Miss Single
Today, my co-worker thought it would be funny to tell her husband that she cheated on him with me. I'm scared to death and I don't dare to go out by myself. FML
Today, I woke up at my cousin's house after staying the night. I went into the bathroom like I usually do and shut the door. Apparently the door lock on this bathroom doesn't function properly. I discovered this when my 4-year-old cousin walked in on me putting a tampon in. FML
Today, we've been dating for over three months, but I went over my girlfriend's house for the first time. As we walked through the door, I was greeted by a little girl whose first words to me were, "Are you my daddy?" FML
Today, my 13-year-old daughter and I went to a tropical themed restaurant. She wanted a strawberry Daiquiri, so I asked the waitress for a virgin strawberry Daiquiri. My daughter then said, "But dad, I'm not a virgin." FML
Today, my 15-year-old daughter's pregnancy test came back positive. I wanted to know who the father is, so I could sit the two of them down to talk the situation through with them. She isn't sure if it's her best friend, or our neighbor's son. FML
Today, the guy I like asked me what he should do for the girl he has a crush on. I told him to give her flowers and tell her how he feels. Later that day my doorbell rang, and he stood there holding flowers. He said the magical words, "My car broke down, can you give me a lift?" FML
Today, I woke up to a strange noise. I looked over to see my drunk husband standing at the dresser. I asked him what he was doing. "Peeing." I asked him, "In the sock drawer?" There was a pause. "Am I peeing in the wrong drawer?" FML
Today, some guys were doing construction on my house, when one of them came over and started asking me about my "hot sister". That "sister" is my 13-year-old daughter. FML
Today, my water broke. I called my mom, who had agreed to watch my other two kids while I went to the hospital. When I asked her to come over, she just said, "Sorry, now isn't a good time." FML
Today, I went to the pool. As I started going up the steps to use the water slide, a kid no older than 10 yanked my swim trunks down to "see what's down there." FML
Today, while on the airplane, the cute girl next to me and I instantly hit it off. When I excused myself to the bathroom, I must have given her the wrong impression. She wanted to join the mile high club; I just wanted to take a crap. FML
Today, my girlfriend of six weeks dumped me when she learned that Macedonia, where I was born, is in Europe. Apparently, she thought that I was "Asian" and she doesn't want to date a "white guy." Yeah, I'm totally confused too. FML
Today, I held a house party. For fun, I made sure all the beer was alcohol-free, so I could see which of my friends would be weak-minded enough to end up acting drunk. Three did. I was one of them. FML
Today, my sister announced her pregnancy at my husband's funeral. FML
Today, I was teaching my daughter how to drive. We were passing by a merge lane; I told her to slow down and let a green car merge in front of us. She said, "Fuck the green car" and sped up, colliding with it. Apparently she didn't know that would happen. FML
Today, I placed a Bible app next to an app I use for porn, in the hope that it will encourage me to watch less porn. I'm a girl. FML
Today, I was in a restroom, reading this site, when another gentleman walked in. He washed his hands, dried them, nodded at me, then left. It wouldn't ordinarily be so weird, except I was in a one-person restroom. FML
Today, as I was about to enter a public restroom, a man walked out and said, "You may want to hold your nose in there. I just took the biggest dump of my life." It was the ladies' restroom. FML
Today, I was about to make a left turn. In the turn lane a little old lady was waiting for the light to change. On the back of her car was a bumper sticker that said, "Honk if you love Jesus!" I gave her a honk and waved. She leaned out and yelled, "The light's red, asshole." FML
Today, I suddenly started having excruciating pain. My husband took me to the ER, where I waited for three hours in agony to be seen. By the time a doctor got to me, the pain had mostly gone, but it was found to be a kidney stone. I was told, "Next time, don't wait so long." Really? FML
Today, I finally convinced my mum to take me to a psychologist. As soon as he sat me down and asked me how I was doing, my mum burst into tears and went on a rant about how her life is terrible and she regrets everything. I was asked to sit in the waiting room. She used up my whole hour. FML
Today, I was doing stand-up comedy at open mic. The guy I like started laughing, but before I hit my punch line. Apparently, when I was speaking, I was occasionally spitting, and in the very bright light it was easy to see my spit hitting people in the face. They kept a tally. FML
Today, while visiting my grandparents, I used one of their blankets to keep warm. Later, I saw their dog getting busy with said blanket. When my grandparents saw my look of horror, they explained that he has "sexual relations" with the blanket every night. Thanks for telling me, guys. FML
Today, while texting my boyfriend, I noticed that he copies and pastes old messages so he doesn't have to write new ones. FML
Today, my dentist dropped dead of a heart attack. This depressing event was made worse by the fact that he collapsed while his hands were in my mouth. FML
Today, I was on drive-thru where I work. Our policy is that we can give free treats to dogs that come through. A woman came in and I noticed her dog. Without a thought, I grabbed a treat and asked if her dog wanted one. I looked again. The 'dog' was her daughter. FML
Today, I came back from vacation only to find my 16-year-old son was throwing a party with over 30 kids in our house. My 33-year-old sister was having fun dancing on a table. FML
Today, I walked into an elderly man's room in the hospital I work to give him his food. After he struggled to sit up, I noticed his hand move down towards his crotch. He looked me straight in the eye and said, "I have to do this to my scrotum because it gets sweaty and sticks to my leg." FML
Today, my sister backed out of my wedding because it was becoming too much about me. After I begged her to reconsider, I had no choice but to pick a new bridesmaid. When my new bridesmaid posted on Facebook how excited she was, my sister commented, "See, you made HER feel special." FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend hasn't really been "researching" for work on the Internet; she's actually been tweeting the same pathetic plea to a guy from One Direction asking him to "follow" her. She's 29. FML
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