Montreal, Canada 35 years-old
Today, my toilet decided it wouldn't take any more shit from me, and flooded the bathroom. FML
Today, I had to explain to my teenage daughter that no, the dishwasher didn't make the glasses shrink, I'd bought smaller glasses. FML
Today, I found out my dad thinks he's famous because he's been on 'Cops', twice. FML
Today, someone had the unique opportunity to be able to say to me, "Excuse me, your pants are on fire." FML
Today, my friend and I went for a late night walk along the beach. We decided to sit down on a log. It was a dead seal. FML
Today, I was masturbating while chewing gum. Halfway into the session, the gum flew down my throat, causing me to violently choke. My mom had to rush in and help me while I still had my pants around my ankles. FML
Today, I got kicked in the crotch. It popped my cherry. I lost my virginity to a shoe. FML
Today, I tried to have sex with my boyfriend three times, but every time he insisted that he wasn't in the mood. I left to get food and when I came home, he was masturbating. FML
Today, while I was waiting in line at McDonald's, I found out I can sneeze, pee, and poop all at the same time. FML
Today, my boyfriend informed me that to save money, he's been using the same condom for the last month. FML
Today, on a dating site, I was matched with my brother, again. FML
Today, my recently ex-girlfriend's mother called me regarding her baby girl, saying, "If you mess with the chicklet, you mess with the momma hen." I have no idea what the hell this means for my future, but I'm a bit scared. FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to have sex with a piece of fruit. FML
Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML
Today, while standing completely still at Walmart, I was hit by a drunk man on a Jazzy Scooter. He laughed, said it was an accident, gunned the scooter and took out two more people. FML
Today, I got circumcised by my girlfriend's braces. FML
Today, I was having 'goodbye' sex with my boyfriend. Now for the next four months he's going to remember our last time as the one where I farted and couldn't stop laughing. FML
Today, my 18 year old son asked me to check if there were any monsters under his bed. FML
Today, I set my alarm half-an-hour earlier so I could masturbate. That's how horny and single I am. FML
Today, I texted my mom if she could pick me up from the hospital. She replied, "No fatty, walk home." I have a broken foot. FML
Today, I walked in on my wife masturbating. Naturally, I asked her if she needed some help. She replied, "Nah, I've got this." FML
Today, I got into a huge fight with a girl at school. My mom and dad decided to punish me by letting my three older brothers pick out my wardrobe for the next week. FML
Today, I discovered why my girlfriend is so obsessed with cutting my nails. She collects my clippings in a jar under her bed. She claims it will keep us together longer. FML
Today, I walked into the kitchen at 5 am, to have my 7 and 9 year olds throw a bucket of water on me. To their surprise and horror, I didn't melt. FML
Today, for the second time, I met the man I'm having an arranged marriage with in 3 months. I'd previously met him last night, while he was mugging me. FML
Today, I watched my girlfriend slowly floss her teeth, and then eat what showed up on the floss. FML
Today, I realized I'd put on my shirt on inside out, so I went to the bathroom stalls to fix it. As I was taking it off, I accidentally dropped it in the toilet. FML
Today, I've been on duty at the hospital for just three hours so far, and I've already pulled five carving forks out of four different people. Good job, everybody. FML
Today, I ran into my sister, who nobody in the family has seen in six years. She looked very happy working the pole. FML
Today, I went to a concert with my girlfriend. Some guy grabbed her ass, and I tried to fight him. I ended up with a concussion and a messed up jaw. Her? Oh, she beat the shit out of him while I was unconscious. FML
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