ryanchew3

Today, I spent five minutes trying to kill a spider with my mind. FML

Today, I found my underwear in my brother's pillow as well as my vibrator and Victoria's Secret magazines. FML

You've tried this before, right?

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. He tried to put it in unerected. He was serious. FML

Today, it was the first time my boyfriend saw me naked. He grabbed my breasts and began to sing, "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts." He's 22. FML

Just no

Today, I tried to quit my job. My boss just looked at me and said, "No. You can't quit." FML

Today, I went on a third date with a guy, hoping that maybe finally I would get some physical interaction. I did. I got a high five. FML

Today, I realized that I am the only one among my group of friends who names their bowel movements. FML

Today, I was woken up by my own fart. FML

Today, my boyfriend decided to name his penis "Jesus". For the last two hours he's been continuously asking if I "want to be touched by Jesus" or will I "let Jesus in to spread his warmth." FML

Today, my boyfriend came to my workplace and presented me with a lock of his hair. His pubic hair that he'd just cut. FML

Today, my mother walked in on my boyfriend licking whipped cream off my nipples. FML

New to me

Today, I found out there is such a thing as eyebrow dandruff, and that I have it. FML

Today, I tried drinking "Smart Water" for the first time. I couldn't figure out how to open the bottle. FML

Today, I Googled my father, who I haven't seen in 3 years. The first website link was his obituary. When I confronted my mom about it, she said, "Oh, didn't I tell you?" and walked off. FML

Today, I put a tampon in. The string broke. I had to go to the hospital to get it out. FML

Today, I got hit by a Salami log thrown from a car; its metal wire cut my shoulder. I got scarred by a flying hunk of pig. FML

Today, my crush walked me home. As my mom opens the door, she tells me in Russian how ugly he is, and that I have extremely bad taste. Out of all the languages in the world, he happens to be fluent in Russian. FML

Countdown

Today, my wife checked the time while we were having sex. Twice. FML

Change the station

Today, I managed to not think too much about how alone I feel living in a strange city, and I went out to find a quiet place to write and eat. After I ordered my meal, I saw that I was the only diner that was sitting alone at a table. Then "All By Myself" came on the radio. FML

Hello there!

Today, after pulling an all-nighter, I had the pleasure of meeting my girlfriend's mother for the very first time. She walked in on me in the bathroom; I'd completely lost focus and fallen asleep while taking a shit. FML

Big question

Today, I overheard my boyfriend of two years tell his friend he was going to "pop the question." Ecstatic, I wore my nicest dress and got my hair done for dinner. Near the end, he leant in romantically and asked if we could start doing anal. So much for marriage. FML

Today, my husband yawned in the middle of our wedding vows. FML

Today, my mom duly informed me I'm the reason people have middle fingers. FML

Today, I had to explain to my friend why it's inappropriate to conduct a phone conversation while simultaneously eating a bagel, listening to music, and taking a shit. FML

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job. As I reached my climax, she thought it would be funny to turn my 'weapon' against me. Boom, headshot. FML

Today, my 400 pound roommate brought home a 400 pound guy. Now there's 800 pounds of sex going on in the next room, and it sounds like the invasion of Normandy in there. FML

Today, I found out my dad ate my pet rabbit two years ago. He said he ran away. FML

Today, I realized I get more pleasure from a tampon than my boyfriend I have been having sex with for the past six months. FML

Today, while waiting on a customer at a restaurant, I accidentally asked a midget if she'd like a children's menu. FML

Well played, you mutt

Today, I cleaned up my dog's crap after my wife asked me. Five minutes later she yelled at me for being lazy as she slammed the door leaving for work. My dog had shat in the exact same spot, apparently to make me look stupid. FML