Mr Accra, Ghana 31 years-old
Today, I was waiting to take a dump in a gas station restroom. A 300-pound man walked out, shook his head, and said, "I'm sorry" to me. FML
Today, I got fired over MSN. I wasn't even online at the time. FML
Today, I was so lonely that I had a 3 hour conversation with a one-legged cricket I found in my room. I'm keeping him. He has a name. FML
Today, I was on a bench enjoying the sun, when a guy comes and sits next to me. Next thing I know, he lets out a loud fart, then looks my way with pride. I stare back in shock. He then says to me, "Yeah, that just happened," and walks off. FML
Today, I failed to get my driver's licence. My father was the instructor. FML
Today, my girlfriend of two years dumped me, because I'd changed too much for her to bear, and I was breaking her heart. How did I change? I got braces. FML
Today, I went shopping with my new "It's true, I'm a Ninja" shirt on. Suddenly an apple comes and hits me right in the eye. A little boy runs up to me, yells "You aren't a Ninja! A Ninja would have caught that!", and runs off. FML
Today, I was eating at a Mexican restaurant with my sister. I was happily biting into a burrito, when I saw a man in his car in the restaurant parking lot, staring at us and jacking off. FML
Today, I asked my fiancé what he liked most about being in a relationship with me. His answer? "I can watch your boobs without being called a perv." FML
Today, I am 3 months pregnant. While lying on the couch with morning sickness, my boyfriend farted loudly and filled the room with a smell so horrifying that I immediately threw up all over my coffee table. He spent the next 20 minutes texting his friends about this "epic" moment. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. He got on the bed on all fours and crawled towards me, saying "My precious... my precious" in Gollum's voice. FML
Today, I was in the car hooking up with my boyfriend. He was on top of me when I noticed my neighbor jogging toward the car. Instead of hiding, I felt compelled to wave as he jogged past us. FML
Today, the highlight of my day was that the gas station I work at finally got a new mop head. FML
Today, my apartment building shut off our water for a short period of time because the pipes were being worked on. It was also the morning my dog had diarrhea on my cream carpet. Not only did I have to clean it up without water, I couldn't wash my hands afterward. FML
Today, the weather man announced that today's forecast will include heavy rain and hail in my city. Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal. However, my house has no roof at the moment. FML
Today, I was with my boyfriend and we were in his car when he burst out crying, I thought it might have been because we had gotten into a huge fight and he felt bad. No, he cried on my shoulder for a half hour because he misses his ex-girlfriend. He's been writing songs about wanting her back. FML
Today, I was outside eating my lunch when an old man pulled his pants down and took a dump on the sidewalk next to me. FML
Today, I realized the nicest thing my fiancé has said to me all month was that I have "very suckable titties." FML
Today, I received a restraining order from a girl I have never met. FML
Today, at work, I was looking for my lost wallet. After hours of looking I gave up and went home. The wallet then showed up in my mail box with an envelope marked "To the asshole." I opened the letter and it was filled with poop. My wallet too. FML
Today, I was fooling around a bit with my girlfriend while cooking dinner when she said, "Don't get too excited, I want to watch The Princess and the Frog tonight." I just got cockblocked by a Disney movie. FML
Today, I realized that even though I've taken three years of Spanish, the only words and phrases I can remember are from Dora the Explorer. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he started shaking really hard. When I asked him what he was doing, he simply said, "I want to be better than your vibrator!" FML
Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 4 years. I took the whole day to cook a nice meal, and stuck the ring in a cookie that I was going to give to her. In the middle of the dinner I was holding the cookie under the table, about to give it to her. My dog ate it. FML
Today, it's Black Friday. I got sucker-punched by some woman over a ten dollar griddle. FML
Today, my boyfriend announced he has stopped wearing deodorant because he thinks his BO smells "manly." FML
Today, the girl I'm secretly in love with, whom I was talking to on MSN, told me she'd "brb in 10, no wait 20, oh make that 30 min" depending on her boyfriend's stamina. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me that I was irrationally jealous. I’ve just learnt that she has a website where she masturbates in front of a webcam. FML
Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man sleeping on a bench. I thought it would be funny to throw a small rock at him. He thought it would be funny to pull out his knife and chase me for six blocks. FML
Today, I brought my boyfriend of a year and a half to meet my parents. Turns out he dated my mom. This should be a fun dinner. FML
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