rachelpfitzner

Today, I thought it'd be cool and trendy to buy a Blackberry Storm. FML

Today, I woke up and it was Monday. FML

Today, I made my new girlfriend orgasm for the first time. All she said after was "I drooled a little". FML

Today, I called a priest "lame". He responded jokingly with "God will smite you!" I laughed and walked out the door. I tripped and broke my ankle. FML

Today, I went to confession. I told the priest that I had an intimate relationship with a woman that I'm not married to. He chuckled and said, "You know, lying is a sin too." I wasn't lying. FML

Today, my mom had one too many and announced to all of my friends that, if she had the opportunity, she would bang Gwen Stefani. FML

Today, I introduced my family to beerpong. They especially liked the part about distracting each other while shooting. My grandma flashed me. FML

Saucy

Today, I was texting this guy that I hooked up with yesterday. We were gonna do it again but he had basketball practice. I was talking to my friend about it, and sent her a text saying "Oh well. I have explosive diarrhea anyways." She wasn't replying, so I checked my sent box. I sent it to him. FML

Today, I found out that whilst I was asleep last night, my boyfriend was playing on his XBox. I also found out that whenever he unlocked a new level, achievement or just generally beat someone's ass, he would celebrate by pulling out one of his pubes and putting it in my mouth. FML

Today, I took my brother and nieces to the zoo. Two of the lions at the exhibit were mating, so I said, "They're playing leap-frog." My 4-year-old niece said, "Looks like they're fucking to me." FML

Today, I went on a first date to the movies. During the flick, I choked on a piece of popcorn. I took a gulp of soda and that got stuck as well. I finally got my breath back and let out the loudest burp I ever have. He looked at me and said, "Does this mean I can fart now?" FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend in a sexy way "What should we do now, honey?" He answered, "Suck my dick?" I said "I was thinking of something more... romantic." He replied "Suck my dick in the moonlight?" FML

Book him!

Today, there were reports of a drunk and disorderly male, and I arrived at the scene only to discover a drunk guy having explosive diarrhoea in a photo booth. He turned to me and shouted "God save the Queen!" It's then that I remembered it was my job to do something about it. FML

Better out than in

Today, I was on a bench enjoying the sun, when a guy comes and sits next to me. Next thing I know, he lets out a loud fart, then looks my way with pride. I stare back in shock. He then says to me, "Yeah, that just happened," and walks off. FML

No rizz

Today, I went to see a famous rapper perform. My girlfriend got us up to the front to get pictures with him. He went to give me a high-five, I thought it was a fist-bump, so I made a fist. So he made a fist while I made a palm to match his retracted high-five. Then I panicked, cupped his fist, and ran. FML

Dirty talk

Today, I felt like spicing up our marriage, so I thought I'd surprise my husband when he got home from work. I put on my sexiest teddy, lit some candles, and laid on the bed. He walked in the room, looked at me for a second, farted, then asked me what was for dinner. FML

Misheard

Today, while registering at the grocery store, a customer came into my lane with a 100 piece boiled shrimp platter. Feeling hungry, I muttered, "Nom nom" under my breath. The old man called my supervisor. Apparently I called him a moron. FML

Today, my cat sneezed directly into my open eyeball. FML

Make it rain

Today, my mother walked in on me rubbing $400 in $20 bills all over myself. FML

Today, I had to sell my phone to pay for the phone bill. FML

Today, I cheated on my math exam. I still failed. FML

Going medieval

Today, I had my friends help me put on a suit of full plate armor for a medieval re-enactment. After the battle, my friends left. I can't get the armor off by myself and will probably have to sleep in it. FML

Today, I got mugged by a midget. FML

Today, my cat took a shit in my toaster. FML

Today, it's been 5 years I've been working for a man that won't admit he has Tourette's. He sits at his desk, twitching his head and hissing like a snake. He's also randomly said things like 'nipples', 'Jessica Simpson', 'potato peeler', etc. I feel like it's become my job to warn new employees. FML

Today, I dreamed that I was kidnapped by Charlie Sheen. FML

Today, my husband got out of the shower, came downstairs naked screaming ''EMBRACE THE HARDNESS!!'' Little did he know, my step mother was sitting right there at the kitchen table. FML

Today, I got concussion after a goat ran in front of me while I was jogging. FML

Go home, you're drunk

Today, my football coach thought it would be a good idea to get drunk, run to the other sideline, and scream, "WELCOME TO SPARTA, BITCH!" This would've been funny if he weren't also my dad. FML

Today, my dad texted me while I was in school saying, "Your cat vomited. Covered it up with a bowl so you can clean it when you come home." FML