FML

Today, I was kicked out of class for having a coughing fit. Yesterday, I was kicked out of class for sleeping, a side effect of my cough suppressant. Three absents from this class and I automatically fail. FML

Today, I started my first day at a new hospital. My first assignment? Shave an elderly man's testicles. FML

Today, I was working on my family genealogy. I found out that my best friend's great-grandfather murdered my great-grandfather. FML

Today, I received a friend request on Facebook. I didn't know her, but she was cute, so I accepted the request. After looking at her pictures, I sent her a message saying "What's up cutie, do I know you?". She responded "Yes, I'm your cousin". FML

Mindfullness

Today, I found out I was pregnant. I told my boyfriend, who held me and promised it'd be alright, and he'd never leave me. One sandwich later, he'd forgotten about the whole thing, and dumped me when I reminded him. FML

Lost in translation

Today, I'm on holiday in Vietnam, and was wearing a new shirt. In a restaurant, the waitress pointed at my shirt and said something I couldn't understand, so I just smiled and nodded my head. She then gave me a weird look and walked away. Turns out there was a huge spider on it. FML