Mr Sydney, AUSTRALIA 28 years-old Single
Today, a spider dangled an inch away from my face while I was driving. I freaked out and accidentally bumped the car in front of me. Three cops arrived on the scene and I had to explain to them what happened. I can still hear them laughing. FML
Today, I decided to mock a few stuck-up runners by effortlessly jumping over the track hurdles. The last one was the easiest. The easiest to crush my balls on, and twist my ankle up in the process. FML
Today, I lied to my diary about my weight. FML
Today, my fire alarm startled me so badly that I shat myself. FML
Today, I realized that my pubes are longer than my penis itself. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend can name each and every Pokémon, but can't remember my birthday. FML
Today, I walked in on my mom and her friends comparing the differences in their nipples. FML
Today, I learned that my daughter's gerbils are not afraid of the vacuum cleaner. FML
Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML
Today, I drunk texted a guy I like. We'd met at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. FML
Today, I was giving a talk in class, when halfway through someone pointed out that my pubes were sticking out my trousers. FML
Today, I paid a repairman $65 to come to my house to fix my washer. He walked in, looked at the washer, bent over and removed a large steel bolt with a bright red tag sticking out the side that said, "Remove before use." He then looked at me and said, "All fixed." FML
Today, I was using the toilet and decided to check out some FMLs. One made me laugh out loud as my room-mate was passing by the bathroom. He now tells everyone my penis is so small it makes even me laugh every time I see it. FML
Today, after a week of searching, I found my escaped snake. In my umbrella, outside, after opening it over my head. FML
Today, my best friend threw my football over a wall, so we hopped over to go and get it. Next thing we know, we're both surrounded by men pointing guns in our faces. FML
Today, I completed the arduous, nearly hour-long process of answering the eHarmony dating questionnaire, only to be told my answers were too "unique" for them to match me with anyone. I had chosen "the world" as my distance range. FML
Today, at the nail salon, a Korean woman was making fun of me. I kindly told her, in Korean, that I understood. She kindly told me, in English, that she didn't care. FML
Today, I had an allergic reaction to my deodorant. My armpits wouldn't stop itching, and by the time my shift was over, they were raw and bloody. FML
Today, I confronted my mom about her drinking problems. After I blurted everything out, she completely denied it. She did this as she was drinking a huge cup full of vodka. FML
Today, when I excitedly announced to my mother-in-law that I was pregnant, she looked at me with a blank expression and asked me who the father was. She's 45. She's not senile or suffering from dementia, but apparently just suffering from being a chronic bitch. FML
Today, I twisted my ankle during a round of golf, after trying to do a fancy jumping high five. FML
Today, I found out my marriage counselor is currently going through her second divorce. FML
Today, I was accused of being high. Why? Because I was playing with a milk bottle. FML
Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend, and ended up sitting next to this girl who wouldn't stop sneezing. Grossed out, I asked my boyfriend if we could switch seats. After doing so, the girl immediately stopped sneezing and started flirting with him. FML
Today, a client shouted at me over something that had nothing to do with me. She put such effort into shouting that she farted in my office. FML
Today, in health class we were watching a documentary about anxiety. My teacher asked if any of us often feel anxious. I was too anxious to raise my hand, and went into a minor panic attack. FML
Today, I was yelled at for smoking at a bus stop, because a woman didn't appreciate me smoking by her children. She did this while waving her own lit cigarette in my face. FML
Today, I've been sick with both a chest cold and a sore throat. As a result, I've also been dehydrated, causing me to have a headache. Whenever I cough, I feel like my throat is being ripped apart and my head is about to explode. FML
Today, I was fooling around with my husband on the bed. I was excited as he lifted my arms up in a seductive way, only to roll deodorant under my armpits. FML
Today, I kicked my dog's toy snake out of my way. Then I realised my dog doesn't have a toy snake. FML
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