Work: Today, it's been 5 years I've been working for a man that won't...

By ShakeRattleHiss - 20/04/2011 15:25 - Canada

Today, it's been 5 years I've been working for a man that won't admit he has Tourette's. He sits at his desk, twitching his head and hissing like a snake. He's also randomly said things like 'nipples', 'Jessica Simpson', 'potato peeler', etc. I feel like it's become my job to warn new employees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 126

You deserved it 4 717

Work

Taking stock

Our house, in the middle of our street

Sing me to sleep

A tale as old as time

By flopsy - 03/12/2010 16:19 - Australia

Today, I was about to lose my virginity. I couldn't get it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 292

You deserved it 11 323

By feiedbutter - 07/12/2013 14:55 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my wife made me a Sex Rewards Chart, where I get points by doing chores and such, and 50 points gets me some action. She refuses to even look at me if I haven't earned the points, and is contemplating sleeping alone in the guest room until I earn more points. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 786

You deserved it 20 652

By Anonymous - 24/01/2017 12:00

Today, my lovely boyfriend decided to make grilled cheese on his own for the first time in months. Apparently, within that time span he forgot that plastic doesn't go well with prolonged heat. Goodbye favorite pan and spatula. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 652

You deserved it 513

By Pierce - 05/06/2009 16:56 - United States

Today, I was with my 14 year old son when we saw a baby sparrow being attacked by four or five blackbirds. We rushed up, waving our arms and scared away the much bigger attackers. The baby sparrow ran toward us for protection, then went past both of us and ran straight down a storm sewer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 793

You deserved it 4 463

By Anonymous - 02/11/2013 20:23 - Ireland

Today, my boyfriend left me for another girl. My dad's reaction to the news and my tears was to say, "Aww. Gonna write a song about it, Taylor Swift?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 853

You deserved it 8 362

By MyNameIsNotJeff - 08/05/2015 03:23 - United States

Today, my girlfriend bought me a pet tarantula. I now have one of my biggest fears crawling around my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 168

You deserved it 3 093

By facepalm - 28/12/2009 10:35 - Singapore

Today, my husband was fired for chatting online for the third time in a month during office hours. Who was he chatting with? Me, telling him to get off the chat programme so he wouldn't lose his job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 126

You deserved it 12 886

By jend - 23/05/2009 20:20 - United States

Today, I went into work happy about my supervising promotion. When I arrived at work, I realized that only one person had decided to come into work today, which meant I had to clean 15 rooms, and supervise myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 396

You deserved it 3 749

By Anonymous - 22/05/2019 16:00

Today, on the bus, water kept dripping on my head so I stood up to move. As I got up, the bus turned round a corner and I fell over into a man's lap. When I tried to get up, I slipped down between his legs and the next seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 668

You deserved it 190

By urinetrouble - 04/05/2017 06:00 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, while checking the men's bathroom at work, I noticed one of the air fresheners had fallen from the top of the paper towel holder into the garbage. It wasn't until I picked it up and examined it that I realized I was actually holding used urinal fresheners. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 378

You deserved it 1 552

Thanks little buddy

By crushed - 10/03/2021 14:00

Today, I was in the middle of my workout when my cat meowed so loudly, it startled me into dropping a 50-pound weight onto my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 786

You deserved it 244

By Grindyloo - 05/05/2012 10:06

Today, my turtle, who had a little portion of the garden all to herself, died. My 5-year-old nephew wanted to "be like Mario" by jumping on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 316

You deserved it 2 812

By hatemyjob - 23/06/2011 18:13 - United States

Today, I discovered that even though I now have a key to get into the office, I don't know the code to shut off the alarm system. I showed up early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 675

You deserved it 4 030

By Anonymous - 29/08/2014 15:38 - United States - Hightstown

Today, after moving into my new house, I woke up to strange sounds coming from the kitchen. I panicked and started sobbing, convinced it was either a robbery or a home invasion. Turned out it was just my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 864

You deserved it 12 483

By -_-" - 11/01/2014 23:13 - United States - Vestal

Today, I was getting ready for a night out with the girls, and without any hint of trickery, just wanting an honest answer, I asked my boyfriend how I looked in the dress I chose. He immediately dropped to his knees, yelled, "NOOOOOOOOO!" and calmly left the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 138

You deserved it 9 015

By AzrielB - 18/10/2018 15:30

Today, my friend, who had begged me to buy them a plane ticket after being stranded overseas, blocked me. They didn't even use the ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 634

You deserved it 469

By Out from Hell - 22/04/2013 22:31 - United States - Woodstock

Today, I got so drunk I called my ex-boyfriend and confessed my love to him. All in front of my current boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 617

You deserved it 76 397

By limecat - 06/10/2009 07:12 - United States

Today, I was stopped by a cop while walking down the street. He was slowly trailing me before pulling along side of me and asking how my night was going. He then said, "You know I can't let you do this. Know those new jeans you bought? The sticker is still on the leg" and drove off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 282

