Mr
Today, I ran a red light in front of a cop and got pulled over. My friend thought it would be funny to throw a knife in my lap and scream "Help me officer, he has a knife!" FML
Today, I was taking a crap in a public stall when three kids broke down the door and pelted me with eggs. FML
Today, I dreamed that I was kidnapped by Charlie Sheen. FML
Today, I walked through a spider's web with hundreds of baby spiders on it. My afro is now infested. FML
Today, I ran out of gas while driving, and had to call a tow truck. I drive a tow truck. FML
Today, I caught my husband farting on my wind-chime in an attempt to make it ring. It did. FML
Today, I apologized to the cat for walking into the laundry room while he was using the litter box. FML
Today, my mother lectured me about going to the bar too often. She did this while rolling a joint. FML
Today, it was so cold that I had to put slippers over my slippers. FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend peeing in the cat's litter box. I'm the one who has to clean it out. FML
Today, I went to the doctor for a check up, having had a head injury a week ago and suffering some memory loss. Turns out, the medicine he gave me for my head has memory loss as a side effect. He then said, "I told you. Don't you remember?" After I said no, he said, "I figured." and giggled. FML
Today, I walked in on my mom, braiding my dad's pubic hair. I don't know what scarred me more; my mom braiding his pubic hair or the fact that his pubic hair is long enough to be braided. FML
Today, my husband changed the voice on my car's GPS to Mr T's. I don't know how to change it back. I've been saying, "I pity the fool" over and over again ever since. FML
Today, thanks to some asshole with a padlock, I got trapped in porta potty for over an hour. FML
Today, I got aroused by the vanilla scent from an unused trash bag. FML
Today, I woke up with Skittles superglued to my forehead. FML
Today, I saw my dad sitting in the car alone, blaring classical music, blowing up beach balls. FML
Today, someone nearly hit me with their car, so I flipped them the finger. They turned back around and tried to run me over. FML
Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for breathing too much. FML
Today, I was out clubbing, when some bloke at the bar started trying to pick fights with everyone. Trying to defuse the situation with humour, I said, "I used to be a tough guy like you. Then I took an arrow in the knee." The next thing I know, I have a broken nose. FML
Today, I stayed up until 4 am. I was waiting for both my cats to fall asleep, so I could play Santa and stuff their stockings in secret. FML
Today, I woke up to someone screaming "FIRE!" When I sat up, my face went right into my room-mate's ballsack. Apparently it was funny. FML
Today, my toaster scared me. Again. FML
Today, while looking in the mirror at my full-blown grease-spewing acne-riddled face, my father came up behind me and said, "Don't worry son, I had acne like that when I was your age". I replied, "No you didn't", and his immediate response while laughing was, "No, I didn't." FML
Today, I anxiously waited 8 hours for an important phone call. The phone rang while I was sitting on the toilet. FML
Today, my mom told me to clean the house up because she wants to make good impression on the cleaning lady. FML
Today, I went to see a doctor about some of the memory problems I've been having. After the appointment, I could barely remember a thing he told me. FML
Today, I found out how it feels when a refrigerator door unhinges and falls on your toes. FML
Today, I was using a restroom when I heard someone sneeze. I said, "Bless you." It happened again about three times, so I repeated myself each time. I then noticed it was an automatic air freshener. FML
Today, at around 2am, I was walking through a parking lot to my car when a man walking behind me told me not to be scared. I turned around to tell him there was no problem. He was naked. FML
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