k9obsessed

Today, I found out my cat is allergic to ME. No kidding. FML

Today, a stoned man tried to break into my house. Naked. FML

­Today, my dog decided to fly through the front door like Superman. All 180lbs of her promptly slammed sideways into the wall, putting a dog-sized hole in the plaster. FML

Let me out!

Today, I've been on the same train for two hours at a standstill due to "signal problems". We can't get off because it's "unsafe." I'm on my way home from work and I can see my house through the window. FML

Today, I watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, thinking "wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized that I'd been watching my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes. FML

Today, I sneezed so hard I fell down the stairs. FML

Masterful gambit

Today, I saw a spider crawling across a poster in my bedroom, so I smacked the spot below it to scare the spider into climbing back up the wall. Instead, because the poster wasn't completely flat to the wall, I catapulted the spider straight into my face. FML

Today, I got hurt and spent the remainder of the day limping. I wish I could say it was from something badass like roller derby, but I can't. A woman with a rolling cart filled with packs of Pepsi rolled over my foot on the bus. FML

Today, I had an all day volleyball tournament in a town an hour away. My dad left early, not realizing he was my ride home. I'm now stranded in the middle of a rural town with no way home anytime soon. FML

Today, the fire alarm went off in my dorm. Not only was it 30 degrees outside, but I was in the shower. FML

Get it while you can

Today, a young boy helped me carry my groceries home. He then asked me to sign his sheet to certify that he had done half an hour of service to the elderly. I'm 46. FML

Today, I got a call from a girl I was seeing. She said that she was falling for someone else, but she still liked me and couldn't decide what to do. Being the romantic (idiot) I am, I told her that she should do what would make her happiest, thinking that she would pick me. She didn't. FML

Today, my 5 week old puppy decided to sleep between my head and the headboard of my bed. I sneezed and my puppy got so scared it caused him to pee on me. FML

Today, I watched Free Willy with my daughter. Later on she decided to free her 6 pet mice into the house. FML

Today, while enjoying a nice dinner out, I observed a homeless man giggling hysterically to himself while wiping boogers on my bike seat and handlebars. FML

Today, my cat took a shit in my toaster. FML

Today, I went for a job interview. I was asked if I wanted a drink. I have no idea why, but I replied "a bottle of milk please." FML

Today, I fell asleep at a party. I farted so loud that I woke myself up. Everyone heard. FML

Today, at 5:30 in the morning while I was fast asleep, my cat decided the most threatening thing in my apartment that absolutely needed to be attacked was my left nipple. FML

The harder they come…

Today, I had to climb over a tall gate. Getting to the top wasn't a problem, but falling face first on the way down wasn't what I'd had in mind. FML

Today, while trying on an outfit in the dressing room at the mall, I got locked in. I decided to take 5 minutes to try and get out by crawling under the door. After I got out, I realized I left my cell phone, my purse and my pants inside. FML

Bananarama

Today, I was mugged. The guy mugging me was eating a banana. FML

Today, I saw my dog sleeping, so I laid next to her and put her arm around my neck to be cute. Only for her to wake up and bite my nose. FML

Today, I finally taught my mom how to text message people. Now I get a message from her every 30 seconds saying "Hi". FML

Today, a neighbor called the cops on me and my friends because we were "starting a fire" in the backyard. We were using a barbecue. FML

Sorority

Today, my sister and I had a bonding moment. It consisted of me plucking her chin hairs. FML

Today, I asked for permission to marry the girl I love. Her father not only said no, he said "HELL no!" FML

Today, I had to sell my phone to pay for the phone bill. FML

Today, I woke up and went to the bathroom and took a massive piss. Then I actually woke up, well and truly soaked. FML

Today, I put aftershave on my fingers to encourage myself to stop biting my nails. I absentmindedly rubbed my eye a few minutes later. It burnt like hell. FML