You deserved it 36 952

By OutOfMyMind - 22/10/2013 00:12 - United States - Port Richey

Today, I tried Ambien for the first time. I now have to apologize to most of my exes for excessively rambling emails about getting together for some naked Twister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 822

You deserved it 12 033

By oldmama728 - 28/04/2011 11:07

Today, I once again told my son he needed a job and a girlfriend because I simply could not keep him in my house anymore. He yelled, "No, I can do whatever I want!" Then went back to playing video games. He's 38. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 301

You deserved it 46 217

By TimJack18 - 04/01/2015 23:14 - United States - Whiteville

Today, in an attempt to be romantic, I kissed my husband as passionately as I could. After, he looked at me and said, "You taste like Chinese food." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 823

You deserved it 5 177

By WellShit - 04/01/2013 02:19 - United States - New Richland

Today, I found out that there's something my new wife hates more than spiders. Black people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 687

You deserved it 5 906

By twinArmageddon2 - 15/04/2014 06:04 - United States - El Cajon

Today, I told my dad I'm pregnant. His response? "It's only a phase, you'll get over it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 282

You deserved it 11 263

By me - 22/06/2013 21:16 - United States - Findlay

Today, while volunteering at a local museum, I politely told an elderly gentleman to have a nice day. He responded by yelling "NO" and storming off. Everyone looked at me like I was some sort of monster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 745

You deserved it 3 226

Stomach bug?

By Heather Scurfield - 21/03/2021 10:59

Today, I was going to be sick, so I ran to the bathroom. When I got there, I fainted, and fell back against the wall. When I came around, I immediately vomited all down my body, in my hair, and all over the floor. My cat judged me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 932

You deserved it 93

By jina - 18/03/2009 03:48 - Korea Republic of

Today, the phone kept ringing but there was only silence on the other line. The third time I yelled, "What the fuck is your F*ing problem asshole!? Get a life shithead!" and hung up. Then the pastor's wife called and explained that she mistakingly set her phone on mute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 025

You deserved it 65 030

By Anonymous - 10/02/2012 16:12 - United States

Today, I noticed that I have gained enough weight to give me back boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 772

You deserved it 34 605

By I_Am_The_Edge - 11/06/2009 16:06 - United States

Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man sleeping on a bench. I thought it would be funny to throw a small rock at him. He thought it would be funny to pull out his knife and chase me for six blocks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 585

You deserved it 863 865

By rita - 15/04/2018 19:00

Today, my 10-year-old daughter hid in her closet all day and did not come out. The reason? She didn't want to eat my pot roast. I didn't realize my cooking was that bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 750

You deserved it 746

By Noname - 19/01/2009 23:12 - Australia

Today, I was watching TV and realised I am attracted to Sandra Oh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 598

You deserved it 18 325

Chuck E. Cheese awaits

By mama’s boy - 31/10/2019 00:01

Today, I realized just how spoiled and immature my boyfriend is when I asked him several times what he’d like for dinner. Getting no answer, I made steak, potatoes and salad. He then sulked and refused to eat it, since he wanted spaghetti and meatballs instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 157

You deserved it 381

By rockefoe - 20/10/2010 18:41 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't feel like he loved me. His response? "Why else would I be with you? Your looks?" He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 450

You deserved it 8 664

Shame on you!

By Bjax - 11/10/2017 16:00

Today, my girlfriend woke me up at 5am to tell me she was mad at me. Apparently I did something bad in her dream. She still won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 638

You deserved it 375

By Anonymous - 22/05/2011 20:31 - United States

Today, my toilet decided it wouldn't take any more shit from me, and flooded the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 714

You deserved it 6 511

Nightmare mother

By scared shirtless - 18/03/2021 20:01

Today, for the fifth time in a row, I woke up screaming from a nightmare. My mother burst into my room, leaned in real close and said, "So help me god, if you do not stop fucking screaming, I will rip your arms off and beat you with them." I’m never sleeping again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 025

You deserved it 190

By ChangoFett - 26/05/2013 06:46 - United States - Laguna Hills

Today, I changed my teacher's PowerPoint picture to me making a funny face. He saw it and changed it to a picture of him, with a middle finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 143

You deserved it 50 764

By Anonymous - 14/01/2015 13:58 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I was trying on a shirt and asked my boyfriend if he liked it. He replied, "If I say no, can we still have sex tonight?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 239

You deserved it 6 632

By WTF - 01/06/2013 04:03 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I found out that the girl I've been talking to online and sending certain pictures to is actually my ex's new boyfriend. He ended up telling me he'd just wanted to see how he compared to me down below because my ex refused to go into detail about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 848

You deserved it 24 481

What a question…

By Anonymous - 04/02/2015 03:53 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my science teacher decided not to recommend me for an honors science class for next year. The reason? Last week, I made the mistake of asking whether spray tans give vitamins in the same way as the sun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 986

You deserved it 47 581

By Eddy - 14/03/2015 03:27 - United States - Mountain Pine

Today, I decided to have cereal for breakfast. I poured the cereal in the bowl, added the milk and had a spoonful. Then I realized that my cereal was moving in the back of my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 318

You deserved it 3 799

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