Today, I found my son's iPod touch and was looking at a light-saber app. He walked into the living room to see me fighting the cat and making sound effects to myself. FML
Today, I was eating at a Mexican restaurant with my sister. I was happily biting into a burrito, when I saw a man in his car in the restaurant parking lot, staring at us and jacking off. FML
Today, I spent ages at CVS waiting for a flu shot. The main cause of holdup was a disagreement between the pharmacist and the insurance company over 4 cents. FML
Today, I got a call from a restricted number. When I answered, it was a prank call. The kids on the other end had porn on high volume and put the phone next to the speaker. Way to remind me that I'm still a virgin. FML
Today, it was opening night for the play where I was, for the first time ever, one of the leads. I went on stage with a loud and energetic entrance. I came in two scenes early. FML
Today, I finally found out why my fish were dying in their tank. My younger sister had been spraying detergent in there because she wanted "to make the fish smell like lemons". FML
Today, while at the vending machine, I put in my $20 instead of my $1. I got my change back in quarters. FML
Today, while at the urinal doing my business, my trousers fell all the way to the ground. As I bent down to pull them back up, my boss walked in the bathroom and thought I was mooning him. FML
Today, I decided to start my exercise video routine. It's an African dance workout DVD. Just as I felt confident and motivated about getting in shape, I realized that my window was wide open and my neighbors were getting a front row seat to me waving my arms in the air like an idiot. FML
Today, I was reading a crappy "How to spice up your marriage" book with my husband for laughs. One of the ideas was for the guy to whip his knob out, stand behind his girl and say "Can you say that into the microphone?" Now he does it every chance he gets, and I fall for it EVERY TIME. FML
Today, my family attended the funeral of an old family friend's baby, who died in childbirth. Afterwards, my husband went around snickering and quietly telling dead baby jokes to the other attendees. FML
Today, I discovered that my new college roommate not only makes casual conversation about his bowel movements, he also names them. FML
Today, I was kicked in the crotch. The girl who did it thought I was her ex-boyfriend. I'm a girl. FML
Today, I tried to teach my dog tricks. Somehow, I thought it would be easier if I physically showed my dog how to roll, so I rolled on the floor in front of my dog. My sister recorded me and posted it on Facebook. Now everyone thinks I'm an idiot and my dog still can't roll. FML
Today, while I was in the shower, my very drunken mother came home. She then barged into the shower with me, still completely clothed, and gave me the longest, most awkward hug of a lifetime. After she left me still in shock, she came back and did it again. FML
Today, my parents bought purity rings for my twin brother and me for our birthday, and had them blessed by our priest. Neither of us are virgins. FML
Today, the cute guy in my class asked if I wanted to come over to his house to "study" on Saturday for our finals. I went to his house expecting a good time. He actually wanted to study. FML
Today, I accidentally moaned my own name during sex. FML
Today, my parents are on holiday, which means I have the house to myself. Wild parties? Hot girls? Loads of beer? No. Flu. FML
Today, I had to tell my mom to stop sending pictures of Jesus to my boyfriend. FML
Today, I received a cute letter in my locker. It was in German, so I used Google translate. Apparently, someone hopes I choke on big fat cock. FML
Today, I got burned, all because the toaster scared me while I was holding a pot of boiling water. FML
Today, I was half asleep and tried to cuddle my husband as we slept. Still dreaming, he yelled for me to leave his money alone. FML
Today, I kicked my dog's toy snake out of my way. Then I realised my dog doesn't have a toy snake. FML
Today, I realized I have more in common with a cantaloupe than I do with my boyfriend. FML
Today, against my wishes, my son snuck out of my house to go partying. When he came home, I called him in so I could properly discipline him. While I was talking, he staggered to our fish tank, pulled open the lid, and vomited straight into it. FML
Today, my parents grounded me for finding their stash of weed. The irony is killing me right now. FML
Today, my mom wanted to send me a picture of me at graduation, saying that I looked pretty in it. It was a picture of a different girl; definitely not me. Way to go, mom. FML
Today, I discovered that I have been falsely accusing my sister of stealing my makeup. How do I know this? Because I found said makeup in the trunk of my boyfriend's car, next to a bag that had fishnet tights and red stilettos in it. Oh, and the stilettos are his size, in case you were wondering. FML
Today, my drunk boyfriend decided to try to serenade me by throwing rocks at my window and singing a song about how much he loves me. This would have been extremely sweet if he would have gotten my window instead of my dad's. FML
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